Belonging to yourself: navigating outsiderism

How often are you described as, or feel as though you are, the black sheep of the family? That one strange friend? The anomaly in society? I often see people who feel they do not belong – be that with their families, friends, partner(s), or society. Then I ask, “How do you belong to yourself?” and their face becomes shaped by confusion.

When experiencing outsiderism, we are referring to the psychological state of being and/or feeling outside of a specific group. Sounds simple, but in reality, it is anything but simple.

As humans, we evolved to seek and maintain connections. The lone wolf is the ultimate outsider of human society, experiencing the persistent and quiet pain of not belonging. Our brains can register social exclusion in ways similar to physical pain. Primitive humans lived in tribes, where belonging was important for survival. To not belong can, therefore, feel like a threat to our existence.

Outsiderism does not develop out of a single event. The experience of not belonging is cumulative, a role we are assigned or forced to adapt to in order to survive. However, while that adaptation keeps us safe, that survival choice can eventually lead to the depletion of an individual's mental state.

The lone wolf

In Western culture, we have developed the archetype of “the lone wolf”. Psychologically, this has some implications on the individual’s perception of self and others.

This points to an early developmental strategy when connections were met with rejection, emotional manipulation or a demand for complete compliance. This may lead to a dismissive-avoidant attachment to their caregivers, forcing the child to become self-sufficient. After the early developmental stage, this child grows into a teenager who may face rejection again. Then, as an adult, they may form relationships from a rejection starting point.

The archetype of the lone wolf creates an adaptive behaviour often driven by social isolation and present as social anxiety when in social settings, a protective behaviour of “If no one gets close, no one can cause disappointment”.

The toll of this archetype can lead to chronic isolation, whilst externally people see a hyper-independent person. Inside, they are hyper-vigilant, safety-seeking, which eventually can deplete their mental wellbeing.

So, where do we go from here? How do we find our way back?

The script of the outsider: transactional analysis

To understand and unpack the lone wolf persona, we can turn to Transactional Analysis (TA), a school of psychotherapy founded by Eric Berne. TA offers a powerful framework for understanding the unconscious story of our lives, and how to rewrite the continuation of it.

The lone wolf has a primary injunction (the early childhood messages) of “Don’t belong”; similarly, this could be “Don’t be close” or “Don’t be you”. These injunctions teach children that belonging requires compromise that they cannot afford to make. In response to this, the child makes a scripted decision of “It is not safe to rely on others. I will survive by standing on the outside” A highly intelligent and adaptive decision for a child to survive their family or society. As an adult, this script can trap them in a prison.

Working with the lone wolf

Lone wolves often arrive in therapy not to address this archetype, but more for feeling like they don’t belong, social anxiety, or a sense of not feeling quite right.

We can start by forming a secure foundation. A relationship in which they belong, a space that is different to the outside world. A relationship in which a secure attachment can be built.

We can build what I term the stroke bank. Strokes are units of recognition in TA: positive, negative, conditional, and unconditional. Often the lone wolf is starved of strokes in order to keep safe; connecting with others can feel dangerous.

By exploring and building their stroke bank, we aim to move from "I am not OK" to "I am OK," exploring a safe enough environment, low-risk transactions and moving from independence to interdependence.

Finding your pack

Belonging to yourself does not condemn you to a life of solitude. It is the prerequisite for authentic connections. When you belong to yourself, you no longer walk into a room wearing a mask, desperately hoping to be welcomed into a pack. You enter the room as yourself, with eyes open to find your peers.

The edge of the circle, the invisible wall, may be where you learnt to survive, but that is also the perfect launching pad to finding those who speak your language.

We cannot rewrite our life scripts in complete isolation. After all, the lone wolf pattern was formed in relation to others, and it must be healed in relation to others. What is one small way you can let down your guard with someone safe this week?