Am I really lonely - or just insecure?

So many of my clients report feeling lonely—especially during the holiday season. Time and time again, they face the usual inner battles of comparing themselves to others, engaging in negative self-chatter, and feeling a sense of hopelessness in the social world. But the surprising thing is, when we dig a little deeper, we always encounter a similar barrier to feeling connected with others: low self-esteem.

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Plagued by thoughts of not being worthy of others' time and attention, feelings of inadequacy, or simply feeling too socially anxious to leave their homes, their loneliness often turns out to be a symptom of something much deeper.

Key takeaways:

  • What is low self-esteem?
  • How can it contribute to our social experiences?
  • Is there hope? 

Understanding loneliness and self-esteem

What is loneliness?

We all know loneliness is an absence of social interaction leading to feelings of disconnection. For some, this manifests as isolation and further withdrawal. For others, it may look like being around people but never feeling truly connected. Self-esteem plays a key role here, as low self-worth can lead to inauthenticity, people-pleasing, or “chameleoning” to fit in—or at least avoid rejection.

Unfortunately, loneliness can have serious consequences for mental health. It’s a leading predictor of depression and anxiety, creating a feedback loop of withdrawal and increased suffering. Research shows that disconnection from a community can even affect physical health, impacting sleep quality, stress tolerance, and immune system function.

Is there a quick fix for loneliness?

In short — yes and no. While there are immediate steps you can take, loneliness is often tied to deeper issues like low self-esteem.

With low self-esteem comes a low opinion of oneself. You might be so inwardly critical that the idea of attending a social occasion without wearing a facade feels debilitating. When we let our low self-esteem go unchallenged, we avoid, withdraw, or chameleon our way through social situations—ultimately trying to stay unnoticed, unchallenged, and, most of all, un-rejected.

These safety mechanisms may seem helpful, but are they really? Despite their intention to protect us, do they succeed in providing the fulfilling connections we want? Are we truly satisfied hiding our true selves?

This is where cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) comes in.


The role of CBT in breaking the cycle of low self-esteem

How CBT works

CBT is based on the idea that our thoughts influence our feelings and behaviour. For instance, someone who thinks, “I’m not good enough,” may feel inadequate, anxious, or depressed when invited to a social event. These feelings then drive avoidance, like cancelling plans. This withdrawal reinforces the belief, creating a vicious cycle.

As a CBT therapist, I help clients identify these cycles and work towards their goals —whether that’s going to the pub with friends or going on a first date. Together, we identify cognitive blocks and use CBT techniques to reframe and challenge unhelpful thoughts. Clients then mindfully step into new, challenging situations, updating their beliefs and building new neural pathways.

The goal isn’t just to improve social interactions but also to develop more accurate, compassionate self-perceptions.

For example:

  • “I’m unlikeable” becomes “Actually, most people seem to like me.”
  • “Other people will ridicule me” becomes “Some might, but most people are safe and kind.”

These updated beliefs make future social events less anxiety-inducing and more accessible — and, dare I say, even fun.


Key CBT techniques for loneliness and self-esteem

Identifying negative thoughts

  • Start with a thought diary to capture thoughts as they occur. This brings subconscious beliefs into the light.
  • Example: “Nobody wants to hear from me” or “I’m not good enough to make friends.”

Challenging assumptions

  • Together, we examine thoughts for accuracy and usefulness.
  • Example: “What proof do you have that others don’t enjoy your company?”

Behavioural experiments

  • Test those thoughts in real life.
  • Example: If your thought is “If I talk to that person, they’ll reject me,” take a small, mindful step to disprove it. Start with small acts like saying good morning to a neighbour, making eye contact with a shopkeeper, or voicing an opinion to a friend. 

Next steps on your CBT journey

Every journey, no matter how big, starts with a single step. Take the first step by booking your free consultation. Here you can begin discussing your own experiences of loneliness or low self-esteem, and what your goals are for therapy.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Bristol, BS1 5EH
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Written by Tom Holland-Pearse
location_on Bristol, BS1 5EH
Tom Holland-Pearse: Qualified therapist (9+ yrs) in NHS & private practice. Empowers individuals to navigate life's challenges & build emotional well-being.
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