When we are going through tough times...

Let's face it, we all go through times when life is less than satisfactory, less than ideal, not how we want it to be, not as good as it has been.

Who has not faced times full of despair, disappointment, stress and anxiety (about the past or the future)?

Those are the times when we might feel we are never going to be good enough, have never been good enough, are of no worth, are despised and disliked by everyone and they are right to feel that way.

At times like this, when our feelings are all negative and full of self-loathing, it is very difficult to remember better times. More positive times, times when life had colour and appeal. When all we wanted to do was be immersed in the sheer joy of our lives.

When we feel this way, as I believe we all do, what have we done to change this? I believe we all feel this way, to some degree, at some point in our life. Sometimes it may be because of external, and valid, events i/e a toxic exchange with a co-worker, a squabble with our partner, being falsely accused, or having those accusations believed but what did we do to change them?

Sometimes our feeling down, negative and worthless is not caused by external events though. To a counsellor, this is particularly interesting. It is the type of issue that this counsellor is often confronted with when with clients. 

When I hear these types of issues I often try to explore where these thoughts and feelings come from. In my world, I call it the “internal critic”. Carl Rogers stated that all internal voices are external before they become internal.

I try to explore what gave those feelings such as valency and potency. If a client is able to open up and reveal the nature of these feelings, I am no longer surprised when the client is able to become aware of the origins of these feelings. Quite often the causes have been buried. Buried beneath layers of denial, survival techniques and “just getting on with it” behaviour. They find a way into our subconscious. Our reality. A reality that we have but might not necessarily be aware of. Carl Jung described the subconscious as something we have to bring into the conscious, otherwise we will be ruled by it and call it fate. 

So, as nice as the idea of creating a perfect past might be, it is just an idea. Just as when we grew up with statements such as “you will never amount to much” or “don't worry I will do it” or the understanding that we are only worthy of attention/affection if we please/satisfy others, they were external voices. Voices we took into ourselves and subsequently behaved in ways that accepted them as reality. With counselling, when we provide a safe supportive space for clients to recognise and challenge these scripts, the internal critic we open up the potential for change. Yes, the events were real and yes the way we coped with them was good enough. We had to do what we had to do in order to survive.

But if we are not to be governed by those previous ways of being that no longer serve us as well as they did, counselling gives us a place where these events and feelings can be recognised and challenged. By providing a warm and empathic space where there is no judgement but instead acceptance we can facilitate change. We cannot change the client but we can offer a space where the vulnerability caused by looking at these issues and feelings can be safely examined. When they are examined and considered we are then able to explore ways to change them, should the client want to do so.

This experience is often exhaustive for the client, it takes a lot of willingness and hard work to look at those feelings. It is not unusual to hear clients speak of feeling exhausted after sessions. This is the work that pays off though. This is the client doing what is necessary to experience change. To make things different. To feel better.

Life is not a many splendored thing, more a series of small disappointments. (A, Schopenhauer) That does not mean it is always a negative thing though. Although Schopenhauer was somewhat pessimistic in his outlook, he undoubtedly experienced times of joy and happiness, contentment even. I bring him in to illustrate the point that life will always have ups and downs. Importantly, we, as individuals can set the degree to which we experience the ups and downs. We cannot always do it by ourselves but we can do it. We can set the dials and control the “volume” of the way the good things and the bad things affect us.

Do we always succeed, always get it right - I think not. When we are able and willing to look at how we might change the way we feel we have already achieved a lot. We have given ourselves the opportunity to change. Change in a way that is right for us.

In summary, we will all have good and bad times. We can either deny or accept them. When we are able to accept them we are able to begin to change them. The role a counsellor plays in this process is, I believe, a testament to the fact that often we cannot do it on our own. That does not mean we should not do it though.

When we are going through tough times, keep going. Just as surely as the good times waned so will the bad times. It is up to us to choose how we deal with them. We are all able to do things that change our feelings. A skilful counsellor is able to help you achieve this.