Anxiety and overthinking: why do I overthink everything?

Do you find yourself replaying conversations, worrying about the future or analysing decisions long after they have been made? Most of us overthink from time to time. Our brains are naturally designed to notice potential problems and threats, which can be helpful. However, when this protective process becomes repetitive and difficult to switch off, it can contribute to anxiety and leave us feeling drained and exhausted.

A study from Queen's University suggests that we have around 6,000 transitions between different trains of thought each day. That's a lot of thinking! Most of the time we probably don't even notice it’s happening. The difficulties arise when we become caught up in particular thoughts, going over them again and again, trying to find an answer, solve a problem or gain some certainty.

We may feel stuck in a pattern we cannot change; however, how we respond to our thoughts is not fixed, and we are not trapped. Our brains are remarkably adaptable and can change throughout our lives. This is known as neuroplasticity. When we repeatedly think or respond in a particular way, those patterns can become familiar and automatic. In the same way, with awareness and practice, we can begin to develop different ways of responding to our thoughts, rather than automatically following them wherever they take us. Over time, our brains can adapt to these new responses too.

The useful role of thinking

Thinking is a necessary part of life. We need thinking to help us with everyday things such as:

• planning our week, planning holidays
• making work-related decisions
• sparking a creative task
• creating goals
• learning and reflecting
• solving problems.

When thinking becomes worrying

The above are just a few examples where thinking is useful and necessary. The difficulties occur when these well-intentioned thoughts don’t stop, negativity kicks in, and we spiral into overthinking.

Overthinking very often looks like, "What if?":  

• What if I got it wrong?
• What if I said something wrong?
• What if something crops up in the week and my schedule falls apart?
• What if I don’t reach that goal? I will be a failure!
• What if something goes wrong?
• Should I have said it differently? Should I have said it at all?

Health-related worries can also become part of the what-if cycle. This may relate to our own health or the health of someone we care about.

Why do we overthink?

More often than not, our minds overthink to gain a sense of control or protect us from potential threats. We may be trying to protect ourselves from uncertainty, getting something wrong, or preparing for difficult situations. Our minds tell us that if we analyse a problem or an issue for long enough, we will eventually gain that sense of control and certainty.

More often than not, the opposite happens. We then become fixated on all the different possibilities, all the different avenues, all the outcomes and return repeatedly to the what-ifs. All of this can take us far away from the original question, the original thought. It then becomes the endless what-ifs that begin to fuel our anxiety and worry, rather than the original issue itself.

The need for certainty

It can be really difficult to accept that nothing is certain. That no matter what we do, how we analyse, problem-solve, we can never reach a point where we can be 100% sure of an outcome. How do we accept that we just don’t know and that not knowing is OK? The place we would like to get to is to become comfortable, or as comfortable as possible, with not knowing.

When we try to eliminate uncertainty completely, we give our minds the difficult task of working overtime to reach that place of certainty. Because it's impossible, we become exhausted, lost in overthinking, and caught up in anxious thoughts.

Chasing certainty can look like:

• over-planning every detail
• overchecking
• rumination
• seeking reassurance from others
• excessive information gathering
• mentally rehearsing different scenarios and conversations  
• struggling to delegate
• procrastination
• avoidance of or inability to make decisions.

Learning to live with uncertainty

Uncertainty can bring up uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety and worry, and we are not expecting to like those feelings. The aim is not to get rid of uncertainty; this would be very difficult, but to gradually become more able to tolerate the feelings that come with not knowing.

This might mean noticing the urge to check something again, ask someone for reassurance, go over a conversation for the tenth time or mentally work through every possible outcome. Rather than automatically responding to that urge, can we allow the uncomfortable feeling to be there for a little while? We can begin to notice it for what it is: a feeling or sensation that, although uncomfortable, doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong or that we need to do something about it.

It can also help to come back to the facts. When we overthink, the stories and scenarios we create can take us miles away from what is actually happening. We can notice when we have drifted from the original situation and ask ourselves, "What do I actually know to be true right now, in this moment?" This can act as an anchor, bringing us back to what is happening in the present, rather than everything that might happen in the future.

None of this is easy, particularly if overthinking has become a long-standing pattern. But with practice, we can notice ourselves being pulled into it a little sooner and choose differently about whether we follow it.

Mindfulness can also be a useful tool for managing anxiety and overthinking. It isn't about clearing the mind of all thoughts completely or meditating for hours every day. Instead, it can help us notice when we have got caught up in our thoughts and bring our attention back to the present moment. Over time, mindfulness can help us develop a different relationship with our thoughts. We can begin to notice them without the urge to automatically follow them wherever they want to take us.

What might be underneath the overthinking?    

Overthinking, anxiety and worry don’t just appear out of nowhere, and there can be many things they can be linked to, such as:

• a fear of getting things wrong
• perfectionism
• fear of rejection
• low self-confidence
• low self-esteem
• previous experiences, either in childhood or in adulthood, relating to criticism
• people-pleasing
• difficult relationships.

We develop these patterns as a subconscious way of protecting ourselves from experiences in our lives that we have found difficult. If we have experienced criticism, unpredictability or difficult relationships, for example, we may have learnt to anticipate problems, get things right, keep other people happy or stay one step ahead.

Overthinking can be exhausting. When so much time and energy is spent analysing, anticipating and trying to work things out, it can begin to affect sleep, concentration, relationships, work and our ability to simply enjoy what is happening around us.

Working with a counsellor can help you to understand your own patterns and what may be underneath them, become more aware of your emotional and physical responses and begin to develop different ways of responding to anxious thoughts and uncertainty.

You don't need to wait until anxiety or overthinking becomes unbearable before seeking support. Sometimes simply beginning to understand why your mind is doing what it is doing can be an important first step towards changing your relationship with it.