When caring ends – a unique grief

All grief is unique, but for those who have dedicated themselves to caring for another person, whether a family member, partner, or in a professional capacity, the experience of loss can often have added complications. Whilst it’s hard to cover all of them in a short article, we're going to explore some of the common challenges that carers face when caring ends.

What challenges can occur when caring ends? 

1. Loss of purpose

This can be one of the biggest adjustments to life after their loved one has died. Of course, the experience can vary depending on how long and how intensely they had been caring for them, but it is something many bereaved carers face at some point.

Often, a large percentage of their time has been spent either physically caring for that person, planning ahead for all eventualities, advocating for them to get the correct levels of support or thinking about them, often even in any downtime they may have. When that person dies, carers can find themselves feeling lost, with sudden stretches of empty time and no reason to get up in the morning, they have lost their main purpose and routine in life, and now need to find a new one.

2. Loss of identity

When there’s little time for anything outside of caring for their person, it’s common that other aspects of the carer’s life fall by the wayside, such as relationships, routines and hobbies, until they find that being a carer is central to their identity. However, when their cared-for person dies, and they are no longer a carer, they are left with the big question – “Who am I now?”.

3. Loneliness

There’s often a sense of loneliness that comes with caring – if someone is caring full time, it can be hard to maintain an active social life, and existing relationships may fall away both due to limited free time and the exhaustion that comes with being ‘on call’ 24/7.

It’s common that many of the carers’ friendships can be formed with other carers through support groups that they attend, so when they no longer fit the criteria to attend, that social life can drop away, particularly when their friends continue to be busy caring.

Even if an active social life is maintained, loneliness is something many bereaved people experience. They can be surrounded by well-meaning people, but there is a loneliness that comes with feeling like others don’t understand their situation, or craving the company of that one person who is no longer here.

4. Guilt

Guilt is a common experience of any type of loss, it’s natural for those closest affected to wonder whether they could have done more to prevent the death, or to blame themselves in some way. But when the bereaved is responsible for the well-being of the person that’s died in the form of caring, it can take on a whole new level. It can make the carer feel like they’ve failed their cared for person in some way, they may feel guilty for feeling a sense of relief that their person is not suffering any more, or even for beginning to grieve whilst the person was still alive, as grief can start as early as the point of diagnosis.

It's important to remember that guilt in grief doesn’t have to be rational to feel real, so they can know they gave as much as they possibly could whilst caring, and still feel guilty they didn’t do “more”.

5. Feeling overwhelmed by the outside world

If the caring has been quite intense, and the carer has not spent much time out of the house, not being able to leave the cared for person, when they do try and integrate back into society after the loss, it can feel overwhelmingly loud, busy and fast paced, quite the challenge to adjust to.

6. Financial implications

If caring for the person full time, and in receipt of a carer-related benefit, the bereaved may find that they need to find a job very shortly after the loss, adding additional layers of stress and upheaval at a time when they feel like they need space to adjust before any more change.

7. When caring is their job

For professional carers, the impact of their cared-for person dying can be overlooked, with people putting it down to it “just being a job” and underestimating how much they truly care for that person. This can lead to their grief being disenfranchised, making it feel even lonelier, or that they are not coping as well as they “should” be.

8. Time to process trauma

There can be a lot of trauma involved with caring, which they may often not get a chance to process whilst still caring for the person. So after a death, when they find themselves with an abundance of time and few distractions, carers can be haunted by difficult memories from their person’s illness, on top of processing the trauma of them dying.

How counselling can help carers navigate grief 

There are so many added aspects to a carer’s grief that make it a truly unique type of loss. Carers often find themselves having to rebuild their entire identity and routine, all whilst navigating complex emotions surrounding the death.

It can feel difficult to know where to start sometimes, which is why many find it helpful to talk their circumstances through with a counsellor, who has enough emotional distance to see their situation a little more clearly, and who will allow them to voice some of the more difficult emotions without feeling judged.

Whether you are a bereaved carer yourself or know someone who is, I hope this article helps to validate and bring clarity to at least some of what may be experienced, and to reassure you that help is out there should you need it.