You are not alone: A guide for men through miscarriage

Miscarriage is a very painful experience which is often associated primarily with the physical and emotional toll it takes on women. However, the effects of miscarriage extend profoundly to male partners. Though their experiences are frequently overlooked in both social and clinical contexts. Understanding how miscarriage impacts men can open avenues for helpful support structures, more effective coping strategies, and healthier relationships as couples begin to navigate the grieving process together.

1. Emotional impact of miscarriage on men

Men who experience the loss of a pregnancy often feel a unique type of grief, marked by sorrow, disappointment, and helplessness. They may have anticipated a new role as a father, imagined future memories, and developed a bond with the child they were expecting. When miscarriage occurs, these hopes and visions are abruptly shattered, leaving men with feelings that can be intense.

Grief and loss

Men feel the loss profoundly, though they might express it differently than their partners. Societal expectations often dictate that men remain "strong," but the pain of losing a child can lead to silent suffering. Unlike women, who may find themselves openly discussing their grief, men are more likely to suppress emotions. This may stem from internalised beliefs that they need to provide support and stability for their partner rather than allowing themselves the time to process their own grief.

Feelings of helplessness and failure

Many men feel helpless after a miscarriage, particularly because they cannot alleviate the physical and emotional pain their partners are enduring. This helplessness can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy, as they might feel they have failed in their role as a protector. 

Depression and anxiety

Studies indicate that men who experience miscarriage are at an elevated risk for depression and anxiety. These feelings will often go unaddressed, as men are less likely to seek mental health support after a miscarriage compared to women. This can have long-term repercussions, impacting their mental well-being, relationships, and work performance.

2. Social stigma and isolation

While women may receive sympathy and support from family, friends, and healthcare providers after a miscarriage, men often face a different social response. Friends and family may not acknowledge their grief, and men themselves may downplay their emotions. Many men report feeling socially isolated and believe that society doesn’t recognise their need for emotional support.

Lack of acknowledgement of grief

Men’s grief following a miscarriage often goes unrecognised, in part due to a societal focus on the physical aspects of miscarriage that women experience. The invisible nature of men’s grief is compounded by the lack of open discussion, as men may feel that expressing their feelings isn’t appropriate or that they won’t be understood.

Pressure to support their partner

Social expectations frequently position men as the primary support system for their partners during this time. This can make them feel that their role is solely to comfort rather than to grieve. Men may also fear that showing vulnerability will make their partner feel worse, leading them to put their grief aside.  This burden of support without any personal healing can lead to an increased emotional strain.

3. Impact on relationships and communication

A miscarriage can place significant stress on relationships. While some couples report a stronger bond after experiencing grief together, others may find that the miscarriage puts certain strains on their communication and emotional closeness.

Difficulty in communication

Men and women often experience grief differently, which can lead to misunderstandings and distance within the relationship. Men may attempt to "fix" their partner’s grief by offering solutions or encouraging them to move forward, while women may want to process their emotions more openly and at a different pace. This disconnect in grieving styles can make both partners feel misunderstood.

Potential for emotional withdrawal

Some men, feeling overwhelmed or unsure of how to express their emotions, may emotionally withdraw from their partners. This can result in feelings of loneliness for both parties, potentially leading to resentment or misunderstanding. Couples who find it difficult to communicate effectively after a miscarriage present a higher risk for relational discord, which can have lasting effects on their connection.

Increased closeness for some couples

On the other hand, some men find that the shared experience of loss brings them closer to their partner. By supporting each other and processing their grief together, they may develop a stronger bond and a deeper understanding of one another's needs and feelings.

4. Coping strategies for men after miscarriage

Men can benefit from various coping strategies to help them process their grief after a miscarriage. Acknowledging their emotions, finding ways to honour their loss, and seeking support can significantly aid their healing journey.

Seeking professional support

Therapy or counselling can provide a safe space for men to explore their emotions without the pressure to "stay strong." Counselling can be particularly helpful in teaching healthy coping mechanisms, understanding grief, and learning ways to communicate effectively with their partner.

Joining support groups

Men’s support groups focused on grief and miscarriage are growing in number, offering spaces where men can talk to others who have been through similar experiences. This can alleviate feelings of isolation and provide validation for their emotions.

Practising self-care and mindfulness

Physical activities, such as exercising, walking, or hobbies, can be beneficial for emotional processing. Practising mindfulness and taking time for self-care can also help men navigate their emotions with greater clarity and resilience. I make use of the outdoors to offer walking/talking therapy for men who can open up with their feelings and emotions. 

Commemorating the loss

For some men, commemorating their loss helps in making sense of their grief. Writing a letter to their unborn child, planting a tree, or creating a memorial can serve as meaningful expressions of love and remembrance. Something that helped me specifically was to give names to our lost babies, this gave identity to each child. It also includes them in our thoughts when we celebrate events, such as Christmas or New Year.

5. Moving forward as a couple

Healing after miscarriage is a journey that requires understanding, empathy, and patience for both partners. Encouraging open communication, giving each other space to grieve in their own ways, and seeking mutual support can help couples find strength together.

Both men and women need the time and space to grieve and heal in ways that feel natural to them. Recognising the profound impact that miscarriage has on men can lead to more compassionate support systems, not only for women but for all parents dealing with loss. With the right resources and a strong support system, men can navigate the pain of miscarriage, heal, and ultimately carry forward the love they had for their child in ways that honour both their experience and the child’s memory.

Resources

• Miscarriage for Men
• Tommy's
• Miscarriage Association