Why so many men struggle in silence – and what can help

Supporting men in therapy wasn’t something I anticipated when I started out, but it’s become one of the most meaningful aspects of my work.

What strikes me most is how many men struggle quietly. They can be holding down good jobs, keeping fit, providing for their families, doing all the things that are supposed to make them happy, yet feel constantly anxious, flat, or disconnected. And the hardest part? They rarely talk about it.

Why do men struggle to talk about emotions?

One of my clients told me he’d never spoken to anyone (other than his wife) about how he felt. He didn’t talk about emotions with his friends; they discussed work, sport, or practical things. He said, “It’s not that we’re hiding anything… it just never comes up.”

But the truth is, when feelings stay buried, they don’t go away; they build up.

Many men have grown up with the message that strength means keeping it together. I really hope that’s starting to change; it certainly feels different with my son. The way schools and parents are exploring mindset and emotions with children gives me a lot of hope. But that’s still quite new, and it certainly wasn’t how most of us grew up in the ’90s.

...you don’t have to be strong all the time and life doesn’t have to feel so hard

The emotional cost of staying strong

Back then, being strong meant not having feelings, or at least not showing them. Emotions were seen as unnecessary, even inconvenient. The message was that a “good man” just gets on with it. But pushing everything down doesn’t make it go away; it just builds pressure. Like a bubbling volcano, all those unspoken worries, frustrations, and fears simmer beneath the surface until they have nowhere else to go.

The result? Anxiety, burnout, rage, and a constant sense of emptiness because you’re always striving, never stopping to actually feel anything.

What therapy can offer men

I often say that therapy for men can feel like learning a new emotional language. For some, the hardest part isn’t the talking, it’s realising how much they’ve never said, even to themselves.

As a therapist and as someone married to a man who finds emotions uncomfortable to share, I’ve seen firsthand how isolating this can be. My husband and his close friends have gone through huge bereavements, relationship struggles, and even breakdowns, and yet, when they meet up, they barely touch on it. It’s not because they don’t care, it’s because they don’t know how.

When a man walks into therapy for the first time, I know how much courage that takes. It’s terrifying, and life-changing. The moment someone sits opposite you, not trying to fix you or give advice, but simply listening, that’s where real change begins.

I often get curious about where men’s beliefs about strength come from. Who taught them that being vulnerable is weak, or that sadness isn’t allowed? When we start to untangle that, everything shifts.

The men I work with often discover that anxiety, control, and perfectionism aren’t flaws, they’re defenses. They’ve been using them to stay safe for years. Once we understand that, we can start replacing control with compassion and perfectionism with patience.

Therapy isn’t about fixing you; it’s about helping you understand yourself.

Everyday ways to release emotional pressure

While therapy is powerful, there are also simple things men can do outside the therapy room to start releasing that pressure.

Move for release, not performance

Move your body, not to perform, but to release. Go for a walk, a run, or a gym session, but focus on how it feels rather than tracking the distance or competing with yourself. Exercise doesn’t always need to be about pushing harder; sometimes it’s about letting your body breathe.

Find real relaxation

Notice what helps you truly relax. For many, alcohol becomes the only way to switch off, but that calm is short-lived. Try finding another way to unwind, cooking, music, stretching, or even a quiet drive, something that gives your nervous system an actual break, not just a distraction.

Get it out of your head

Get whatever it is out of your head. Write it down, record a voice note, or talk out loud in the car. It doesn’t have to make sense; it just needs to come out.

Be mindful of "numbing habits"

For example, being on phones, screens, and endless scrolling. This can trick you into thinking you’re relaxing, but actually, it's keep your brain on high alert. Try five minutes of stillness instead; it might feel uncomfortable at first, but being comfortable with feeling uncomfortable really is what you can be proud of.

Reach out, even just a little

Reach out to one person. It doesn’t have to be deep. Start small, send a message, make a plan, or share something that's been on your mind. You’ll probably find they’ve felt similar but been too embarrassed to share because they assume you won’t get it.

Celebrate the small wins

Whether it’s saying no when you mean no, going for a walk, or actually resting, notice it. Progress doesn’t need to be loud to matter.

A final thought for men who are struggling

The results of this kind of work are incredible: better relationships, calmer minds, more presence with family, and, maybe most importantly, the realisation that you don’t have to be strong all the time and that life doesn’t have to feel so hard.

So if you’re reading this and recognising yourself or your partner, I want you to know this: struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. You’ve probably just been trying to cope with impossible expectations in silence. And it doesn’t have to be that way.

Therapy isn’t about fixing you; it’s about helping you understand yourself. And sometimes, that understanding changes everything.