Why am I still struggling?

We often know what grief “should” look like: A funeral, tears, time off work, maybe a card in the post.

But what about the grief no one sees? The losses you carry silently because life didn’t stop to make space for them?

• A miscarriage, quietly endured.
• A toxic job you finally left, but not without cost.
• A parent still living, but lost to dementia.
• A best friend who drifted away.
• The future you imagined - now out of reach.

These are real losses. But because they go unacknowledged, they often get stored inside. And that’s where the hidden trauma begins.

Suppressed grief doesn’t go away - it goes inward

Grief is not just emotional. It'sbiological. When you experience a significant loss - whether or not you consciously label it “grief” - your body responds. Stress hormones rise, your immune system shifts, and your nervous system becomes dysregulated.

You might not be able to cry, but your body might still be speaking:

• Chronic tension in your shoulders or jaw.
• Shallow breathing or a racing heart.
• Difficulty sleeping, even when you’re exhausted.
• Digestive issues, headaches, or persistent fatigue.
• Feeling emotionally numb, foggy, or “not yourself”.

One client described it like this: "I’m functioning, technically. But I feel like I’m walking through water all day. Everything is heavy." This is what unacknowledged grief does. It weighs down your system.

What we don’t mourn, we carry

In her book The Grieving Brain, neuroscientist Mary-Frances O’Connor explains that grief is deeply connected to our attachment systems. When we lose someone or something important, our brain doesn’t immediately understand that the connection is broken. It keeps looking for them - emotionally and neurologically. That’s why grief can be so disorienting. Especially when others don’t recognise it.

If no one around you sees your loss, you might start to wonder:

• Why can’t I just move on?
• Is something wrong with me?
• Why does this still hurt so much?

The answer often isn’t that you’re stuck. It’s that you were never given space to begin.

The dual process of healing (and why “moving on” is a myth)

Many people come to therapy feeling like they’ve failed at grief. They think they should be over it by now. They want a timeline. A roadmap. A finish line. But grief doesn’t work like that.

Researchers Stroebe and Schut developed a helpful model called the Dual Process Model of Grief. It shows us that healing involves moving between two types of experience:

1. Loss-oriented grief

Moments where you confront the pain head-on: remembering, crying, feeling the absence.

2. Restoration-oriented healing

Moments of adjusting: creating new routines, rediscovering joy, reconnecting with life. You might move between these two daily. Sometimes hourly. Neither means you’re doing it wrong. Both are part of the process.

Client example: “I didn’t think it counted as grief”

A woman came to therapy after moving to a new location for her partner’s job. On the surface, life was “fine.” But she couldn’t shake the low-level sadness. She missed her community, her career, and the feeling of being at home in her life.

She almost didn’t come to therapy - she felt guilty. “People have real problems,” she said.

But this was real. She was grieving a life she’d built and loved. And once we began exploring it, something shifted. She stopped blaming herself. She named her loss. She began creating space for connection and joy again.

This is restoration.

What restoration actually looks like

Grief doesn’t always need grand gestures. Often, it asks for smaller, quieter things:

• Sitting in nature, letting the stillness hold you.
• Saying “no” to something that drains you.
• Journaling what you can’t yet say out loud.
• Making space for laughter without guilt.
• Seeking support - even when you think you should be “fine”.

You don’t have to “fix” your grief. You only have to tend to it.

How therapy supports grieving (and rebuilding)

Therapy offers what society often doesn’t: Asafe, non-judgmental space where your grief is allowed to exist.

It’s not about “solving” your pain. It’s about being witnessed in it. It’s about making meaning and when you're ready, it’s aboutchoosing the first small step forward.

Therapy can help you:

• recognise the signs of hidden grief
• understand how loss affects your body and mind
• release guilt, anger, or numbness
• rebuild your identity and routines
• move forward without feeling like you’ve “left something behind”

You don’t need a diagnosis to seek support. You don’t need to explain why you’re struggling.You just need permission to begin.

Your grief is valid. Your healing matters. You might be carrying grief you didn’t realise was there. You might feel like you’re “overreacting,” when in truth, you’re just under-supported. Please know:

• Grief does not mean you’re broken.
• Suppressed sadness doesn’t mean you’re weak.
• Healing doesn’t mean forgetting.

It means learning to holdboth loss and life - gently, in the same hand.

If you’re ready to begin that journey, I’m here.