When eating feels complicated: a psychological perspective

Our relationship with food is often taken for granted or spoken about as though it were simply about willpower or making the 'right' choices, such as eating less or exercising more. Yet for many people, food and eating are far more complex and about much more than nutrition. They can be connected with comfort, family life, identity, routine, sensory experience, belonging and loss.

When eating begins to feel difficult, the question is rarely only “What should I eat?” It may also be curiosity about “What is happening for me?”

Food and eating can be a pleasure as well as a practical necessity. We cannot survive without nourishment. It can also become a place where worries, stress and relationships are experienced. This is not a reason to be critical of ourselves for how we eat.  Instead, it offers a way of taking our experience seriously and looking at it with care.

The meanings we learn around food

Our earliest experiences of being fed, nourished, cared for and included can shape the associations we carry into adult life. Family meals may have been relaxed and connecting, tense and unpredictable, highly controlled, celebratory, or absent. We may have learned rules about finishing everything on the plate, being grateful for food, avoiding certain foods, or associated fond or difficult memories with meal times. We may also have observed people around us struggling with their own relationship with eating or body concerns.

Our earliest experiences are interesting because they can help explain why a meal, a particular food, or a comment about appearance may carry far more impact and emotional significance for us. Kathy Leach’s idea of a food script (Leach, 2006) is helpful here: our current patterns can be understood in the context of personal history, relationships, body experience and the repeated relational patterns that have developed over time.

Eating can meet more than one need

Physical hunger matters. Our bodies need regular nourishment. But food may also be associated with soothing, reward, company, celebration or a distraction in a demanding day. Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, wrote about psychological hungers alongside other needs, including the need for strokes, recognition and connection (Berne, 1961). This can be a useful lens when we notice that food can have many different meanings for us.

At challenging times, some people find that eating becomes hurried, irregular or overlooked. Others may find themselves drawn to food for comfort, or unable to feel settled around it. These experiences are worth becoming curious about, especially when they bring us distress or begin to interfere with our daily life.

The wider world has a voice too

We do not form our relationship with food and eating in isolation. Messages about shape, body size, health, attractiveness and healthy or unhealthy foods are everywhere. They can invite comparison, prejudice, shame and the belief that a body must be earned, corrected or judged. People may also feel watched or exposed when they eat with others or feel that their choices will be interpreted as saying something about them.

Many factors influence how we think about food, bodies and eating. Different cultural lenses bring different perspectives on the functions and social contexts of food.  Food is expensive, and income influences what food is available and accessible.

One such aspect for consideration is neurodivergence, and how this influences the relationship with food and eating; for some autistic people and others, texture, smell, temperature, predictability and the arrangement of food can have a profound effect on whether eating feels manageable. A compassionate understanding makes room for these differences rather than assuming there is one normal way to eat.

Starting with curiosity

Curiosity is a useful place to start when reflecting on eating patterns. It can be You might ask yourself:

• When does eating feel easiest, and when does it feel most fraught?
• What tends to be happening emotionally, socially or practically at those times?
• Are there foods, places or situations that bring a strong feeling or memory?
• What messages have I absorbed about my body, appetite or what I deserve?
• What would a kinder response to myself look like today?

The aim is to understand the meaning food has acquired in your own life. Patterns that once helped us cope can become restrictive or painful later on; seeing them clearly can be the beginning of change.

When it may help to talk

If concerns about food, eating or body image are persistent, upsetting, or are affecting work, relationships or wellbeing, it can be valuable to seek appropriate professional support. Therapy can offer time to explore the experiences, feelings and relational patterns involved and can help. 

Food and eating are essential to us, but our relationship with it is deeply personal. Approaching that relationship with respect and curiosity can open up a more humane understanding of both eating and ourselves.

References

Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press.

Leach, K. (2006). The Overweight Patient: A Psychological Approach to Understanding and Working with Obesity. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.