When being capable doesn't make you feel confident

If we take confidence to mean a belief in your ability to get something done, it would make sense to assume that if you know you can do certain things, you should be confident about doing them.

Taken on a more general level, this would also work as a definition, because confidence often implies a sense of being able to do things, to function well both practically and socially, and to feel good about your prospects of doing them.

So why would a competent manager suddenly become terrified when a grumpy neighbour starts gossiping behind her back? Or a skilled negotiator experience panic attacks when facing retirement? Or a loving mother shrink into silence at a partner’s bad mood? Or a first-class student doubt his entire life direction?

It’s moments like these that can cause a person to question what they know about themselves. If you’ve ever experienced yourself reacting to a situation in a way that doesn’t match what you know about yourself, you’ll know that felt sense of disorientation and disbelief, and possibly the crumpling weight of doubt that follows.

Capacity is based on skills – confidence is a belief

The thing is, capacity is measurable. It’s based on skills. Of course, our circumstances, health, opportunities and access to resources can place very real limits on what is possible. But skills themselves can usually be learned, developed, enhanced and refined.

Confidence, though, is a belief. It’s an attitude and opinion of who we are. It’s about identity. You can know many things and believe you’re not able to follow through, or know little and believe you can do much more than is realistic. It’s not objectively measurable in the way skills are. But this doesn’t mean it’s purely subjective either.

In fact, for many of us the source of confidence comes from outside, from other people. In our earlier years this may mean parents, extended family, teachers, or friends. And given this is when our identity is formed, much of the confidence, or lack of it, that is instilled during our younger years can become a surprisingly persistent baseline.

A high-achieving young man who was belittled by his family may hold the view of his worthlessness despite excellent grades and a successful start to his career. It’s often as he starts to want to make his own way that he’ll experience confidence blocks in networking, public speaking, or sales, for example. Or an empathetic and considerate professional woman finds herself let down by multiple friends, only realising later that her family taught her to accept terrible treatment as standard and the people she counted as friends had taken advantage of her lack of boundaries.

For some individuals, the behaviours that make them look highly capable developed partly because they didn't feel confident. For example, someone may become exceptionally prepared because they don't trust themselves to cope spontaneously. They may take qualification after qualification, never quite trusting their readiness to take the next step. For them, external evidence never quite becomes internal conviction. Others may become extraordinarily conscientious because making a mistake feels emotionally dangerous.

When confidence is a question of worth

What’s most striking, though, is how confidence is often a measure of how much worth a person considers they have. Sometimes what looks like a confidence problem is actually a question of worth.

“I don't think I can” can sometimes mean:

• "I don't trust my judgement."
• "I'm frightened of being wrong." 
• "I don't believe I deserve the opportunity." 
• "I expect rejection." 
• "I don't believe other people will take me seriously."
• "I can do it, but I don't feel entitled to take up that position."

This can be particularly relevant for some neurodivergent people. While someone can be objectively very capable, years of receiving subtle messages that the way they think, communicate, organise themselves, or respond emotionally is somehow 'wrong' can leave them thinking: "I know I can do difficult things, but I don't reliably trust myself."

What feels like an obstacle in your life?

We probably all know someone who needs one more training course before applying for the promotion they're already capable of doing. Or the friend who always sabotages their relationships, thinking the other person will judge or reject them. Or someone whose kindness veers more into people pleasing, with a fear of what it means if they aren’t giving.

Maybe this person is you? To get a sense of where this might be the case in your life, consider the following questions.

• What currently feels like an obstacle in your life? 
• What do you need to do to resolve this?
• What skills do you have to support this resolution?
• What are your emotions around taking these steps to resolve the problem?

If fear, resistance or doubt feels disproportionate to your actual capacity, you may have found a mismatch between what you're capable of and what you believe about yourself.

In which case, I want to ask what you learned growing up about your ability to deal with life? Who encouraged you to trust yourself, and whose contributions undermined that trust? Because if you can get a sense of where the influence came from, it becomes possible to start challenging the underlying belief.

But this is only one part of the puzzle. Counselling isn’t just about unearthing what went wrong in the past. It’s also about creating an idea for the kind of life you want to create. One that works for you, supporting and uplifting you as you are. 

The kind of person you want to be

When we talk about confidence as identity, it can be helpful to get really curious about the kind of person you want to be when your decisions are no longer made by those previous limitations. Getting to the core of this is often about asking what values you have, who is important to you, and what makes you relaxed and truly happy.

The next step is to notice all the moments in your life now that you already uphold these things. Where are you already being the kind of person you want to be? It’s easy to continue the work of critical others with our own negative self-view, but actively looking for evidence you are that person already is crucial.

Of course, this is easier said than done, and one advantage of counselling is that it creates a safe environment where your strengths are recognised and revealed to you, while your vulnerabilities are understood and protected. It is a relationship that lets you question, refute, or replace those old critical opinions and start trusting yourself enough to live according to your own values, capacities, and judgement.