“Will I be single forever?” Valentine’s Day questions about love

The Beatles famously sang “All you need is love.” If this is true, then Valentine's Day might highlight the lack of love we feel in our lives. 

On Valentine's Day, we are bombarded with endless performances of love from every media outlet (mostly centred around ‘perfect’ romantic relationships). If we start to compare our relationships to these ideas and images, we might fall into a pit of despair. Feeling sorry for ourselves, tucking into sweet treats for comfort, or spending ages in bed to block out what is.

What is this lack we feel? A sadness? Disappointment that our (perhaps idealist) expectations of how love would look at this point in our lives, do not match reality? Loss of a potential future we were robbed of?

Single status

These feelings may trigger unanswerable questions such as “Will I be single forever?” or “Will this relationship last?” I hear clients raise this all the time in therapy sessions. The truth is no one knows the future. And single, or not, love is still something we can feel, share and receive. So, what does the answer to this question mean to us, what are we asking here? 

Does being single, or the end of a romantic relationship tie into beliefs we have about ourselves? Do we categorise it as providing evidence that we are unlovable? That love is accessible to others, but not us. We might believe that we are incapable of loving others. Scared of harming them or of them harming us (physically and/or emotionally).

What do we mean by love?

Our definition of love might be tied to having a romantic partner. Is this a fair definition? When we consider our personal hierarchy of love, how do we decide which form of love trumps another? Love for our friends? Our pets? Our children? Our parents? Our partner? How about self-love? Do different relationships provide us with equally important experiences of love? Also, which way do we expect the love to flow, one way, or both?

What does love look like and feel like to us? Are there emotions we feel in our body that we associate with love? Does love mean feeling safe and cared for? When someone acts in a kind and meaningful way towards us, do we feel loved? Do we feel loved when someone’s actions towards us match their words? When do we feel seen and heard? 

How much love are we putting into the relationships we have, and are we receiving it back? If we are not consistently receiving love back, is this OK?

How do we express love to others? What was the last thing we did to express love? How was this responded to? How did it feel?

Feeling love

As you continue to ask yourself these questions and explore what love means to you, the loving-kindness meditation is a long-standing Buddhist practice that can help connect us to feelings of love.

I have included an exercise adapted from the loving-kindness meditation for you to try below. Each step may feel more challenging than the last, but it is a practice to come back to again over time:

• First, bring to mind a person or animal you value. Hold the image of them strongly in your mind. Imagine yourself saying to them, “May you be well, may you be happy” and sending them love.
• Then connect to yourself. Imagine telling yourself, “May you be well, may you be happy” and sending yourself love.
• Bring to mind someone you feel neutral towards. Hold the image of them strongly in your mind. Imagine yourself saying to them, “May you be well, may you be happy” and sending them love.
• Bring to mind someone you dislike. Hold the image of them strongly in your mind. Imagine yourself saying to them, “May you be well, may you be happy” and sending them love.
• Finally, hold everyone in mind that you have imagined and see if you can extend this connection to your neighbours, country, and the world, sending all living beings love, and the message “May you be well, may you be happy.”

May you be well, may you be happy and may you feel love this Valentine’s Day and all year round.