Not looking back in anger

Of all the feelings we can have, anger can be a particularly difficult one to accept and deal with. It is a very intense feeling and is often - if not restrained - more hurtful to the angry person than to its intended recipient.

Anger itself is a completely normal and very human feeling. As a fleeting feeling, it is relatively unproblematic, however, if anger starts to control your life and affect your relationships then there may be underlying issues that will need to be further explored.

In evolutionary terms, anger has been a necessary feeling that helped our survival. In its biological function anger is a response to a perceived threat. Our instinctive way to express anger is through aggression. This would allow us to fight and defend ourselves when under attack. Physically the body responds by showing an increased heart rate and blood pressure.

Anger can take many forms from mild irritation to outbreaks of rage. It can be directed inward as much as outward. Some people direct their anger at themselves, for example by physically hurting themselves. Others are more likely to express their anger in relationships with others, usually those who are closest and therefore most receptive. The immediate cause of anger can be varied; we can be angry in response to a perceived threat, the loss of a loved one, when feeling unfairly treated, when feeling stressed, sad or helpless.

Unexpressed anger can create a range of problems. It can lead to more pathological forms of anger, for example, passive-aggressive behaviour where the anger is never quite openly voiced but the other person is under attack. Continuously suppressed anger can lead to a personality that is constantly cynical and hostile.

How can counselling help?

Counselling can help clients who experience uncontrollable anger, feelings of aggression and rage by encouraging them to verbalise their anger in the therapy session rather than outside. It can be a relief for clients to give vent to their destructive feelings without having to worry about doing damage to the relationship with the therapist.

Many clients feel that they are too destructive and their anger is, therefore, turned inwards, finding expression for example in depression or its more extreme form, self-harm. Suppressed anger, when turned inward, can result in several physical symptoms too, for example, high blood pressure or hypertension.

Clients are safe in the relationship with their therapist who is trained to verbally receive anger without being damaged or destroyed by it. The counsellor can help get to the root cause of the client’s anger by linking what is happening now to past events and exploring whether the client’s anger is related to other, more deep-seated feelings. This may help to clarify the intensity of the anger and help clients feel less guilty about being angry. If there is a real reason for guilt, i.e. somebody got hurt; the client may wish to work with the therapist on mending a broken relationship and finding ways to control their anger.

Contrary to popular myth clients in therapy are not encouraged to ‘let it all out’, e.g. by whacking a cushion repeatedly. A therapist will work with you to understand your anger better as well as control it in a more effective way for example by getting you to relax. Breathing exercises help to address the physical symptoms of anger which will help you feel calmer and more in control.

In therapy, you can explore thinking differently about your anger, replacing your angry thoughts with more rational ones. You will also have the opportunity to consider different modes of communication with other people that allow you to be assertive rather than hostile.