Are we really relaxing or simply distracting ourselves?

We talk a great deal about looking after our mental health and reducing anxiety, but how often do we stop to consider whether the things we do to relax are actually helping us?

This morning, I read an interesting article about how British people unwind after a long day. Research commissioned by drinks brand Punchy found that 70% watch television, 47% scroll through their phones and 28% reach for chocolate or sugary snacks. Interestingly, 81% said they had no set evening routine.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with watching television, enjoying a treat or spending time on our phones. If these activities genuinely help us relax, wonderful. But what if they don't? Are we really switching off or are we simply distracting ourselves?

Have we forgotten how to do nothing?

Think about a typical evening. We settle onto the sofa, turn on the television and almost automatically pick up our phones. We might watch a programme while simultaneously checking messages, reading the news, or scrolling through social media. Are we even watching the television anymore?

And when was the last time we stood in a queue, waited for someone or even went to the toilet without taking our phones? It sounds amusing, but perhaps it tells us something about how uncomfortable we have become with simply being still.

Our brains are constantly fed information. Every notification, news headline and short video demands a little more of our attention. While this does not necessarily cause harm, constantly switching between activities can make it harder to settle mentally.

Doomscrolling can be particularly unhelpful. When we repeatedly expose ourselves to distressing news or negative content, we may reinforce the very anxiety we are trying to escape. We feel anxious, so we pick up our phones to distract ourselves. We see something worrying, feel more anxious and continue scrolling. And so the cycle continues.

What happens when we finally go to bed?

Sleep is fundamental to our emotional and physical wellbeing, yet many of our evening habits may be working against us.

Bright screens close to bedtime can interfere with our natural sleep-wake rhythm. Emotionally stimulating content can leave our minds feeling alert rather than relaxed. Alcohol may initially make us sleepy but can disrupt the quality of our sleep later in the night.

Poor sleep can affect our concentration, patience, mood and ability to manage stress. Anxiety can also make sleep more difficult, creating a cycle that becomes increasingly hard to break. We may spend an entire evening physically resting without ever feeling mentally refreshed.

Are we meeting our emotional needs?

As a humanistic counsellor, I am particularly interested in understanding why we do the things we do. When we reach for our phones, what are we actually looking for? Connection, reassurance, entertainment or perhaps an escape from something uncomfortable?

If we feel lonely, scrolling through other people's lives may not provide the meaningful connection we need. If we feel anxious, constantly checking the news may increase our uncertainty. If we are unhappy with aspects of our lives, distraction may offer temporary relief without helping us understand what needs to change. Sometimes we become so accustomed to the habits that we stop questioning whether they are serving us.

And this is where I believe personal responsibility becomes important. Not as a reason to blame ourselves for struggling, but as an opportunity to recognise that some of our choices may be contributing to how we feel. We cannot always control what happens in our lives, but we can begin to take greater control over how we respond.

What are we actually prepared to change?

We all know that exercise, good sleep, meaningful relationships and managing stress are important for our health and wellbeing. Many of these factors are also associated with healthier ageing. Yet knowing what is good for us and actually changing our behaviour are two very different things.

Perhaps instead of scrolling through our phones while watching television, we could give one activity our full attention. Perhaps we could leave our phones in another room, take a short evening walk, read a book or simply have a conversation without distractions. Even allowing ourselves ten minutes of quiet might feel surprisingly unfamiliar. These changes sound simple, but changing established habits takes awareness and a willingness to do something differently.

Having worked as a counsellor for more than 30 years, particularly with people experiencing anxiety and stress, I have seen how easily we can become caught in patterns of behaviour that no longer meet our needs. Sometimes we become so busy getting through each day that we forget to ask ourselves whether we are actually enjoying our lives.

Making more mindful choices

Looking after our mental health is not simply about reducing symptoms. It is also about creating a life in which we experience connection, purpose, contentment and emotional fulfilment. We do not need to abandon television, throw away our phones or completely reinvent our evenings. But perhaps we could become a little more curious about our choices.

If we are sleeping badly, feeling increasingly anxious or experiencing a persistent sense of dissatisfaction, it may be worth looking at how we spend our time and whether our habits are helping or hindering us. Because ultimately, improving our wellbeing is not always about doing more. Sometimes it is about recognising what we need to do less of.

So tonight, before you reach for the remote control or pick up your phone, ask yourself one simple question: Is this really what I need right now? You might be surprised by the answer.