Why its helpful to think about why you have sex

We humans spend a lot of their time on autopilot. It is a helpful evolutionary strategy which preserves energy and encourages us into routines where we tend to feel more secure. However, there can be times where the autopilot can hinder and leave us feeling stuck.

There are lots of ways the autopilot can disrupt sex and intimacy: the routine can start to feel boring; it can make it harder to feel interested in sex or get aroused because we’re not experiencing the present moment; we might find ourselves repeating a cycle of behaviour we don’t want any more. These sorts of issues are very common and can seem isolating if it is difficult to talk about sex, but it is possible to move through them.  

What is the why behind sexual behaviour?

Let’s use food as an analogy for a minute. Humans consume food to survive but this isn’t the only reason that we eat. Sometimes we eat to be part of a social occasion, maybe a dinner party with friends. Sometimes we eat out of obligation, that slice of homemade cake proffered by a colleague. Sometimes we eat to soothe our emotions, ice cream on the sofa after a breakup. Sometimes we eat for social status like a hot dog eating contest. Sometimes we eat because something has triggered our desire, the waft of freshly baked bread from the bakery. Sometimes we eat to heal our body, a hot lemon and honey to help a sore throat.

This list could keep going. What or how you choose to eat is going to be influenced by what you are seeking from it – the why behind the behaviour. Likewise, we engage in sex and physical intimacy for lots of different reasons.

What the research says

When academics asked 444 people to list all the reasons people might have sex, they received 237 different answers. These were loosely categorised into four main themes:  

• Physical reasons, things like pleasure, stress reduction, physical attraction and seeking experiences.
• Chasing goals, things like gaining resources, social status, and revenge.
• Emotional expression, sexual behaviours to show love and commitment.
• Insecurities, having sex to boost self-esteem, to guard a partner or out of duty or pressure.

They then asked people to rate which reasons they had experienced in their lives and found that some answers, like pleasure, were much more common than others, like revenge.

Why is it helpful to think about why you have sex?

1. Understanding your needs and wants

Sex takes many forms, if you know what you are seeking it is easier to have the kind of sexual interaction that will meet those needs and wants. Think about how sex might look different if you really want to connect with your partner/s compared to really wanting an orgasm or seeking to de-stress after a long week.

2. Tailoring your experiences to support satisfaction

You are more likely to feel satisfied as you can tailor the activity to your needs. Let’s imagine you have a sex toy which gives you a particular type of orgasmic experience. If you’re really seeking that sensation, it seems likely that a sex toy is probably going to leave you the most satisfied.

3. Improving communication

It makes it easier to communicate what you are seeking to partner/s. If you’re on autopilot and not sure why you’re moving towards sex, how can you communicate that to others?

4. Supporting a shared experience

It can help you to have a shared experience. This is partly about the better communication from point three. It can also be helpful if you and your partner/s are seeking different things from a sexual interaction. When you communicate your why and understand theirs you can find a middle ground where you are all more likely to feel satisfied.  

5. Making sex less intimidating

It can help sex to seem more approachable if you find it difficult to feel desire or interest in sex. No one should feel any pressure to engage in sexual activity and it is okay if you don’t have much interest in sex and are content with that. Sometimes people feel little interest but would like to feel more. In these cases, thinking about the why can be useful as it encourages you to focus on the positive things that might come from sex.

It can also allow us to be more creative, if you want to feel close to a partner but aren’t sure you want sex what would it be like to have naked cuddles?

6. Recognising your motives  

It allows you to check if you’re moving towards sexual experiences or moving away from uncomfortable emotions. Are you choosing sexual activity because you want it or because you want to avoid something else which is unpleasant, like having sex to avoid feeling guilty about turning a partner down? These types of reasons can make it more likely that we will lose interest in sex. Recognising this is the foundation for being able to make meaningful change to your sex life.

7.  Noticing unhelpful behaviours  

It can help you recognise if there are times when you use sex in ways that aren't helpful to you. Let’s think about food again, lots of people eat to help soothe uncomfortable emotions. Often this can result in feelings of guilt or shame which forms into a cycle. A similar thing can happen with sexual behaviours until they feel compulsive or out of your control.

When you understand the why behind the behaviour you will be more likely to recognise your triggers. This means you will be more prepared and capable of choosing to do something different that helps to soothe the emotion and takes you somewhere more comfortable.

8. Identifying other strategies   

It can help you find other strategies if sex is unavailable. Perhaps sex helps you to feel relaxed and let go of the stress? The problem is sometimes your partner/s don’t fancy sex and that’s okay but now what do you do? If you understand the why, you want sex to help relax, you can find other things to help you meet that need. 

How can you reflect on your whys?

Set aside some time to write down a list of all the reasons people might have sex. Think about your own experiences, stories from friends and things you have seen in the media but it’s okay if you can’t come up with 237 different reasons! Be considerate of where you store your list so that you are confident that it will remain private.

Once you have a list look over it and star the ones that resonate most strongly with you. You can do this on your own or with your partner/s. Use this as a discussion prompt or self-reflection prompt to think about how sex might look different for those whys and how you might communicate that to others. Reflecting on why you have sex can help you to understand your sexual self. It can help you to turn off that autopilot and engage with sex in a different way.

Sex can feel like a challenging topic to navigate. Qualified counsellors and therapists should be able to provide you the space to explore these topics. If you’re interested in exploring your own relationship with sex it can be helpful to look for professions with appropriate training.

In the UK people with specialised training in this area are registered with the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists. If you feel like you need someone to talk to, Samaritans is available 24/7 on 116 123.

References

• Metson, C. M., & Buss, D. M. (2007). Why humans have sex. Archives of Sexual Behaviour, 36, 477-507.