Understanding fetishes: when difference doesn't mean disorder

For many people, the word "fetish" can evoke feelings of embarrassment, confusion and shame. Popular culture often portrays fetishes as strange, unhealthy, or something to be hidden. In reality, human sexuality is incredibly diverse, and research suggests that a wide range of sexual interests are present within the general population and are much more common than people realise (Bártová et al., 2021). Having a fetish does not automatically mean there is something wrong with you.

What is a fetish?

A fetish generally refers to a strong sexual interest in a specific object, material, body part, or experience. Examples might include an attraction to certain clothing, footwear, particular fabrics, or specific aspects of the body or bodily functions. The terms "kink" and "fetish" are often used interchangeably, although they are not exactly the same. Kink is a broad term that describes consensual sexual interests or activities outside what is considered mainstream, while a fetish typically involves a more focused erotic interest in a particular object, body part, or stimulus. 

Are fetishes normal? 

The short answer is yes. Current research suggests that sexual interests exist along a continuum, and many sexual interests that are often viewed as unusual are relatively common in the general population (Joyal and Carpentier, 2017; Dawson, Bannerman and Lalumière, 2014). What one person finds arousing may hold little interest for someone else. Diversity in sexual preferences is a natural part of human sexuality.

Problems often arise not because of the fetish itself, but because of the shame, secrecy, or anxiety surrounding it, or where it has been reinforced or escalated through repeated exposure to related online content. Many people spend years believing they are abnormal or fearing rejection if others discover their interests. These feelings can lead to isolation, low self-esteem, anxiety, and difficulties within relationships.

In some cases, individuals may seek validation or a sense of belonging through online communities. While this can help reduce feelings of shame and normalise their experiences, it may also increase exposure to increasingly specialised or extreme content, potentially reinforcing or escalating patterns of sexual interest and behaviour over time.

When might a fetish become problematic?

A fetish is not usually considered a mental health concern simply because it exists. However, it may become problematic if:

• it causes significant distress or emotional suffering
• it interferes with relationships, work, or daily life
• it escalates and leads to behaviour that feels out of control
• it is maintained and escalated through viewing problematic content related to it online 
• it becomes the only way a person can experience sexual arousal
• it involves activities that are non-consensual, harmful, or illegal

Sometimes people use sexual behaviour to cope with difficult emotions such as loneliness, anxiety, shame, stress, or unresolved trauma. In these situations, the focus of therapy is often not the fetish itself, but understanding the emotional needs the behaviour may be meeting. 

The weight of shame 

Many of the clients I work with are not struggling because of their sexual interests. They are struggling because they have spent years feeling ashamed of themselves. Shame often tells us that we are fundamentally flawed or unacceptable. Over time, this can affect our confidence, relationships, and emotional well-being.

A compassionate therapeutic approach helps people explore their experiences without judgement. Rather than asking, "What's wrong with me?" we can begin to ask, "What does this part of my sexuality mean to me, and how can I understand it better?" In kink-aware therapy, we might explore things like when you first became aware of the fetish, whether it has always been there, or has it developed in later life, and what maintains this interest.

Talking about fetishes in therapy 

For some people, therapy offers a space to explore questions about identity, relationships, intimacy, and sexual preferences. For others, their fetish is simply one aspect of who they are and not something they wish to change. Therapy does not pathologise consensual adult sexual interests. Instead, it provides a safe, confidential environment where clients can explore their experiences openly and honestly.

Whether someone is seeking support for shame, relationship difficulties, compulsive sexual behaviours, or simply a better understanding of themselves, counselling can help create greater self-awareness, self-acceptance, and emotional well-being.

Seeking support 

If you have concerns about your sexual interests, feel overwhelmed by shame, or feel that your sexual behaviours have become difficult to manage, you do not have to face those challenges alone.

Therapy can provide a non-judgmental space to explore your experiences, understand the emotions beneath them, and develop a healthier relationship with yourself and your sexuality. Every person's story is unique. Whatever has brought you here, support is available.