Why you feel like a fraud (and why it’s not your fault)

Do you ever walk into a meeting at work, look around the room, and think, "If they really knew me, they wouldn’t listen to a word I say"?

Despite your degrees, your promotions, and the praise you receive from coworkers, do you secretly believe your success is down to luck? Perhaps you think you just happened to be in the right place at the right time, or that someone's mistake allowed you to slip through the net.

If this sounds familiar, you are probably experiencing imposter syndrome. And you are far from alone, despite what you feel.

The “fraud” in the mirror

Imposter syndrome is that nagging disconnect between who you are on paper and who you feel like inside. On the outside, you are competent and accomplished. You walk around the office appearing confident and happy. On the inside, you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for someone to tap you on the shoulder and say, "We know you don't belong here."

Research suggests that up to 70% of people will experience this feeling at some point in their lives. It doesn’t matter if you are a university student, a CEO, or a parent; the fear of being "found out" is universal.

However, for some of us, it isn't just a fleeting thought. It is a chronic weight in the back of your mind, weighing you down. You might find yourself over-preparing for simple tasks, terrified that a single mistake will reveal your "incompetence". Or perhaps you hold back from speaking up, convinced that your contribution isn't valuable enough. It can cause you to be consciously anxious while at work because you think you are just not as good as your peers and then the fear of embarrassment when they all find out.

Where does it come from? (it’s not just in your head) 

One of the most powerful things we can do in therapy is stop asking "What is wrong with me?" and start asking "What happened to me?"

For many people, the roots of imposter syndrome go back much further than their current job. We often learn "conditions of worth" when we are children. These are the silent rules we picked up about love and acceptance.

Maybe you grew up in a home where you were praised only when you brought home an 'A'. Maybe you learned that being "good" meant being quiet, or helpful, or successful. Without realising it, you internalised a heavy belief: I am only worthy when I am achieving.

If your self-worth is tied strictly to your performance, of course you feel anxious. You are constantly on trial. One mistake doesn't just feel like an error; it feels like a failure of who you are.

The pressure of being a "first" 

We also need to be honest about the world we live in. Sometimes, you feel like an imposter because the environment wasn't built for you.

Research shows that imposter syndrome is significantly higher among people who are "firsts". This can be first-generation university students, women in male-dominated fields, or people of colour in predominantly white institutions.

If you look around the boardroom and nobody looks like you, that feeling of "I don't belong" isn't a delusion. It’s a response to a systemic reality. Acknowledging this is crucial because it stops you from blaming yourself for pressure that is coming from the outside. Not to mention all the hard work you have done from being a “first” to begin with.

Moving from "external" to "internal" 

So, how do we fix it?

The standard advice is often "fake it 'til you make it." Or you can write down your achievements on sticky notes and look at them before work. But I don’t believe that works for long. It just adds another layer of performance on top of the anxiety.

In my practice, we work on shifting where you get your validation. Right now, you might have what psychologists call an "external locus of evaluation." This basically means your sense of "okay-ness" is in someone else’s pocket. For example, your boss, your partner, your audience. If they smile, you’re safe. If they frown, you crumble. You are basing your worth on what they think or what you think they think.

The goal of therapy is to build an "internal locus of evaluation."

This means developing a core sense of self-worth that doesn't fluctuate with your job performance review or whether or not you got a promotion recently. It’s about reaching a place where you can make a mistake and think, "That was a bad attempt," not "I am a bad person."

You don't have to do it alone 

The irony of imposter syndrome is that it thrives in silence. We don't talk about it because we are terrified of exposing ourselves. But speaking it out loud is often the first step to breaking its power.

In the therapy room, you don't have to be an expert. You don't have to be the perfect professional. You can just be you. And often, experiencing a relationship where you are accepted without having to "perform" is the exact antidote to that old fear. It is what helps you start to realise it for yourself.

You have worked hard to get where you are. You didn't slip through the net. You didn't get lucky. You earned your seat at the table.

Now, it’s time to let yourself enjoy it.