Counselling, couples and communication

One of the most common reasons for couples looking for therapy is problems related to communication. That term covers a broad base and isn’t as straightforward as not being able to talk to each other. So, what is communication in a relationship, and how can it be impacted?

Start with understanding the relationship history

A good first step is to delve into each person’s history. What was their individual experience of relationships? What, both consciously and unconsciously, are they expecting from the relationship?

Our primary caregivers (usually, but not always, our parents) set what becomes our relationship expectations. Did we witness them talk things through, or were problems buried and hidden? What was the role of each parent, and what was the client’s place in that experience?

In exploring these questions and other areas related to them, we can begin to benchmark what each person understands to be normal. Often, without clients realising it, they can each be sitting with a different set of expectations of what communication means.

Talking this out can begin to depersonalise the interactions the couple are having. Often, you’ll hear one person state their parents refused to talk about problems, and another state that absolutely everything was talked through in fine detail. This isn’t about creating a sense of right or wrong, merely understanding what those expectations are.

Creating a safe space to communicate

Another step is to assess whether both feel safe and able to have a conversation, to communicate with each other. This isn’t about giving clients a get-out clause for never having difficult conversations, but it is important that both are able to safely express how they feel.

Again, there will often be a contrast in styles when there is conflict - typically one partner will want to talk it through immediately, and the other will want to escape, and feel the need to close the conversation down either in a passive way by just taking blanket responsibility, or in a more negative way, perhaps by trying to shift blame. When this happens, conversations often spiral and all old wounds get opened, and now nobody remembers what was trying to be communicated in the first place.

So, a good skill is to schedule a conversation. It can help to encourage one partner to ask if now is a suitable time to speak, and for the other to either agree that they are ready, or if not, to suggest a more suitable time in the near future when they feel more able to talk. This avoids couples getting into a situation they aren’t ready for and then feeling disempowered or overwhelmed.

Communicating without blame

When the conversation is taking place, the first step is to work to remove blame. Rather than saying, "When you said..." or "When you did...", encourage "When this happened..." as you are then working from facts that feel more objective than subjective. This can then move on to "I felt..." and that’s what we want to communicate; that’s the part we want to be heard and understood.

We’ve all been there - your partner accuses you of something, and you’re so busy building your defence and counter-argument, you’ve not listened to the important part when they are trying to tell you how they feel, trying to be heard and understood. You’re feeling guilt and shame; immediately, this creates a need to defend yourself.

You counter by saying they did something similar last week, and they then have to defend themselves, and suddenly the argument is about something entirely different. Something clients often say is that they can’t remember what started the argument in the first place, but when we do discover what it really was, it turns out to be something that could have been resolved in a far more positive way.

Building healthy communication habits

A good way of describing this is that it is like taking the ball out of a tennis match. When it is agreed that the conversation will take place, the person who asked for the time has the opportunity to speak. Accusations are removed, and feelings take the front seat. It is their partner’s role to listen, not to respond.

This feels counterintuitive to begin with, but can, through practice and encouragement, become a normal way of being. It is in many ways not dissimilar to the skills we all learn as counsellors, and the most important word for couples to learn is curiosity. Be curious about each other, what is being felt, where that comes from, what might be creating that, and without feeling the need to assume blame.

Expressing individual needs without assumption

Another important aspect is to depersonalise. If one partner is struggling, it isn’t necessarily an accusation. We are not mind readers. If one partner needs something, it isn’t always reasonable to expect the other to see that - remember that we all have something going on. "I" statements are there to allow the individual to express themselves. The ‘we’ doesn’t have to feel what the ‘I’ feels, but the ‘we’ can respond to that, can help the ‘I’.

We automate one another; that’s just a human way to experience each other. We like to feel that we know someone, but the reality is we don’t, and can’t, less so than we can know and understand ourselves, and that’s confusing enough. This is positive, though - we can continually learn not only about those we care about but more specifically about ourselves.

Curiosity (that word again) can unlock this:

• Why does my partner respond that way?
• What is being triggered when that happens?
• What if I don’t just assume it is something I’ve done, or if it is, maybe it is triggering something older, not related to me?

When couples explore this, it can be eye-opening (and often moving) to see what is really going on, and can help develop a much deeper understanding and connection.

Try daily emotional check-ins

Something else to encourage is regular check-ins, find space in the day to talk and tell each other how you are feeling. Again, this can lift the veil on emotions. "I’ve got a meeting at work today that I’m really nervous about", or "The kids are starting a new class tonight and I’m feeling anxious for them", or "I slept badly last night, so I’m feeling off today". By including a check-in, we are more connected.

One interesting activity at the start of sessions is to get couples to check in as if they were their partner. This can be revealing and sometimes amusing (couples therapy needs laughter at times). Often, clients project their own fears onto their partner or unnecessarily take responsibility for how the other feels.

Focus on individual change

Almost all couples are looking for change, and it is helpful to create a conversation about this early on. Change is an action, not an idea. It means doing something differently and taking individual responsibility for that. There is more power in asking "What can I do differently?" than there is in asking "What can I expect my partner to change?". So it is beneficial to focus on that part, slightly out of context, but as Kennedy said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, as what you can do for your country."

In conclusion, we want couples to understand some simple points:

• Listen, don’t respond.
• Check in, don’t expect others to know.
• Explain, don’t blame. One very simple yet powerful explanation is that we act out of love or fear, so focus on responding from love, not shame or guilt, which are born out of fear.
• Find the ‘I’ and then discover the ‘we’.