Coping with loss and grief in our lives

All of us will have coped with unavoidable loss in our lives at some stage. This can take many forms – the loss of something precious to us, a piece of jewellery perhaps that has some special significance. I think of a close friend who lost a necklace that had belonged to her late mother, which was stolen in a burglary and whose loss caused much distress, distress which even many years later can be retriggered by events such as the anniversary of her mother’s death.  

Perhaps some of us may have lost a much-loved pet. I still remember with much fondness and at times with a lump in my throat, my adored Red Setter Molly, killed in an accident on the road when she was only three after being mistakenly let out of the house.

Many of us will also sadly have lost loved ones, perhaps through the natural cycle of life such as the loss of an aged parent or grandparent, through a tragedy such as a terminal illness, or perhaps due to a tragic accident. 

How many times have we watched a news broadcast on TV while perhaps sitting down to a family meal and heard of deaths in road traffic accidents which tragically seem to occur on an almost daily basis somewhere around the country? Behind every such news report is a family plunged into sudden shock and grief, and while we are perhaps oblivious to this as we continue with our meal, we all hope that such tragedy will never visit our own door.

In my work as an integrative counsellor, and I have worked with grieving clients for several years, I have learned that loss causes pain and psychological distress when it involves something or someone that is precious to us. 

My clients who have lost loved ones have asked me many times, “Does everyone’s grief hurt like this and how long does grief last?”

I answer them as honestly as I can, that in my opinion, all grief is painful and that the more we have loved, the more we may then grieve, and for each of us the period of grieving will be different. 

So, what happens when we grieve? 

In the early days and perhaps weeks after the death of a loved one, most of us will be in a state of almost shock where we may feel a sense of numbness and even disbelief. This can be exacerbated if the loss has been sudden, unexpected, or when for example, in addition, we may also have lost our role as a carer to someone who has been either elderly, infirm or very sick.

Clients have shared with me how sometimes on awakening from sleep, for just a moment the thought that they have experienced a bad dream enters their mind, before the reality of their loss creeps, ‘like a coldness into the pit of the stomach’.

If we are fortunate, we have the love and support of a loving family, relatives, friends and colleagues to help us cope with our loss. We can also think of many of our cultural and religious communities where such support is also offered through a coming together in support of the family for the funeral service or ceremony. Knowing that others care about us and want to be with us and to help us as much as they can when we grieve is important in helping us to come to terms with our loss and in helping us to heal and recover. 

Consider then, a mother who has lost her child because of miscarriage, or another who grieves perhaps years later, the abortion of the child that she could not have, those who mourn the death of a same-sex partner, or the parent who grieves their son or daughter who has died perhaps due to a drugs overdose, aids, criminality, while in prison; there are many other examples.  We call this type of grief disenfranchised as the community support may be much less or non-existent for those who are grieving their loss in these or similar circumstances.

Even where there is a strong sense of community support following a death, there is no normal reaction to grief and each of us will undertake an individual journey. 

In the days and weeks following a bereavement, we may experience reduced appetite, have trouble sleeping or concentrating and experience a multitude of swirling emotions that can include anger, fear, despair, and hopelessness. We may cry openly. 

Some of us may find comfort in holding onto something that has belonged to our loved one who has died. I think again of my friend whose mother’s necklace was lost to her due to the callous actions of a thief. Others can find comfort perhaps in wearing a piece of clothing recently worn by the person who has died which may contain a faint scent, the perfume that they were wearing for example. Some clients have also shared with me how they find the scent on the sheets of the bed they shared with their loved one comforting and how they are reluctant to launder them because of this. Others still may find comfort in looking at photographs of happier times spent together. Talking about our feelings and sharing our memories with our family and friends may also bring us comfort. 

After the shock of our loss begins to subside even many weeks later, we will still feel a deep sense of sadness, but for most of us, life will begin to drag us forcibly back into the reality of the world. We will have to sleep, our body through exhaustion will simply insist on this as it will insist on our need to eat. We may have to return to work or have other commitments that need our attention, perhaps dependent children for example. 

As month follows month, we hopefully begin to come to a place of acceptance of our loss and begin to re-engage with our own individual lives. There will be so many triggers, hearing a particular song on the radio, passing a certain place that is significant, our loved one’s birthday, their wedding anniversary, the anniversary of their death, all of which will make us feel our sense of loss acutely once again. 

For most of us, time will allow us to slowly heal and come to terms with the reality of our loss. 

There are times, however, when sadly our grief may be complex, when perhaps we have suffered multiple losses. I think again of the road traffic accidents that we hear about almost daily, when two or more members of the same family have been killed, or when several unrelated deaths occur in a short period of time before we have been able to fully grieve and come to terms with our previous loss. Even when our loss involves just one person, the pain and emotions that we experience can become overwhelming and lead to us experiencing a period of depression. Remember that we may grieve for the person as deeply as we have loved them.

If you are finding it difficult to cope with your, grief, it is important that you speak first to your GP. They may suggest that you talk to a suitably qualified counsellor who will be able to help you. Organisations such as CRUSE also offer support and can arrange for you to meet with a ‘bereavement volunteer’ trained to help those who are grieving. I have posted their telephone number below.

I hope that you have found this short article on loss and grief helpful. Remember that grief is individual to all of us and that time will help us to heal and come to terms with our loss.  

If you are feeling overwhelmed please, reach out to a professional. Counselling can change your life.

CRUSE Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677