Grief Uncovered

December 3rd, 2011 by Caroline Clarke, MBACP - Post-graduate Diploma

Mary is in her early sixties. Her mother died when she was seven. She did not attend the funeral, staying with a neighbour for the day instead. In an effort to protect his only child from pain, Mary’s grieving father rarely mentioned her mother after the death and remarried a year later. He discouraged Mary from having a photo of her mother on the dressing table in her room once his new wife had moved into the house. Mary treasures this photo and keeps it wrapped in a cardigan she wore as a child.

Six months ago Tom came home from work to find that Alex, his partner of twelve years, had walked out on him taking their much-loved dog, Buster, with him. Recently, Tom has noticed that his circle of friends has shrunk and people seem to be avoiding him. He turned up drunk at a party a few weeks ago and ended up shouting obscenities at a friend’s new partner. Tom is finding it difficult to leave the flat. He particularly avoids walking along the nearby beach where he and Alex used to take Buster. A close friend has been urging Tom to stop moping and ‘move on.’

There is a saying in counselling circles that “buried feelings never die”. When we try to avoid expressing so-called ‘difficult’ emotions such as sadness and anger - to push them down inside ourselves - there is often a danger that these feelings will ‘leak out,’ affecting our mental well-being, our relationships with others and possibly even our physical health.

In some families or communities the expression of certain emotions following a loss - such as the death of someone close to us - is either discouraged completely or only tolerated within certain time limits. This could be due to individual family beliefs or a reflection of the culture within which the family finds itself. Indeed, responses to grief change over time such that, for example, behaviour that was once frowned upon as culturally unacceptable or emotionally damaging for one generation becomes the norm for the next.

I believe that as human beings we do not necessarily ‘get over’ or ‘move on’ from grief and leave it behind in the past. Rather, by changing our response to our feelings, grief can be incorporated into our world in such a way that our lives continue to change and grow around it. Gradually, grief becomes a part of who we are without dominating our thoughts or preventing us from living life to the full.

For those of us who have experienced a painful loss, whether it might be in recent months or many decades ago, counselling can provide an opportunity to talk about our grief in a contained and supportive atmosphere and at a pace and direction that suits us. Exploring feelings of sadness, anger, loneliness, guilt or relief surrounding a loss of any kind can be challenging.  For a time, we might well feel worse before we start to feel better. However, the therapeutic process can allow us to gently uncover distressing feelings and work through them in the company of a fellow human being whose aim is to respond with respect, patience and understanding. The result can be a move to patterns of responding to life’s difficulties that help us get more of what we want out of life.

Mary and Tom’s stories are fictitious.