Understanding anger and how to manage it

Anger is something most of us feel at some point or another. We could be angry about being asked to stay late at work, completing extra tasks, not feeling listened to or feeling as though we are being treated unfairly, to name but a few reasons.

Anger is a natural reaction and can be relevant and justified if we feel under threat. However, it is how we respond to the anger that is important. Feeling angry is not the same as acting aggressively or violently. While anger itself is a normal emotion, how we respond to it matters.

We all experience anger differently depending on things such as age, gender, upbringing, childhood experiences such as bullying, stress, environment, and influences such as drugs or alcohol, or the availability of other coping mechanisms. The list of influences that can affect how we react is extensive.

Understanding anger

Physical sensations frequently go hand in hand with anger. It may be that you feel your heart race or your muscles tense, perhaps across your shoulders and neck or in your jaw, and you may clench your fists. For some people, it may be a feeling of nausea or headaches.

These physical symptoms can be brought on by some of the same chemicals that are released when we are in fight-or-flight mode, including adrenaline and noradrenaline. These chemicals prepare the body for action. So, not only do we have an emotional response but a physical one. When we're highly aroused, it can become harder to pause, think clearly and consider the consequences of our response.

What might be underneath your anger?

There are strategies to help manage anger which can be of great benefit. Sometimes anger can also sit alongside, or be triggered by, other feelings such as guilt, fear, resentment, hurt or loss. Being able to identify these feelings can be of great benefit, as it can help us understand our anger response.

If we understand the anger, we are more likely to be able to deal with it and find an effective strategy to help manage it in the future.

Is suppressing anger a good idea?

Constantly suppressing anger isn't usually helpful. Think about the analogy of a bottle of fizzy drink which has been shaken: the lid comes off and there is an explosion of suppressed liquid. It can be similar with anger; if we continually keep it in, at some point it may be triggered, and a much bigger anger reaction can emerge than is relevant to the situation.

How can you manage anger in the moment?

Firstly, do not respond immediately; give yourself time to think. Hard, I know, when everything may be screaming to get out. However, you are more likely to respond and get a more positive result if you take time to consider your response.

A considered response is less likely to have negative consequences. If necessary, excuse yourself and come back to the situation when you are calm. Not easy when you are angry, but keeping things in control will work to your benefit in the long run.

Silence is another strategy which can be an excellent tool and can take others very much by surprise. Silence allows you time to think and the other person to reflect on what they have just said and the impact it has. This can work in your favour.

In your responses, use constructive language and use ‘I’ statements such as: ‘I feel frustrated by what you just said’ or ‘when you talk to me like that I feel disrespected.’

Try to come up with solutions in your responses rather than just arguing back, as this will not help to diminish the anger.

Humour can be a powerful tool to try and release feelings of tension; however, do not get this confused with sarcasm!

Stick to the facts and try, where possible, not to bring previous disagreements into any current situation, as this is likely to inflame the situation.

Reducing stress and getting support

Reducing your stress levels can have an impact on your ability to deal with difficult situations. Meditation, exercise, calming activities and enough quality sleep can all help with this.

Should you need further support, do get in touch with a counsellor near you.

Asking for help with issues around anger is a strength, not a weakness.