Dealing with the silent struggle of dating anxiety

Dating in general, and more specifically dating on apps, can involve living with a lot of uncertainty, which in turn can lead to periods of anxiety. Experiencing this when dating is very common, even for seemingly very confident people.

Why dating anxiety is more common than we think

There is such a plethora of choice open to anyone on the dating scene, especially through apps, that it is very easy to overthink situations, wondering whether someone will like us, or whether they will reject us. Ghosting can be a common occurrence when in contact with numerous potential hook ups. The temptation to double-text is ever present when you don’t receive a reply from someone who you thought might be a connection. 

Understanding anxiety in uncertain dating environments

Old insecure patterns of behaviour can reappear very easily in such environments. Anxiety can be the brain’s way of protecting us from this kind of uncertainty. Remember, getting totally rid of anxiety should not always be the goal since some form of nervousness can actually help to assess possible outcomes and potential pitfalls. With some form of elevated fight flight response you want to be able to better assess potential danger to keep you safe and also not fall into the harmful orbit of a predator. 

But in seeking to stay safe, try to avoid the temptation to overly investigate potential dates, such as trying to find out their relationship history and other personal information about them. Doing this could likely lead to even more anxiety.  

The role of validation and emotional regulation

Why torture yourself? Any information that you might find out about someone will almost inevitably be out of context. Obviously, you want to have some reassurance that you won’t end up dating a serial killer. But you can practice basic safety tips without resorting to forensic investigations into people. Doing so might risk compromising your trust in others and of being in the flow. 

It can be useful to try to see things differently when speculating about whether somebody likes you. Rather than focusing on whether or not they will or will not like you, it could be more useful to think of whether or not you will connect with someone. This can make it feel more of a mutual process. Someone who passes up the opportunity to connect with you does not represent a judgement on your value in the same way that redundancy in a job is an end to the role, not the person.

Healthy ways to manage dating nerves

Feeling okay about yourself is essentially an inside job. That often means feeling your feelings and processing difficult emotions rather than distracting from this mission by seeking validation from others. When we are emotionally well regulated we are enjoying a positive self care regime and a healthy social support structure. If we seek to fix our feelings by overly engaging in dating activity we risk essentially outsourcing our ability to organically self regulate our emotional well-being.

Therefore, try to avoid seeing dating as an opportunity to fulfil some sort of personal validation, as you risk giving your power away. People who serially date can often end up feeling empty and depressed. Positive self affirmations can be useful here. You are worthy and lovable without having to have this validated by people on the dating scene, people who don't even know you.

Regulate your body before a date. Try to do some grounding exercises. Think about what you can bring to a meeting rather than what is in it for you. This can help to redirect the focus toward the other person and what is interesting about them.  

How counselling can support your dating journey

Counselling can help to identify the source of your anxiety. Is it, for example, located in your past history of relationships and activated by a fear of rejection or judgement? Or, perhaps from a sense of having to be perfect? Or maybe your attachment and relational style overly impacts your attitudes in the dating scene.

Dating, and the ease of hook ups through apps, can also be an opportunity for people prone to love addiction and intrigue to quickly lose control of their behaviour. Journaling and thought diaries can help to unmask some of the sources of your anxiety.

Healing can occur from entering a transformational journey that boosts your self-esteem and self worth. Dating can then become more purposeful and intentional and might actually become more fun.