Your ancestral inheritance: What you carry forward

I will never forget the moment I met my biological father. It was as though I was seeing a mirror of myself in another person, right down to some of my most annoying habits, as my husband loves to remind me. But it was more than just recognising the curve of my smile or the tone of my voice. It was a profound moment of understanding the nature within me, the parts of myself that I thought were just quirks suddenly had a source. And it got me thinking about the things we inherit beyond eye colour or a stubborn jawline.

What we inherit: More than just DNA

Sure, we all know that we inherit our physical appearance, health risks, and even some talents from our ancestors. But our inheritance goes much deeper. We carry forward family stories, beliefs, communication styles, emotional patterns, even our approach to money and relationships.

For instance, I worked with a client who came to me struggling with her relationship with her daughter. The arguments were constant, and she couldn’t understand why they clashed so much. As we explored her story, a pattern began to emerge. Her mother had been distant and critical, and her grandmother before that was even stricter, three generations of mothers and daughters, all struggling with the same pattern of conflict and emotional distance. They were trapped in an inherited dance of hurt and misunderstanding, each generation unknowingly repeating the same steps.

But it’s not just the emotional or behavioural traits that pass down. Scientific studies have shown that trauma can be inherited, too. Children born to World War II survivors of the Dutch Hunger Winter were more prone to developing type II diabetes, heart disease, and other health issues in adulthood. Trauma, stress, and survival instincts can imprint themselves on our very biology.

Intergenerational trauma: The wounds we didn’t choose

Intergenerational trauma is a silent traveller, crossing generations without invitation. It can begin with one person’s experience, war, displacement, abuse, or neglect, but its echoes can reach those who never experienced it firsthand. You may feel anxious without knowing why, struggle with self-worth, or find yourself caught in toxic relationships. Sometimes, the answer lies in a story you didn’t live but carry just the same.

Yet it’s not all negative. Alongside the burdens, we inherit strengths, resilience, courage, humour, and creativity. Even those who came from troubled backgrounds may carry within them the resourcefulness or determination that helped their ancestors survive.

Healing a negative legacy: Choosing change

But what if the legacy you’ve inherited is painful? What if, like my client, you find yourself repeating patterns you don’t want? The first step is recognising it, looking at your life and asking, “Is this mine? Or is it something I’ve been handed?”

I always encourage clients to start small. If your family has a tendency to focus on the negative, begin a simple daily practice of gratitude. If communication in your family has always been critical or dismissive, practise active listening and respectful dialogue with those around you.

Healing doesn’t mean erasing the past; it means choosing how it will continue to affect you. When you break a negative pattern, whether it’s emotional detachment, guilt-tripping, or people-pleasing, you’re not just changing your life. You’re changing your family’s story.

Acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness

Of course, this journey isn’t always straightforward. Sometimes healing means accepting that some family members may never change. Sometimes it means choosing forgiveness, not for their sake, but for yours. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning hurtful behaviour; it means freeing yourself from the weight of it.

One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned, both personally and professionally, is that our ancestors were shaped by circumstances we may never fully understand. Perhaps they were just trying to survive, and their survival strategies became the unhealthy behaviours they passed down. Compassion for their struggles can be a bridge to understanding and healing.

To cut ties or set boundaries?

For some, healing means creating distance. If a relationship is toxic or abusive, cutting ties may be the healthiest option. But in many cases, boundaries can be a middle ground protecting your well-being without severing connections entirely.

It’s important to remember that not everyone will be willing to change, and that’s okay. You are allowed to choose a different path, even if those who came before you couldn’t.

Exploring your past: Getting to the roots

Understanding what you’ve inherited begins with curiosity. Trace your family tree, talk to relatives, uncover family stories. Was there a history of trauma, addiction, or abandonment? Or were there also stories of resilience, of survival against the odds? Understanding where you come from can be a powerful tool for understanding yourself.

When I found my biological father, I gained more than just a face that looked like mine. I gained an understanding of myself, where I got my creative streak, my stubbornness, and even some of my annoying habits. But I also saw the struggles he carried, and how some of them echoed in my own life.

Healing our ancestral inheritance is not about blaming our parents or grandparents. It’s about honouring our past, learning from it, and then deciding what we want to carry forward.

Your Story, your choice

You are the latest chapter in your family’s story. But the pen is now in your hands. Will you continue the same patterns, or will you write something new?

If you’re ready to explore your own inheritance and create a new legacy, a counsellor or therapist can walk that path alongside you.