Turning towards ourselves and each other: Relational mindfulness

“What would change in our world if we met one another not to fix or figure out, but to listen – fully, tenderly, without armouring?” – Deborah Eden Tull.

There is a quiet kind of care that changes everything. It shows up not with noise or urgency, but with presence. With a breath. With a soft heart that stays open.

Relational mindfulness, as I’ve come to know it through the work of Deborah Eden Tull, is mindfulness that lives between us. It’s not just for sitting on a cushion. It’s for the kitchen table, the late-night phone call, the tough conversation. It’s for real life – real relationships.

It’s how I live now. It’s how I support others.

It’s a practice that keeps asking:

• Can I stay present, even here?
• Can I meet this moment with love?

It has taught me that we don’t need to be perfect. We just need to be here – with honesty, with care, and with the courage to feel.

A personal moment of practice

I first touched this work not in training, but in a moment of heartbreak.

I was sitting across from someone I loved. We’d misunderstood each other. The air felt heavy. I could feel my chest tightening too, ready to explain, defend, fix it all. But something in me softened. I paused. I felt the ground beneath me, my breath, the ache in my heart, and the love still alive underneath the pain. I listened. Not just to their words, but to their body. Their tone. The silence behind their story.

And something shifted. Presence became the repair.

That moment changed how I listen. It changed how I love. It changed how I live.

The 9 principles of relational mindfulness

Let me share with you the nine principles of relational mindfulness, as I’ve come to know them – not as rules or techniques, but as tender invitations. Invitations into a more loving way of being with ourselves and each other, gentle companions on the path of being human together.

1. Intention

Before you speak, pause gently. Ask yourself:

• What is my intention at this moment?
• Am I here to connect, to defend, to be right, or to stay present?

Intention is like lighting a candle before entering a space. It prepares the heart to meet the moment with care.

 2. The sacred pause

This is where everything shifts. A breath. A hand on the heart. A softening of the jaw. The pause creates space between trigger and response – it returns us to choice.

• Can I give myself permission to stop, just for a moment?
• What do I notice in the stillness?

3. Deep listening

To truly listen is to offer a sanctuary to another’s soul. It's listening with your whole body, not just your ears.

• When was the last time I felt truly heard?
• What would it feel like to offer that quality of listening to someone else, or to myself?

4. Mindful inquiry and clear seeing

Rather than assuming or reacting, this is about turning inward with curiosity.

• What is really alive in me right now?
• Is there a belief or story I’m holding onto? What’s underneath that?

Clear seeing isn’t always comfortable, but it is deeply freeing.

5. Turning towards, rather than away

Relational mindfulness invites us to turn towards discomfort with kindness, whether that’s a feeling, a conflict, or an unmet need.

• Is there something I’ve been turning away from?
• What might happen if I turned toward it, just a little, with support and gentleness?

 6. Not taking things personally

This one takes time and tenderness. But when we remember that someone else's behaviour is a reflection of their own inner world, we find more space and less blame.

• What might this person be carrying that I cannot see?
• Can I offer compassion – to them, and to myself – in this moment?

7. Taking responsibility

Not from a place of guilt, but of care. Responsibility is the ground of healing.

• Is there anything I need to acknowledge or take ownership of – not to be ‘right’ but to be real?
• What am I learning about how I show up in connection?

8. Transparency

Relational transparency is about showing up with your inner truth, without armouring or performance.

• Is there something I’m not saying that longs to be named?
• What would it feel like to be more visible, even in a small way, right now?

9. Compassionate action

Relational mindfulness asks not just for awareness, but for love-in-action – tenderness applied to the real world.

• What would love do now?
• What small act of care could I offer – to myself, or someone else – in this moment?

A living practice, not a perfect one

Relational mindfulness doesn’t ask you to get it right. It asks you to stay in relationship with yourself, with others, and with the moment – even when it’s messy.

Sometimes that looks like a deep, attuned conversation. Other times, it’s knowing when to pause, when to rest, when to say, “I don’t know, but I’m here.”

Sometimes, the most powerful practice is simply this: to remain open-hearted, even when you want to close.

“Relational mindfulness is the deep remembering that we are not separate — and that true presence is an offering of love.”

 — Deborah Eden Tull

An invitation to you

Which of these principles feels most alive for you right now?

Which one feels hard, or tender, or exciting to explore?

You don’t have to do them all. You don’t have to get them right. This practice is not a destination. It’s a way of walking.

Maybe just start with one...

• One breath. 
• One moment of pause.
• One deep, loving listen.

That is enough. That is everything.

With warmth and presence.