Earned security: It's never too late to heal

‘Earned security’ is a concept that offers hope and healing to those who haven't had the easiest start in life. You might feel trapped by your past, struggle with anxiety, relationship problems, or a deep sense of not belonging. Often, these struggles are rooted in early childhood experiences, particularly the relationships you had with your primary caregivers.

Our early attachment relationships, the ones we form as infants and young children, shape our internal working models. These models are like blueprints that guide our expectations about relationships and our sense of self-worth. If those early relationships were characterised by inconsistency, neglect, or trauma, the blueprints can be faulty, leading to challenges in adulthood.
 
For a long time, the prevailing belief was that these internal working models, once formed, were pretty much set in stone. But thankfully, research has proven this to be wrong. We now know that our attachment patterns can change throughout life! This means that even if you didn't have the secure and loving childhood you deserved, you can still develop a sense of earned security.

What is attachment security?

To understand earned security, we first need to explore the basic categories of attachment. According to attachment theory, there are four primary types of attachment styles, shaped by early experiences with caregivers:

1. Secure attachment: Individuals with secure attachment feel confident and safe in their relationships. They trust that others will meet their emotional needs and feel comfortable being vulnerable.
2. Anxious-preoccupied attachment: People with this style often worry about being abandoned or rejected. They tend to be overly dependent on others for reassurance and validation.
3. Avoidant-dismissive attachment: These individuals are uncomfortable with closeness and may downplay the importance of relationships. They often strive for independence and can seem emotionally distant.
4. Disorganised attachment: This style combines elements of both anxious and avoidant attachment. People with disorganised attachment often struggle with conflicting desires for closeness and fear of it. This attachment style is often associated with trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

Attachment security is the sense of trust, comfort, and emotional safety in relationships that develops in those with secure attachment. Individuals who have secure attachment are able to navigate relationships with a healthy balance of independence and intimacy, maintaining a positive view of themselves and others. In contrast, insecure attachment patterns, while painful, are essentially survival strategies developed to cope with the early childhood environment.

So, what exactly is earned security?

It's the ability to develop secure attachment patterns in adulthood, even if your early attachment experiences were insecure. It's like rewriting those faulty blueprints, replacing negative expectations with more positive and healthy ones.
 
This is incredibly empowering! It means that healing is possible, regardless of your past. But how do you achieve earned security? It’s not about erasing the past but rather integrating it into a new narrative of self. It’s about understanding how your early experiences shaped you, while also recognising that you're not defined by them. While it's not a quick fix, it's definitely attainable through dedicated effort and the right support. Here are some key steps:

Become aware of your attachment patterns

Pay attention to your patterns in relationships. Do you tend to withdraw when things get emotionally close? Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance or worrying about abandonment? Understanding your patterns is the first step in changing them.

Develop self-compassion

It’s important to be kind and patient with yourself throughout this process. Healing takes time and effort. Remember that your insecure attachment style was a way of coping, not a reflection of your worthiness.

Therapy

Psychotherapy, particularly attachment-focused therapy, can be transformative. The therapeutic relationship itself provides a safe and secure base, allowing you to explore and rework those old, negative patterns. With a therapist's guidance, you can start to deconstruct the insecure attachment patterns of the past and construct new, healthier ones in the present.

Mindfulness

Developing mindfulness practice can be incredibly beneficial. Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. This can help you become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations, allowing you to regulate your emotions more effectively. This increased self-awareness and self-regulation can contribute to a greater sense of internal security, mirroring the benefits of a secure attachment.

Meaningful relationships

Forming secure and supportive relationships with friends and romantic partners can also contribute to earned security. These relationships provide opportunities to experience trust, consistency, and emotional closeness, all of which can help to reshape your internal working models.

Reflection

A key element of earned security is the ability to reflect coherently on your past attachment experiences. This doesn't mean dwelling on the negative, but rather striving to understand how those experiences shaped you and to develop a compassionate understanding of yourself and those involved.

The importance of language

Putting words to your experiences is incredibly powerful. When you can articulate your feelings and memories, especially those related to difficult or traumatic events, you begin to take control of their impact on you. This process reduces their power to dictate your reactions and behaviours. You also gain a greater sense of agency and self-understanding, all contributing to earned security.
 
Remember, the journey to earned security is unique for everyone. It's not about achieving some perfect ideal, but rather about cultivating a deeper sense of self-acceptance, self-compassion, and the ability to form healthy and fulfilling relationships.
 
If you're struggling with the legacy of insecure attachment, please know that you're not alone. And more importantly, know that change is possible. With the right support and dedicated effort, you can rewrite your story and build the secure and connected life you deserve.