Why do people cheat?
An affair or betrayal may be linked to longer-term relationship difficulties, but the reasons why someone is unfaithful vary depending on their personal circumstances. These can include unmet emotional needs, a desire for excitement, or changes in personal circumstances. Below, we explore some reasons people may have affairs.
To save the relationship
Sometimes people have an affair hoping it will solve a problem that, for some reason, couldn’t be met in the relationship. They look outside the relationship for the "missing part of the jigsaw" that allows them to function within it.
Relationships can come under strain for a variety of reasons, and when we experience stress or emotional strain, it can cause us to think and behave in ways we wouldn't naturally. In this way, betrayal may be an unconscious attempt to avoid relationship problems rather than tackle them head-on.
Emotional dissatisfaction is another common factor, and many will betray their loved one to seek lost admiration, validation, connection, and intimacy. This may be why some affairs begin around the birth of a child or during another major life change. Betrayal can also be an attempt to regain power in a relationship after an unhappy or difficult circumstance. Anger and loss can be temporarily eased through an affair, with little thought for the long-term consequences.
To end the relationship
Another reason people betray others is to end the relationship. Problems that have gradually snowballed may lead to a relationship breakdown that neither party wants to officially end – this may be due to a fear of being alone. Infidelity or betrayal, therefore, can seem like a simpler way out of the relationship, or a way to escape it without having to take responsibility for the consequences.
In other cases, affairs can be a means of seeking pleasure, opportunity, and excitement. Sometimes people will have an affair as a means to boost their self-esteem and social recognition. In these circumstances, someone may prioritise their own needs or desires without fully considering the impact on those close to them.
In this video, relationship therapist Alison Tinsley explains how counselling can help couples navigate affairs.
Discovering an affair or betrayal
Discovering that a partner has been unfaithful can be deeply upsetting. The loss of trust may bring feelings of grief, anger, confusion, or uncertainty about the future of your relationship.
Grief
Grief is a common response to the loss of the relationship as it was known and to the loss of trust that had existed. There may even be sadness over a loss of expectation. This is because betrayal means a loss of security, loss of respect and, above all, the loss of the 'perfect relationship' ideal.
Questioning
Discovering an affair can trigger many questions, particularly for the person who has been betrayed. You may feel confused and uncertain about the relationship and the person you thought you could trust.
The discovery of betrayal can lead to questions such as:
- How could they do this to me?
- Why did they do it?
- What else have they lied about?
- What did I do or not do?
- Can I ever trust them again?
- Can we recover from this?
- Should I walk away from this relationship?
- Was there something wrong in our relationship?
As for the person who committed the betrayal, they too may be feeling confused, distressed and guilty over the realisation of their wrongdoing – especially if it was not their intention to hurt the other person.
Fight-or-flight response
Mixed emotions of anger, resentment, blame, shock, and bewilderment can lead to knee-jerk responses such as filing for divorce and blocking all contact with the person who committed the betrayal.
These are typical fight-or-flight reactions – ways in which our body naturally responds to stressful and threatening situations – and tend to be triggered by a need to escape and defend ourselves in difficult circumstances.
Emotional vertigo
For some people, finding out someone they valued and trusted has betrayed them can make them feel like their world has been turned upside down – literally. In some cases, this can cause physical symptoms such as disorientation, dizziness, nausea, and out-of-body sensations.
For some people, an affair automatically signals the end of the marriage or relationship. It may be the one thing they cannot bear. For others, sexual infidelity is not particularly important and a sexual affair is of little consequence.
Effects of affairs and betrayals
The discovery of an affair brings with it a lot of emotional turmoil. If you have been betrayed, you may find yourself preoccupied with the ways in which you can immediately deal with the situation and make the pain disappear. But often these methods are ineffective and can lead to further problems – especially if the betrayal itself goes unresolved.
As you deal with the situation, be mindful of the following reactions.
Taking control
Often, the first response after discovering a betrayal is to demand full transparency from the person who committed it. This may involve demanding full access to all communications, such as email accounts, social networking sites, phone messages, and voicemails, usually in the name of rebuilding trust.
This is an understandable reaction, but such a controlling dynamic can create further problems and hurt. It fails to address what is really going on and can be exhausting and stressful for everyone involved.
Wanting to know the details
It’s natural for people who have been betrayed to want to know all the details about what happened and why. You may feel an intense urge to analyse every aspect of the betrayal to learn the truth and reassure yourself that it won't happen again. Understanding what went wrong may also seem effective for gaining some control over the situation – particularly over feelings of hurt and broken trust.
While understanding what happened may be important, repeatedly asking for details can sometimes increase distress rather than provide reassurance. While talking through the betrayal might help you accept what happened, it often involves tuning into painful feelings before you can find peace.
Retaliation
Some people who have been betrayed may desire revenge for the hurt inflicted on them. You may feel deep injustice and loss of power and feel a need to correct the wrongdoing. But whilst getting revenge may offer a temporary release from the pain and hurt, it won’t resolve anything.
How might cheating affect the person who was unfaithful?
The effects of cheating go beyond the person who has been cheated on. The person who has been unfaithful may experience embarrassment, shame, guilt, or anxiety about what has happened. They may also feel confused about whether they want to repair the relationship or walk away. These conflicting emotions can be difficult to process.
How to move on after infidelity
Once your trust has been broken, it’s understandable to feel unable to forgive and continue the relationship. For this reason, you might feel the only way to truly move on is to leave the relationship.
Although many people may choose to do this following the discovery of an affair or a betrayal, a great number will want to work things through. A betrayal may deeply shake the foundations of a relationship, but it can paradoxically make it stronger – especially if there is an attempt to rebuild trust and communication and to deal with the relationship problems that may have led to the betrayal.
Whether you decide to walk away from the relationship or try to rebuild trust, the decision is yours alone.
It can feel like a difficult decision to make, particularly if there are children involved or if you’ve been in this relationship for a long time. But the important thing to remember is that your wellbeing and happiness come first. And whichever decision you choose to make, one option will not necessarily be easier than the other.
Speaking with a qualified counsellor can help you to process your emotions and make a positive step toward the next stage of your life. They’ll encourage you to take a new, objective view of your personal history, allowing you to reflect clearly on your present situation without feeling blame.
Does counselling help after an affair?
If you decide to rebuild your relationship with your partner, relationship counselling can help. It can address many aspects of an affair or betrayal, and the impact it has had on the relationship and the individuals involved.
Couples counselling may help individuals after a betrayal is discovered – especially as it can help to contain the distress and shock that typically follows. It also provides a controlled and safe environment in which individuals can:
- Begin to make sense of what happened.
- Ask and honestly answer questions.
- Slowly and sensibly work through painful feelings, such as resentment and anger.
- Understand and grieve over the damage and hurt inflicted on the partner.
Relationship counselling can help people process difficult feelings, improve communication, and explore whether they want to rebuild trust or move forward separately.
For the person who cheated, relationship counselling can help them make sense of what may have driven them to be unfaithful and process how they’re feeling in the aftermath.
You may feel unable to forgive straight away, and that is completely understandable. The first step is acceptance of what has happened.
Some couples choose to rebuild their relationship after an affair, while others decide to separate. For those who stay together, working through the betrayal may help them develop a deeper understanding of one another.
Another important aspect of couples counselling is the way it addresses any long-term underlying issues that may have led to the betrayal. This can build awareness and understanding about why the betrayal happened and what can be done in the future to prevent it from happening again. A therapist may also help to clarify the true nature of the relationship by encouraging an open exploration of its strengths and weaknesses.
If the relationship is to recover, good communication about the infidelity and any problems in the relationship will be key. Although relationship counselling may be painful, it offers both partners a safe neutral place to discuss their feelings and the best way forward.
- Counsellor G. Orr discusses how to overcome infidelity.
What should I be looking for in a counsellor or therapist?
When choosing a relationship counsellor, ask about their qualifications, training, and experience working with couples and infidelity. Finding someone you feel comfortable talking to can also help you get the most from counselling.
For assurance and peace of mind, all professionals listed on Counselling Directory have provided proof of membership with a professional body, and their profiles include details of how they work and any relevant training.
If you're struggling with the impact of an affair or betrayal, you don't have to work through it alone. Explore our directory to find a qualified counsellor who can support you in deciding what comes next.
