When the door closes: The unique trauma of parental disownment

Family estrangement is becoming increasingly written about, and the idea of adults choosing to initiate ‘no contact’ with their parents seems to be becoming de-stigmatised, rather than necessarily becoming more common. But what happens when the roles are reversed? When a parent chooses to sever ties with their adult child, this can create a unique kind of pain, trauma and confusion – a parental disregard – which is not often discussed.

What is parental disownment?

Parental disownment or dismissal is comparatively rare – research suggests that 5% of parents who are estranged from their grown offspring have initiated it themselves. In many cases, there may have been a difficult relationship for a long time, which can no longer be tolerated, political or ideological differences, or even a history of abuse. In some cases, it can be down to cultural or familial expectations not being met, a dislike of the adult child’s partner or a disagreement about lifestyle or career choices.

It is important to draw a distinction between parents who are cutting ties in order to protect themselves and parents who are motivated by control. This desire to control may be rooted in narcissism, where the parent sees their child – regardless of their age - as an extension of themselves. When the individual tries to differentiate by expressing their own values and preferences, the parent perceives this as a betrayal and discards them.

The emotional impact of being rejected by a parent

Parental disownment can be a taboo subject, and for the individuals navigating this, it can lead to feelings of shame, abandonment and confusion. Many people are raised to expect unconditional love from their parents, which includes acceptance, support, patience and forgiveness. Even as adults, they expect their parents to be the bigger person during a conflict.

One client* that I worked with was a woman who, at the age of 38, was disowned by her father. Their relationship had always been somewhat difficult, and they had very different values and political views. As a child, she was often criticised by her father, but as an adult, she began to push back on this, and arguments became more frequent. After one such argument, her father emailed her saying that he couldn’t stand to be around her anymore, and that he had removed her from his will and never wanted to see her again.

She did not respond to his email. A year later, after a particularly challenging life event, she contacted her father to notify him, and did not receive a response. The whole situation was very painful for her, and left her with many unanswered questions, a lack of self-esteem and damage to her sense of self.

Living with grief and unresolved loss

Situations like this are not common but are extremely painful. The fact that they are not common is one of the reasons that they are so painful. There are very few resources available. People who experience this kind of treatment may feel a great deal of shame and social stigma, which may prevent them from reaching out to friends and family for support.

Being cut off financially can also be very problematic, particularly if they have been leaning on their parent for financial support. This can lead to the disowned adult feeling incredibly lonely and afraid. They may experience self-esteem issues, and may begin asking themselves what is wrong with them if their own parent dislikes them. They may lose other friends and family who are associated with the absent parent.

The loss of a parent who is alive creates a kind of ‘living grief’, making any closure impossible to achieve. If the parent dies, their disowned child may experience complex grief or not know how to grieve.

Healing and rebuilding after parental rejection

Recovery from this unique trauma involves a gradual rebuilding of the sense of self and self-esteem. In the absence of a parent, the adult child will need to begin to parent themselves. This can include inner child work – acting as one’s own parent, to nurture oneself, meet unmet needs and show compassion for oneself. It can sometimes include connecting with the inner child via visualisation, sand tray or dreamwork.

They may feel that they need to begin to rebuild themselves from the ground up – learning to set boundaries and overcome difficult life events without the support of their parent. It is recommended that this kind of deep work be undertaken with the support of a therapist or counsellor. The therapeutic relationship can be incredibly healing, with the therapist taking on the role of a parent figure – providing a consistent, boundaried and accepting space that counters the rejection of the past.

*case study details have been changed to protect anonymity.