Why you can't relax even when everything is going well

You’ve got the job you always wanted, a perfectly organised to-do list and your feedback from your boss is outstanding. So why does it feel like it could fall apart at any moment? 

As a therapist, one thing I’ve learned is that some of the most anxious people are the ones who appear the most 'together'. They look calm, capable, and on top of everything. But underneath? Pressure, self-doubt, and worry. They are in constant fear that someone will notice that they aren’t capable at all.

This is often called high-functioning anxiety.

So, how come capable people struggle so much?

A big part of the picture is perfectionism. Perfectionists often achieve brilliant results - they care deeply, take pride in their work, and hold themselves to high standards. But under the surface, there's fear of failure and harsh self-criticism. When perfectionism takes hold, the bar is set so high it becomes unreachable. Cue the anxiety spiral: working harder, trying to do it just right, and still feeling like you’ve fallen short.

Add the tendency to tie self-worth to achievement, and you have a recipe for burnout. The truth is, even when you do everything right, things still go wrong. If your value is based on outcomes alone, those moments can feel unbearable, as if you’ve failed as a person, not just at a task. 

Common signs this might be you:

• over-preparing for everything
• struggling to switch off (even on holiday)
• feeling like you should be able to handle it all
• working extra hours to “stay on top of things”
• worrying constantly about what others think
• a harsh inner critic that never seems satisfied

While this helps you perform well at work, it comes at a high cost. You might find yourself emotionally exhausted, battling imposter syndrome (a feeling of inadequacy that persists despite evident success), and wondering why you can’t just relax even when things are going well.

For many high-functioning people, anxiety becomes so familiar that it fades into the background. You don’t even realise how anxious you are - until you try to stop. You might notice it on weekends or holidays, when that niggling sense of dread creeps in:
 “What have I forgotten? Something’s going to go wrong.”

When left unchecked, the relentless pressure and emotional overload of high-functioning anxiety can start affecting your body and your relationships. Tension, headaches, and gut issues make you feel unwell. Your relationships suffer as you have less time to spend with loved ones, and the constant worry means that even when you are with them, you aren't emotionally present.

This worsens because many high achievers can’t ask for help. When you are used to being seen as “the strong one”, it feels like admitting failure to say you are struggling.

Here’s a different perspective to consider:

What if your anxiety isn’t a weakness but a sign that your strengths are working overtime? You’ve got so many incredible traits. But if you run them 24/7, without rest or boundaries, they work against you.

• Your attention to detail becomes overthinking every decision.
• Your drive to succeed turns into relentless pressure.
• Your empathy morphs into people-pleasing and social exhaustion.
• Your planning skills lead to constant “what if” loops and an inability to switch off.

Recognising this can empower you to take control of your anxiety, and you are able to switch off from the unrealistic standards you are setting yourself.

Let’s be clear: getting support doesn’t mean giving up ambition or success. It means letting go of the inner critic that says you must earn your worth through exhaustion.

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help you understand the unhelpful thinking patterns that fuel anxiety, like all-or-nothing thinking (“If this part went wrong, the whole thing was a failure”), catastrophising (imagining the worst possible outcome), or mind reading (assuming you know what others are thinking). These patterns can be identified and challenged with the help of a therapist.

Therapy can also work on self-compassion, which can feel completely foreign initially, especially if you’re used to motivating yourself through self-criticism. But self-compassion doesn’t mean going easy on yourself. It means recognising you’re human, you’re doing your best, and you deserve to be supported just like anyone else.