We are wounded in relationship and can be healed in relationship

Do you believe your partner doesn’t love you as much as you love them? Do you feel suffocated by your partner? Do difficult and unhealthy patterns of behaviour keep happening between you and your partner? Do you perceive your relationship has changed and are questioning whether to stay in it? 

Any of the above is confusing and painful. From my experience, within most couples, there is the capacity to experience any of the above at some stage during their relationship. This is without both partners having a sufficient extent of self-awareness (including what may make them not the easiest person in the world to be in a relationship with), and a willingness to mentalise (to understand their partner’s internal processes/ ‘insides’, and how their behaviours/‘outsides’ are presenting to their partner). 

Further, this capacity is contributed by a lack of understanding about each person’s attachment adaptation and how these interact within the couplehood, what each of their ‘legacy’ issues are (previous wounds including from childhood) and when triggered, how this play out as their negative interactional ‘dance’ and unhealthy cycles, as well as, limited capacity to tolerate distress. 

This is where couples counselling is helpful as it can promote an understanding about any or all of the above, as needed.

How can couples counselling help?

In short, couples counselling can enable a couple to perceive their presenting problem(s) in a more contextualised way. Alexander Milov's 2015 “Love” sculpture encapsulates the potential of couples counselling in terms of it demonstrating two adults at odds with one another with their backs turned, and the possibility for each to see the hurt and vulnerable Inner Child part of their partner. In the words of renowned relationship therapist, Esther Perel, behind every criticism is an archaic longing. 

This relates to the impacts of our earliest attachment experiences with our primary caregivers including the misattunements and unmet needs, serving as an unconscious ‘template’ of our expectations of self and the other in relationships. Arguably this template is brought to the foreground within our partner relationship, resulting in the most acting out of our unfulfilled needs and fears. 

For illustrative purposes, the negative interactional cycle of a fictional and yet relatable couple, will be outlined. Both partners are experiencing being discounted by the other; for person one this triggers their past hurt from childhood experiences of feeling unimportant and unloved by their primary caregiver, and for person two this re-activates their legacy issue of not feeling ‘good enough’ for their father. 

This results in both experiencing shame; whereby person one tends to defend against their shame by verbally ‘attacking’ their partner, with the hope of demonstrating how hurt they are and seeking for their partner to come towards them to offer reassurance and comfort. Conversely, person two tends to defend against their shame by withdrawing. Therefore, a pursuer-withdrawal cycle plays out between the couple; leaving person one feeling abandoned, person two suffocated, and both feeling frustrated and resentful. 

Couples counselling would be useful in supporting this couple to identify and name their cycle; both as means of bringing it in their conscious awareness to then enable other choices on their respective parts, and to see what is happening as a shared process opposed to the other being ‘the problem’. Couples counselling could also be helpful in this scenario by developing each person’s ability to emotionally regulate, decreasing the risk of their emotionally ‘flooding’- by which point all seems fair in love and war!   

As relationship researchers Dr John and Julia Gottman have emphasised, conflict is unavoidable between couples; where it has the potential to damage relationships, as well as, to serve as a catalyst for growth- if handled well. This involves decreasing emotion-driven dysfunctional behaviours by ‘cooling things down’ so each person can hear one another, and at other times, ‘heating things up’ a little in terms of getting to the underlying anxieties and avoiding emotions and topics. 

Research shows the most common relationship strains include not understanding one another, the management of relationships with wider family members, differing ideas in relation to children, and infidelity. Relationship expert, Dr Howard Markman, identifies three underlying issues within all conflict; power and control (i.e. whose priorities matter more?  who makes all the decisions?); care and closeness (i.e. is there a sense of being ‘in it together’), and respect and recognition (i.e. does each person perceive they matter in the relationship?).

Ultimately, no one can make another person change thus, it’s important for each individual in the couplehood to focus on what changes they can make towards making their relationship what they want it to be, through which they can invite their partner to change. If this invite is not taken up, couples counselling can be useful in gaining clarity; where if the decision is made to separate, it can offer a chance for this to be amicable. This can be hugely beneficial to all, especially if children are involved.  

As life coach Jay Shetty recently stated, unhealthy love is when trauma is the oxygen for the relationship. Conversely, a conscious relationship is where each person has identified their traumas and are willing to take responsibility for their healing and, to accept their partner’s support in that journey. 

There is now overwhelming research evidence which demonstrates that couples therapy has a positive impact for around 70% of couples. Specialist relationship counselling service Relate found couples typically access support between two to six years after identifying difficulties in their relationship. I invite you to not suffer inside a distressed relationship for this period of time considering the deleterious impacts this can have on our physical and mental health.