Untangling emotional responsibility: Healing with EMDR

Feeling responsible for others' emotions is a common experience, and it often stems from a variety of emotional, psychological, and social factors. This article explores the reasons behind feeling responsible for others' feelings and offers strategies, including eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR), to help you release this burden and establish healthier boundaries.

Where might this have started?

Early conditioning

• Parentification: If you were required to care for a parent or sibling’s emotional or physical needs as a child, you might have learned that others’ happiness depends on you.
• Emotional role models: If your caregivers were emotionally unstable or guilt-tripped you into meeting their needs, you might have absorbed the idea that managing others’ emotions is your responsibility.


People-pleasing patterns

• Being praised for being helpful or accommodating can lead to a pattern of prioritising others’ needs to gain approval or avoid conflict. The fear of disappointing others or causing rejection may make you feel compelled to keep everyone happy.

Trauma and hyperawareness

• Experiencing emotional or relational trauma can heighten your sensitivity to others’ emotions. Managing others’ feelings may become a way to feel secure and prevent conflict.

Guilt/shame

• If others blamed you for their feelings or actions (“You made me feel this way”), you might have internalised the belief that you are responsible for how others feel. This can create a cycle where you try to prevent others from feeling upset to avoid guilt or shame.

Empathy and boundary issues

• Being highly empathetic can blur the line between your emotions and others’. If you struggle to separate your feelings from those of others, you may feel responsible for making others feel better.

Cultural and social influences

• Cultural and family expectations can reinforce the belief that you need to keep the peace or regulate others’ emotions. Women, in particular, are often socialised to take on emotional caregiving roles.

Impact on relationships

Feeling responsible for others’ emotions can make your self-worth dependent on your ability to maintain others’ happiness. You may feel compelled to “fix” their emotions to avoid discomfort or conflict, which can lead to emotional burnout and unhealthy relationship dynamics.

How to let go of emotional responsibility

Separate your emotions from others

Ask yourself:

• Am I feeling this way because of my own situation, or am I absorbing someone else’s emotion?
• Is this emotion mine to carry?

Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing and body awareness, can help you reconnect with your own emotional state.

Challenge false beliefs

Shift your mindset from “I need to keep others happy” to:

• “I am not responsible for others’ feelings.”
• “It’s okay for me to feel calm even if others are upset.”

Set healthy boundaries

When you feel drawn into managing others’ emotions, try saying:

• “I’m sorry you feel that way. I hope you can work through it.”
• “I feel for you, but I can’t solve this for you.”

Initially, setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable or even selfish, but over time, it becomes empowering and natural.

Where does EMDR come into this?

Growing up taking responsibility for others’ emotions can lead to deeply rooted negative beliefs, such as:

• “I am not important.”
• “I need to be perfect to be accepted.”
• “I am unworthy.”
• “It’s not safe to express my emotions.”

These beliefs can fuel anxiety, insecurity, and low self-esteem, making it difficult to trust others or feel emotionally secure.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) is a structured therapy that helps process and resolve these underlying beliefs. It works by targeting the memories and experiences that created these patterns, helping you reduce their emotional intensity and release the feeling that you’re responsible for others’ emotions.  

By working through these beliefs with EMDR, you can begin to establish healthier emotional boundaries, reclaim your sense of self, and develop more balanced relationships. With this can come a reduction in anxiety and insecurity and increased self-confidence.