How to effectively address your relationship problems

Relationships that function most positively are when each person is intentional and purposeful in their attitudes and behaviours towards each other. This means being aware of, and respectful, of how the other person gets triggered and emotionally activated. It doesn't mean that there is always harmony but it does mean that there is respectful communication when disharmony occurs. 

Let's say that one person in a relationship has a fear of abandonment and their anxiety about attachment gets easily activated in social situations. The relationship will tick along in a healthy manner if the other person is mindful of the other's anxiety and, in response, behaves in an intentional and purposeful way. This might entail being more understanding, compassionate and patient in the face of their partner's triggering. However, the relationship will suffer if, in response to that trigger of anxiety, there is irritation, impatience and a lack of understanding.

To be aware of another's emotional triggering presupposes, of course, that one is aware of their own emotional system and are able to display appropriate empathy when conflict occurs. Some people struggle with this task and, therefore, display a lack of self-reflection, which can mean that in relationships they will regularly suffer from communication breakdown with others.

Couples tend to enter therapy when day-to-day relating has reached crisis levels. There is often a lack of communication, or communication has become combative and estranged. The challenges in their relationship are about how to build a new capacity in dealing with and resolving conflict. The temptation to try to immediately resolve conflict in the counselling sessions might be present but this can often be a misguided use of time as any positive impact is lost in the real world outside of the session. Besides, couples can argue with each other outside of the therapy sessions at their own will.

More effective therapy is about each person understanding their own respective trigger cycles, how they typically get affected and how long it takes to come out of the cycle. Bringing those insights into the relationship can bring about more positive conflict resolution and greater harmony in the relationship. This is when there is greater intentionality and purposefulness in behaviours when the relationship grows.

Where sex in the relationship is troublesome, it can be a useful exercise for each person to define a list of what is a healthy expression of their own sexuality. For instance:

• What might the role of fidelity be? What would constitute flirting or cheating?
• What is shared/secret about fantasies and self-pleasure?
• What could be the points of compromise?

Relationships with well-defined and negotiated boundaries can be the most healthy. This means each person knows what their own flags and dealbreakers are and how to successfully negotiate these with other people. Everyone is safe if they know where they stand.

Relationships thrive when there are clear and well-expressed boundaries and when there is mutual respect for each other. Counselling sessions that focus on improved self-awareness can lead to greater intentionality and purposefulness which can become an ingrained aspect of healthy and resilient relationships.