Christmas: Family togetherness or painful estrangement reminder?

It’s everywhere at the moment. Adverts on every media source proclaiming that Christmas is coming whether we want it or are ready for it or not. That time of enforced togetherness looming with ever-growing dread at seeing the strangers in the family for that once-a-year gathering. Or it’s a joyful time of connection and re-connection with much-loved family members that we see often but still enjoy hunkering down for meals, soppy films and a sense of belonging with.

What then of the middle group of family members that are splintered and alienated from one another through adverse lifestyles or cruel past and/or ongoing unpleasant present behaviours and experiences?

If it’s the time of “family togetherness”, and even if our colleagues and friends are grumbling or gushing about the big day event, family estrangement is often the one un-shareable word. Admitting that we are estranged from our own families can bring a sense of shame, fear of judgement and life uncertainty as we wait for people to experience us differently from the “happy family” gaggle.

Well-intentioned but hurtful things people say:

There’s a constant delivery of well-intentioned platitudes from others who don’t understand or can’t comprehend estrangement. Statements like, “All families fight and don’t talk to one another, you’ll be back in touch in no time”, or “We’re not here for long so you shouldn’t waste precious time squabbling”, or “I wish my mum/dad/sibling/aunt (fill in the blanks) was still alive so I could spend so much more time appreciating them” and the ultimate emotional blackmail statement, “You only get one mum/dad/sibling so you should etc...” which if you were to think about that statement logically is even more painful to hear.  

So, by that logic, out of all of the billions of people on this planet, I happen to be “gifted” with, for example, a parent who is meant to love me more than anyone in this world yet who treats me abominably. I should be thankful/grateful for them and rushing to make up for all of the misery and anguish at their hands?

The cycle repeats ad nauseam, without a thought for the feelings of the estranged person or the heartache they’ve endured before making the wrenching decision to move away from the toxic family dynamic.

Reasons why estrangement within families may happen:

Abuse 

Any sexual, physical, emotional or destructive behaviour that one or more family members inflict on another.

Divorce

When one parent leaves the home and chooses not to re-engage in a new way with the original family children, or moves away with their new partner and/or starts a new family that can cause an unrecoverable rift in the family.

Neglect

Unmet emotional and physical needs by the parent/caregiver often result in an unloved, uncared-for feeling that can be expressed as rebellion, disregard for self and others and risk-taking but this behaviour is often a source of distress from the estranged person as all behaviour is language. However, some families are unable to look at their part in the behaviour and will ostracise the offending member of the family with the “black sheep” label.

Parental value differences

Some parents are unable or unwilling to accept that their child isn’t an extension of themselves and may refuse to accept them for who they are and their different values, sexual choices, lifestyles etc. and the clash in emerging values and standpoints may make the relationship unstable and/or incompatible to continue.

Parental immaturity/narcissistic self-preoccupation by the parent

When the child/teen is expected to be a mirror for the parent and once they aren’t and have their own life, activities, achievements etc., the parent can react aggressively, refuse to engage and stonewall the child.

Sibling rivalry

Often there can be gendered splits of favourites with the less favoured child being scapegoated or blamed for all that goes wrong in the family.

Unaddressed mental health issues in the family 

When a family member is struggling to cope on a daily basis, the ripples to the other family members can cause disruption and split off from the disordered family member.

How to navigate the difficult time of year:

We are used to working and filling our times productively but when an enforced period of time for “rest and relaxation” is due, then it can throw a person into a feeling of uncertainty and anxiety.

Some of the ways that could be helpful during this time could be:

1. Meet up with good, supportive friends who know of your situation and who will be sensitive to you and what’s going on for you.

2. Check your gym/ leisure centre opening times and keep a note of these to maintain your usual physical routine.

3. Volunteer at homeless charities or soup kitchens to be part of a community family and to remind us of our own gratitude for our own situation even though it can be personally very tough. (Food Cycle is a good resource to see what’s happening near you in England and Homeless Project Scotland for services across Scotland)

4. Engage in what I like to call “green therapy”. Walk, hike, ramble in nature (any space that has natural elements to it such as yours or a shared back garden, a small local park, urban community planters on the street, or if you’re lucky enough to have on your doorstep an extensive woodland or hiking beauty spot). Get outdoors even if the weather is changeable as research shows that time spent in green spaces can elevate our mood and lower anxiety and depression levels (Mental Health Foundation, 2021).

5. Plant a seed (ask neighbours, friends, and community gardeners) for a few seeds and a pot and plant your seeds as the action of planting is mindful and calming. Seed sowing is a mindful reminder of placing our trust in the unknown world as we don’t know if the seed will germinate or not. If it does, well done green fingers you’ll have a lovely plant to enjoy. If it doesn’t germinate, it’s a reminder that not everything in life works out sometimes and we can resign ourselves and feel bad at being a failure (again!) or we can persevere, plant another one and feel hopeful about this next attempt.

6. Watch a nature or gardening documentary as even these have been shown to reduce stress hormones.

7. Join a crafting, painting or repairing circle where you are with like-minded people doing a shared activity rather than the intensity of a meal out where the focus will be on conversation and the various holiday plans.

8. Journal and reflect on the deep feelings that may arise at this time of year, what you hope the coming year will bring and how it’s better to be safe and alone than with an abusive/ disrespectful and/or hurtful family environment just to be “part of something” familiar.

9. Read books that help to foster compassion and understanding of your situation. The brave Alice Miller (1983) often wrote about how cruel parenting is still the only “allowable” behaviour that we as a society tolerate and at worst, turn a blind eye towards mistreated children. Largely because our families are given ultimate control over us by the state, religious leaders and other family systems. It takes more than bravery, sometimes there is only desperation left for a better life, to emancipate ourselves from our families.

10. Connect online with estranged communities. If you’re enrolling in higher education speak to the well-being teams to let them know of your situation as there is some really kind, helpful support in local colleges at the moment. I personally know that some higher education establishments are very supportive but keep expectations in check as not all of them will be.

Share the information if you find any particular resources helpful so that the estranged community grows its own new connections of togetherness and support.

Additional support

Look online or locally for estrangement support organisations that deal with real-life experiences and research into the causes and effects of family estrangement. There are organisations (such as Stand Alone) which are dedicated to breaking down the stigma around estrangement and supporting people suffering from this painful life decision to live better, more supported lives. Their helpful guides cover a range of topics and are worth a look at to normalise the painful experience. You’re not alone and it’s not your burden to have to suffer it alone. Reach out to others. We all need support at times, even the strongest amongst us.  

If what you’ve read all feels too much to bear alone or too disclosing to admit openly, there is always the counselling option so please reach out via Counselling Directory to a counselling professional with estrangement experience for a space to explore this painful, often taboo subject. You don’t have to suffer in silence.