Why eye contact shouldn't be expected in therapy

I recently attended an international psychotherapy research conference where a presentation by one researcher grabbed my attention with its refreshing approach and material. I was sitting in the audience, enjoying their talk, when they put up a slide showing an example of the kind of analysis they did. This analysis was about how the client made eye contact (or not). I noticed my enthusiasm took a sudden nose dive: not this topic again – how much longer do we have to talk about eye contact? 

Cultural expectations

Eye contact is a culturally-conditioned social norm, rather than a universal form of nonverbal communication. There are other cultures for whom eye contact is not a priority, and the lack of it wouldn’t be interpreted negatively.

It’s also a common experience for neurodivergent people (those who are autistic, ADHDers, or AuDHDers, for example) to feel uncomfortable in settings where eye contact is required or expected, to feel judged for not looking into the eyes of the person we are dialoguing with. 

Often, the assumption made is that we are not listening or not engaged, whereas the reality is that if we are forced to look at someone, it actually hampers our listening and engagement.

Perhaps you have memories of being told you were not concentrating at school, when in fact allowing your eyes to wander helped you focus on what the teacher was saying. Maybe you experienced an authority figure telling you to "look at me when I'm talking to you"... However, being forced to make eye contact can feel invasive, distracting, overstimulating, awkward…

Perhaps you have found ways around it, for example, by looking at the other person's forehead or to the side of their head, which gives you some comfort from these feelings. Because it seems so much more possible to give the conversation our focus and to be present for the other person when we can allow ourselves to be the way that feels natural to us.

What can I expect in therapy when it comes to eye contact?

Therapy should be a place where you can come as yourself. You can expect your therapist to accept your way of being. We can talk about eye contact if it's a concern, or you can just be as you are and focus on the things that you came to therapy to talk about. If therapy becomes another space that places expectations on you, it will be very hard to explore yourself authentically. 

Therapy can also be a place to look at the relational impact of things like eye contact: what happens inside you when someone tells you to look at them? What frees up when there are no requirements to make eye contact? What is that experience like?

We can bring curiosity to what happens and get to know ourselves better through processes such as this. We can gain self-confidence in knowing that eye contact is not the most important thing in a conversation, and this can open us up to exploring other ways in which we relate to others and the unspoken messages we have internalised.

Gestalt therapy and "contact"

In Gestalt therapy, we prioritise and believe our client’s lived experience. A focus on the “here and now” means that we get to explore this lived experience in real time. Gestalt therapists are trained to remain open to and accepting of how our clients move through the world without seeking to change them or expecting them to adjust to meet us.

When we talk about making contact with people, Gestalt therapists are referring to how we meet with the other person. Eye contact is not necessary for an authentic encounter.

Safety and support in therapy

Coming to therapy can in itself feel challenging; it often feels like a big step to take. I see my job as a therapist to create as much safety and support as possible to help my clients step into this challenging process. Feeling comfortable and able to be yourself can be a way to regulate your nervous system, allowing enough safety to bring the personal and vulnerable things you want to address in therapy. Therapy is a space for genuine meeting, whatever form it takes.

Eye contact is just one very small part of being in relationship with others, and there’s no one “right way” when it comes to being together. If eye contact or another part of being in therapy feels uncomfortable to you, it’s ok to tell your therapist this. You don’t need to mask or push through.

Talking about what makes you feel uncomfortable can become another opportunity to be understood more deeply, and may also help you to explore how you can step into more agency and choice in your relationships.