What shame might teach us: a sexual trauma perspective

It might seem a little unfathomable to think that the same thoughts that tell you how bad you are are the same thoughts that strive to make you feel safe. Shame and sexual trauma commonly come hand in hand. This might sound strange, but what if shame was actually our friend?

What is shame?

Shame is a neurobiological mechanism ingrained in our nervous system. If you have a nervous system, you have the capacity for shame. This mechanism is purposed to act as a brake on behaviours that we may perceive as leading to rejection. Shame holds us back from doing things that might expel us from our relationships with others for a good reason. Evolutionarily, we relied heavily on our group for survival as cavemen, which means that if we behaved in a way that risked our belonging within the group, we quite literally risked our lives, so it makes sense as to why shame has such a hold on us.

Shame is the cousin of guilt. Shame tells you that "you are bad", whilst guilt says "you have done something bad", both of which are really sticky feelings and beliefs to hold. Shame is sticky in the sense that you can't walk through life without genuinely believing that you are inherently flawed, and that can be a real problem.

Survivors often experience a really niche set of shame-related thoughts. After all, survivors have lived through some uniquely difficult events, such as the justice system, sexual assault referral centres for evidence collection and, of course, the event(s) themselves.

Listening to your shame 'gremlins'

It can be quite handy to visualise shame by imagining that we have shame 'gremlins' in our heads who are responsible for constantly feeding us self-critical thoughts.

After working with many survivors of abuse, it isn't uncommon for clients to tell me "I am not enough to get justice", "I am not allowed to be treated nicely" or "I am worthless". Of course, this isn't an exhaustive list, but these are common examples of some of the things that those shame gremlins might tell you.

Take a moment to think about what your shame gremlins might look like. If you could put your gremlins in front of you, what do you think you might want to say to them?

The urge to act

Act, and act quickly. This is exactly what your nervous system wants to do when those shame gremlins speak. It needs action. Everything in your entire neurobiology becomes geared towards keeping you safe from feeling rejected.

We tend to respond in one of three ways to the shame gremlins:

Moving away (flight response)

E.g. “I can’t think about X because it hurts too much” or "If I stay away, I won't have to be reminded of it." We want to hide from things or others, which means that we isolate ourselves.

Moving towards (freeze/fawn)

E.g. “I will be whoever I need to be in order to be accepted again”, or “It was all my fault”. This is really common for survivors of childhood sexual harm. In childhood, this might look like “being the goodie two-shoes” or just accepting that the abuse is their fault or that “it was done with love and care”. As adults, this can look like self-sacrifice. We might swallow our real feelings and take responsibility for everything.

Moving against (fight)

We might go into a state of shame-rage and take it out on others, or we might take it out on ourselves through self-sabotage or self-harm. Sometimes, directing that anger towards ourselves can feel safer than expressing it towards the person who harmed us, particularly if doing so once carried the risk of further harm. 

The nervous system doesn't care about how you avoid feeling rejected, as long as it is done.

Meeting your shame 'gremlin'

Shame engineers smallness into your life; it forces you to operate from a prison cell that keeps you trapped in the pursuit of feeling safe. I want you to think about this for a moment: although the words that come out of the shame gremlin's mouth hurt, if they are trying to protect you from rejection, what if the gremlins are trying to be our friend?

What if all this time, the gremlins have been telling you messages that push you closer towards safety by getting you to be someone you aren't (or do things you don't want to do) in order to feel accepted?

The shame gremlins might repeat things that you've been told by a perpetrator, because if your nervous system can keep you feeling small, you are less likely to be hurt again. Your shame gremlins have worked overtime to keep you safe.

What did you find yourself wanting to say to the gremlins? It is completely understandable if you wanted to be rude to them; their whole lifespan has consisted of them telling you some pretty harsh things. But what if we flipped this on its head, and offered them compassion? After all, they have been working hard to try to keep you safe.

What would it be like to say something like "thank you for trying to keep me safe from feeling rejected, but right now you are only holding me back, and I want to try this without your voice for now"? This part of you that keeps you safe deserves compassion.

What would it be like to genuinely believe that you are good enough? What would it be like to not feel your life is dictated by your shame gremlins? What if therapy is your next best step?

Therapy can help you build healthier and happier beliefs about yourself, the world and others following sexual abuse. You can start to experience a life that feels fulfilling, that removes the cloud of trauma in your life, even if that doesn't feel possible right now.