Breaking free from unhealthy attachment patterns

Understanding your attachment style can be a game-changer when it comes to relationships. But recognising your patterns is one thing—figuring out how to change them is another. If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in cycles of anxiety, avoidance, or emotional rollercoasters, therapy could be the missing piece in learning how to navigate relationships in a healthier way.

What is an attachment style, and why does it matter?

Our attachment styles are shaped by early experiences, particularly the way our caregivers respond to our needs. These early interactions create a kind of blueprint for how we relate to others as adults.

The four main attachment styles are:

• Secure attachment – You feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, forming balanced, healthy relationships.
• Anxious attachment – You crave closeness but fear abandonment, often seeking constant reassurance.
• Avoidant attachment – You value independence so much that you may struggle with emotional closeness and vulnerability.
• Disorganised attachment – You experience a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours, often as a result of inconsistent or traumatic early relationships.

If your attachment style has been causing challenges in your relationships, therapy can help you break free from old patterns and build a sense of emotional security from within.

How therapy can help you transform your attachment style

It’s one thing to know you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style; it’s another to change the way it plays out in your relationships.

So, what can therapy actually do for you?

1. Spotting and interrupting unhealthy patterns - One of the biggest challenges with attachment styles is that they tend to play out automatically. You might find yourself overthinking texts, shutting down emotionally, or feeling on edge in relationships without even realising why. Therapy helps bring awareness to these patterns so you can make conscious choices rather than operating on autopilot.
2. Learning how to self-soothe - If you have an anxious attachment style, you may rely heavily on external reassurance to feel safe in relationships. If you’re avoidant, you might suppress emotions to protect yourself from getting hurt. Therapy can teach you how to regulate your emotions in a healthier way, so you’re not at the mercy of old coping mechanisms.
3. Healing past wounds - Much of our attachment behaviour is rooted in early experiences. Therapy provides a safe space to process past hurts and develop a new, healthier way of relating to yourself and others.
4. Practising secure attachment behaviours - Even if you didn’t grow up with a secure attachment style, the good news is that you can learn secure attachment behaviours.

Therapy can help you:

• Set and maintain boundaries without guilt.
• Communicate your needs with confidence.
• Develop trust in yourself and others.
• Build relationships that feel safe and balanced.

What you can start doing today

While therapy is a powerful tool, there are also things you can do right now to start shifting your attachment patterns:

• Pause before reacting – When emotions flare up, take a moment to ask yourself: “Am I responding to the present situation or an old fear?”
• Challenge negative thoughts – If your brain is telling you that someone is going to leave or that you can’t trust anyone, question that assumption.
• Practise self-soothing techniques – Deep breathing, journaling, and mindfulness can help regulate emotions.
• Surround yourself with healthy relationships – Spend time with people who respect your boundaries and communicate openly.

You are not your attachment style

It’s easy to feel like your attachment style defines you, but it doesn’t. It’s simply a pattern you learned—one that can be unlearned with time, effort, and the right support. Therapy can help you move from insecure attachment to secure, creating stronger, healthier connections along the way.