Why might we fear crying?

One of the most common comments I hear in my therapy room when someone seems unable or fearful of crying is “What if I just don’t/can’t stop?”

Fear that we may lose control can come from a variety of sources/factors, such as: 

1. Childhood learnt behaviour: Crying may have been seen as a negative response to emotions. It may have been mocked by or even angered an influential adult in the child’s life. As an adult, the individual continues to attempt to mitigate the negative repercussions associated with crying experienced during childhood.
2. Socialisation: This can be prevalent more so in males; it includes reading/being told ‘big boys don’t cry’ or ‘man up’; thus, reinforcing a stigma of weakness associated with crying. Media reinforces this belief as well as, for example, we may see footballers ridiculed for crying or hiding their tears. In my era, this was a very famous scene featuring ‘Gazza’ as part of the England team. This should help date my age somewhat for those slightly older readers!
3. Fear of emotion: A generalised fear of showing any emotion or fear that an emotion cannot be controlled at all can stem from childhood, socialisation, media, and lack of emotional learning as a child. 

Why is crying healthy?

What we do know from science (both mind and body) is that holding emotions inside has physical impacts. In the famous book ‘The body keeps the score’, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk says, ‘if the memory of trauma is encoded in our senses, in muscle tension, and in anxiety, then the body must also be involved in the healing process’.   

Crying, therefore, along with other mindfulness techniques, can release emotions and aid with quicker healing. What we also know about crying from the world of science is: 

• Detoxification: Emotional tears contain stress hormones like cortisol. When you cry, your body expels these toxins, which can help reduce stress levels.
• Improved mood: After crying, your body releases oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone,” which helps create feelings of comfort and well-being.
• Better sleep: Crying can help you relax, making it easier to fall asleep, especially if your tears are part of releasing emotional tension.

After all, we tend to hear people talk about a ‘good cry’ which is probably because of the positive aspects listed above.

‘Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive’.

Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

Can we safely learn to cry?

Leading on from the fears that kept being expressed, I developed a ‘controlled crying’ system for adults, to allow the emotion and tears whilst at the same time they can know they are not losing control. The more the system is used, the more crying can be normalised and trauma released safely, and the less the system is felt to be required. So, I suggest the following to fearful clients: 

1. Identify your safe place to cry – for some, this is a bedroom or lounge or car in a layby they feel safe in – it may even be with someone we love and trust - it’s personal. 
2. Set an agreed limit to the crying that feels safe – this again is personal, but I suggest 30 mins at first. 
3. Identify in advance an end-of-crying session place/room to move to and an activity to then undertake. It may be moving to the kitchen and making a cup of tea, but it’s just to help you refocus and be grounding.
4. Grounding – employ any grounding/mindful techniques that your therapist has worked on with you. This may be breathing tools and sensory games.

Some clients may raise concerns that the false circumstances will make it more difficult to cry. However, feedback remains that using a song or film, etc, can help, but ultimately, the ‘safe permission’ they provide themselves allows tears to flow and emotional release to be experienced. It is certainly another tool to try.  

Moving forwards

Reteaching ourselves as adults that crying can have its place and can help us is a revelation towards healthier emotional regulation and relaxation of our bodies. Please do get in touch with a professional if you want to explore your emotions and the positive impact this can have.