Why do I feel lonely even when I have people around me?

Have you ever sat in a room full of people and still felt completely alone? When did loneliness first appear in your life? What did it feel like? Was it a heart-wrenching pain, a feeling of emptiness, or perhaps something you couldn’t quite put into words?

Loneliness isn’t simply about not having people in your life. You can have family around you, friends you regularly see, and people you work with, and still feel as though there is a big black hole inside you. Loneliness touches many of us at different times in our lives, but everyone’s experience of it is different. Sometimes it isn’t more people that we need. It’s connection.

You might find yourself wondering why you feel lonely when, from the outside, it looks as though you shouldn’t be. Perhaps you don’t feel able to tell anyone how you really feel. Would they understand? Would they think I’m seeking attention? Would they tell me I have nothing to feel lonely about? So instead, you carry it quietly. 

You may be surrounded by people every day, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you feel connected to them. Perhaps you don’t feel able to show people how you’re really feeling. Maybe everyone sees the person who is coping, while underneath there is a very different story.

When you’re the strong one

Have you ever been told, “Be strong”? Have you always been the one others rely on? The strong one, the person who copes, the person who is there when everyone else needs support? But did being the strong one ever start to feel exhausting?

Maybe you noticed yourself withdrawing. You started cancelling meet-ups, stopped messaging friends or slowly isolated yourself from the people around you. Perhaps you found other ways to cope, such as using alcohol to distract yourself from difficult feelings or thoughts. But underneath all of that, was there still a part of you longing for connection?

Sometimes the more we withdraw, the harder it can feel to reach out again. We might want someone to notice that we’re struggling while, at the same time, doing everything we can to hide it.

When loneliness turns against you

After feeling lonely for a long time, you might start to blame yourself. You begin to wonder if there is something wrong with you. You might feel ashamed for not feeling the way you think you should feel, or ashamed of the ways you’ve tried to cope.

Then guilt turns up. It might tell you that you’re a bad friend, a bad partner, a bad brother or sister. All these thoughts running through your head can leave you feeling even further away from the people around you. But perhaps you don’t have to stay there.

Finding connection again

Counselling isn’t about someone telling you that you shouldn’t feel lonely or giving you a list of things you need to change. It’s about creating a space where you can begin to talk about what is happening for you without feeling that you have to pretend you’re OK.

We can be curious about your loneliness together. When did it begin? What was happening in your life at the time? What does loneliness feel like for you? What might be missing from the relationships around you? Do you feel heard? Do you feel seen? And when was the last time you felt genuinely connected to someone?

There doesn’t always have to be an immediate answer. Sometimes being able to speak openly about something you’ve carried quietly for a long time can be the beginning of understanding it differently.

Taking the first step

Let’s explore your loneliness. Let’s understand what it means for you and, slowly, find a way for you to feel connected again. You don’t need to arrive knowing exactly what to say. We can start wherever you are. Your feelings are real. Your feelings are your experience of life’s moments. Your feelings matter. You matter.