Why me?

A seemingly simple question but a question that often takes a lot of effort to answer. A question that is sometimes without an answer. A question we frequently ask ourselves.  When we feel betrayed or not heard, sad and lonely. Stressed and baffled. All alone and having to deal with seemingly overwhelming feelings and circumstances with no help, encouragement or support we search for ways to deal with the situation.

In the absence of someone we can relate to, someone who we feel cares, we often try a myriad of different options. All of which provide us with some degree of relief – even if it is only temporary, they still offer relief! Be it food, sex, drink, exercise, people pleasing, dieting, self-harming or drugs, we seek out ways of changing how we feel. 

Is there another way of dealing with these feelings? A way that is less destructive and longer lasting? 

We search for ways of changing how we feel. Be it that gnawing guilt or constant anxiety. Perhaps it is seething anger or deep depression. Maybe it is feeling we have been wronged or misjudged. It can be that we feel resentful because we have been taken for granted or self-loathing because we do not feel able to change our circumstances when others seem to do so effortlessly.

Oh my, you have my deep and sincere sympathy. Such feelings and thoughts are depressingly common but they still hurt us, affect us, cause us to feel less than we want to be. 

As a counsellor, I prefer the word empathy rather than sympathy. Sympathy is usually about the person offering it, sincere but self-serving. Empathy is about feeling those feelings another person feels, feeling the impact those feelings have on the other person but still staying with that person. Being next to them as they experience the feelings, not judging but instead letting the other person know they are not alone with the feelings and it is okay to experience those feelings.

What if I were to tell you that there is a different way, a better way, a longer-lasting way of dealing with these feelings?

In my time as a counsellor, I have had clients who feel so overpowered by the feelings that they are seriously considering suicide, feeling dangerously angry as well as thoroughly depressed because they feel valueless and unheard. Feelings of guilt and shame. Unseen, unloved and not worthy of being loved. Emotionally and physically deeply unattractive. 

I see all my clients as being worthy and each one having the potential to change. Be it the parent whose child who is being placed for adoption, the victim or abuser, the spurned or neglected. 

Sometimes my own lived experience closely mirrors the circumstances the client brings into the room, sometimes not. The whole point of being a counsellor, for me, is being able to recognise each client as being an individual, each client experiencing difficulties unique to them and being able to care about them. Care about them as individuals. Individuals who deserve the same dignity, compassion and care that we all do. 

It has taken four years of formal training to be qualified as a counsellor as well as many hours of working with clients. Clients who I learn from in every session. That effort enables me to be the quiet presence who holds a space for the client to feel all the feelings they are experiencing. The person who is accepting of the raging anger, the tears, the despair and the tragedy.

But why do I do this you might ask?

For me, it is because I get to see a client who is able to move on from the overwhelming grief, the crippling stress, the anxiety or the depression. The client who is able to put the PTSD behind them. These are the clients who achieve a lasting and positive change in their lives. The clients who have found their own way of overcoming the obstacles that were making their life a misery.

I have to be honest, being a counsellor is good for me! It makes me feel valued, worthwhile and a part of as opposed to apart from. In all honesty, the pay is pitiful, inconsistent, and fluctuates wildly. I knew this when I started training as a counsellor and accept it as par for the course. What makes it easy to accept is the fact I look forward to each counselling session. I cherish my clients and revel in the unique experience of each session. I learn and I grow. For me, that is enough to keep me working as a counsellor.

Not every client is at a place in their life where they are ready to change, that is okay! They are not there yet! When a client starts counselling and finishes after 1 or 2 sessions that is alright. Perhaps a seed has been planted and when they are ready, when the pain is enough, they will have experienced something that they can recall as being positive and helpful.

So back to the title – why me?

Well why not you? None of us are so special that life is a bed of roses and untroubled. Some people may appear to have lives that are, but appearances are deceptive. I do not wish painful experiences on any person, nor do I wake up and feel overjoyed that life could throw me a curved ball at any time.

With a lot of work, perseverance and a willingness to learn I am able to look back on past events as learning experiences. 

So can you! Pain passes and when it has passed you will have learned. Learned about life, learned about yourself and learned how to be a stronger and more satisfied person. 
Please don't suffer any longer than you have to before you reach out to a counsellor! You deserve a way of life that is satisfying and positive. Only you can do it and good counselling is way of achieving the life you deserve, the life you want.