What a watermelon can teach you about miscommunication

I like to use stories that convey meaning, especially from real life. One such story presented itself to me after a shopping trip. I was doing a grocery shop and noticed watermelons on offer, so I bought one. I placed the bag in the footwell, and the watermelon had pride of place next to me on the passenger seat.

On the journey home, I was distracted by the seat belt warning system, which flashed and beeped, it was reminding my nonexistent human passenger to put on their seat belt. I guessed the mechanism must have a pressure sensor under the seat fabric, which is turned on when there is enough weight. It is not surprising that a seat belt monitor car does not make a distinction between things and people. Our brains are a lot more complex than a car's warning system, but we are still prone to making misinterpretations. 

Our quick and efficient brains are not always accurate

So what does this tell us? The car receives data or information and makes a decision, which, in a more complicated way, is something we all do every day and many times. We have a lot more data than a pressure sensor to contend with. We have information coming in through our eyes, ears, touch, smell and taste, and it all needs to make sense.

Our brains change the incoming data into electrical and chemical signals, which are the biological substance of our thoughts. That is a lot of data for our brains to deal with. Although human brains are impressive, we have limited capacity and energy, so savings must be made somewhere. One way that happens is by processing information quickly, efficiently and by sorting things into categories (for example, if someone shouts, this means they are dangerous). This can lead to mistakes – we are not always as right as we think we are.

Data processing and emotional well-being

It is possible that sometimes we can misinterpret the situation or come to the wrong conclusion. Misunderstandings can have a detrimental effect on our quality of life. If we perceive danger when it's not there, we may become anxious. If we perceive a threat or loss, we may become sad or angry. These emotions will often be influenced by thoughts that support the unhelpful emotions and create a cycle where emotions influence thoughts and thoughts influence emotions.

For example, you may have had a conversation with someone which left you feeling upset. The sources of data may have come from sight and sound. Just say that person said something you disagreed with in a certain tone of voice, and they had an expression on their face. All that raw data means nothing until we give meaning to it. Our brain does that for us; the face may become a smug face, and the tone of voice becomes a dismissive tone. We add our negative thoughts to this (e.g. he is insulting me) and the thought emotion cycle begins.

Other factors may be going on. You might be stressed after a hard day, or you may have a history of disagreements with your now adversary. All this additional information helps to shape the perception. How can we break the cycle? CBT offers us a solution.

A different view: CBT at work

Our brains are very efficient in processing a lot of data and coming to conclusions quickly, sometimes at the cost of balanced understanding. My car did not have a lot of choices, only one kind of data, and only one response was available. However, we are different; we can interpret the data we take in in many different ways. Our antagonist may be having a hard day or think that what is going on is just a lively exchange of views. At the end of the day, there are countless ways we can interpret events. Some may be nearer the truth, others further away.

In CBT therapy, we often talk about cognitive biases. One such bias is called black and white thinking. Much of the time, things are not black and white; the truth lies somewhere in the middle, perhaps in the grey. Just being open to different interpretations or views may open up a lot more positive realities. Where there were misunderstandings, you get agreement; where there were bad feelings, you get improved relationships. Even when we are treated unfairly, we can choose to take a more advantageous understanding of the situation.

How a CBT therapist can help

CBT therapist are specially trained to help their clients identify distorted and unhelpful thoughts, and to use the power of reason to dispute the validity of these thoughts and misinterpretations. Once it is established that the thoughts are no longer a true reflection of what is going on, suitable alternative thoughts can be suggested. This more pragmatic way of thinking can help to facilitate better emotional health.

It is unlikely that watermelons being mistaken for people will come up in therapy (unless it is used as a story to make a point). For all other misunderstandings, biases and unrealistic negative thoughts, CBT tools taught by the therapist can be very helpful in managing emotional and psychological issues during therapy and for years after.