Am I too sensitive?

"You're being too sensitive." Words that might be extremely familiar to you, whether you've heard them from other people in your life, such as parents or partners, or maybe you hear them spoken from that voice inside you when you feel "too much".

Often it's used as a way of telling you that the scale of your feelings or responses isn't "right", that you shouldn't be hurt, angry or bothered by what's happened. Over time, you might internalise this message to mean that you can't trust your own emotional responses, and that you aren't able to accurately gauge what's happening around you. It can leave you feeling overwhelmed, disconnected and anxious about yourself and the world.

What does being "too sensitive" really mean?

Being highly sensitive is a trait that many of us have, with roughly 20-30% of the population estimated to be highly sensitive. People who identify as Highly Sensitive (HSP) have often experienced their sensitivity as being seen as a bad thing, or something they just aren't controlling well enough. This isn't true, but these messages can be damaging in the long term, teaching us to suppress our sensitivity, which can leave us exhausted by all the information we are constantly taking in and processing.

So what if we looked at high sensitivity as an attribute to nurture and care for instead? High sensitivity is a trait that's been found in over 100 species of animals and has huge benefits to the individual as well as the society they live in. Much in the way Extroverts experience the pros of being able to engage easily with those around them, but can feel un-energised after too much time alone, we could view being highly sensitive as a wonderful opportunity to connect with the world and intuit details, whilst also requiring care around what we choose to interact with so that we aren't feeling dismissed or overwhelmed.

Common traits and signs of a highly sensitive person 

Some common traits of a HSP may include:

• Processing things deeply, thinking things through and taking in lots of detail from around you and from within you.
• Empathising easily, feeling emotions intensely and being moved emotionally by things like TV shows, books, music, the news and other people's experiences.
• Finding people often tell you how good you are at understanding their feelings and thoughts.
• Noticing things that might be considered small to others, like tone of voice, facial expressions, things being moved, lighting, fragrances, sounds, softness or textures.
• Being very creative, easily finding inspiration and feeling drawn to ways to express yourself and your experiences.
• Finding you feel overwhelmed quickly by time pressures or loud, high sensory environments and experience stress, migraines and headaches.

Each of these traits is wonderful in its own right and is an important part of the collective human experience that we get to contribute to as a HSP. Humans and other animals have evolved to have different strengths and weaknesses to be part of a thriving and diverse community. Being a HSP is an important part of that, helping us observe, consider actions and survive by paying attention.

Appreciating your high sensitivity 

If we can think of sensitivity as a thermometer, then we have the most powerful thermometer on the market. It helps us to tell when things are too hot in a way that regular thermometers aren't sensitive enough to, and we can pull back before we get burnt if we can listen to what it's telling us.

High sensitivity is a gift that many people will be heartened to experience with us. The kindness and gentleness that come from it, and the integrity and fierceness that can also come from being so attuned to the world around us. It's also a good gauge for people who don't respect us or are treating us in ways we don't like, too – and often these may be the people who tell us we are too sensitive.

How to care for your high sensitivity 

Looking after our sensitivity is vital to our well-being. We need to make sure our thermometer has a chance to return to room temperature in order to feel safe and manage our energy levels, which can drain quickly for HSPs from all the processing going on.

Finding ways to settle yourself and find a sense of peace and safety are vital to supporting your energy levels, as a common theme amongst HSPs is getting burnt out. Switching off or zoning out might happen often if you're experiencing this, but they aren't restorative for you. They are in survival mode, kicking in to protect a system that's overwhelmed, not long-term supports. Finding ways to turn down the amount of input but still stay present and find calmness is essential for HSPs.

It's also important that we take care of our self-esteem as a HSP. We may be taking in shifts in mood and people's emotional reactions and responses, and we need to make sure we don't end up interpreting the information as about us all the time. When your sensitivity is up high, or you're feeling particularly overextended, it's easy to start feeling under attack by others' responses or outside stimulus. A healthy relationship with our own self-worth is essential to carry us with compassion through these moments. 

Therapy for high sensitivity

If self-care feels pretty hard, or if you've identified with that feeling of being overwhelmed or hurt all the time, disliking yourself or feeling shame about your sensitivity, therapy can be a really helpful way to work through these wounds that will support you throughout your life.

With a therapist who understands high sensitivity, you can learn to appreciate and take care of your sensitivity instead of fighting it or dismissing it. HSPs tend to really enjoy and get a lot out of therapy, as it is often a quiet and relaxed environment where deep conversation and feelings are welcomed. This alone can be incredibly validating and refreshing. HSPs tend to be deeply impacted by events and history, so having the space to explore and process the ways this impacts you and your relationships is especially helpful.