Why we struggle to make decisions and ask for others' opinions

When we struggle to make decisions, big and small, and find ourselves asking everyone else what they think before we can decide, somewhere along the way, we’ve lost trust in ourselves.

No one knows what’s right for us better than we do, but yet we’ve learnt that our voice doesn’t matter and that other people know best. We doubt our own judgement.

How self-doubt starts 

This kind of self-doubt doesn’t come out of nowhere, it’s often learnt. Parents, caregivers, or teachers may have inserted themselves into our choices, telling us they knew better. They may have criticised our decisions, or shamed us when things didn’t go to plan.

Moments like these:

• We picked an outfit we loved, only to be mocked or told it ‘looked awful’.
• We cried after falling over, and instead of comfort, we heard, ‘Stop being a baby, get up, you’re fine’.
• We spoke up about something that upset us, and were told, ‘Don’t be so sensitive’.

From these moments, we learn that we can’t trust our own feelings or choices. We were told they were wrong and conflicted with others.  

We began to internalise this voice and questioned our instincts. We looked to others to tell us what’s right. We learnt to silence our emotions, even when they were trying to guide us.

What this looks like in adulthood

As adults, this pattern can show up in subtle but powerful ways. We find ourselves:

• Constantly second-guessing decisions, even about small things.
• Needing reassurance before taking action.
• Feeling anxious if others disagree with us.
• Adapting our opinions or preferences to fit in or avoid conflict.
• Feeling disconnected from what we actually want or need.

When we’ve spent years looking outward for validation or guidance, it’s easy to lose sight of our own voice. Over time, it can lead to confusion, anxiety, and even a sense of emptiness because we’re living by someone else’s guide, not our own.

Why does this happen?

From a therapeutic perspective, this often ties back to attachment and safety.

As children, we depend on adults for survival, physically and emotionally. If those adults taught us that our feelings or choices were wrong, unsafe, or embarrassing, we learned to adapt to them in order to stay safe.

This adaptation, to please and to agree, might have been essential then, but as adults, it can hold us back from trusting ourselves. Our nervous system still links ‘disagreeing’ or ‘choosing differently’ with danger, rejection, or shame, even when it’s no longer true.

How to rebuild self-trust

Rebuilding trust with ourselves takes time and gentleness, but it’s absolutely possible. We can start by:

1. Noticing when we seek advice

The first step is awareness. Notice when we automatically ask for others' opinions. Ask ourselves, 'do I already know what I want?'. 'Am I looking for confirmations or permission?'

2. Pausing before we act

Instead of rushing to check with others, try giving ourselves a few minutes (or even a day) to sit with our own thoughts first. Journaling can help clarify what feels right.

3. Revisiting how we feel, not just what we think

Logic is important, but so are emotions. They’re signals, not weaknesses. Check in with your body. How do you feel?

4. Challenging the old stories

When self-doubt appears (‘I’ll get it wrong’ or ‘they’ll think I’m silly’), ask ourselves whose voice that really is. It can be an echo from the past, not the present truth.

Seeking therapy to help us reconnect

In therapy, we’re not being told what to do or how to feel. Instead, we’re given a space without judgement or expectation where we can rediscover our own thoughts, emotions, and instincts. For some of us, this is the first time we’ve experienced this. We can learn to listen to our own voice again and gain the confidence to trust it.

We deserve to trust ourselves

Reconnecting with ourselves isn’t about never asking for advice again, it’s about balancing external input with internal trust. It’s learning to hear our own voice clearly, even when others speak loudly. We deserve to live from a place of self-trust, not self-doubt. We deserve to make decisions that align with who we are, not who others want us to be.

Therapy can be a space to rebuild that trust at our own pace and begin to feel good about making our own choices again.