The problem with pursuing happiness

At this time of year, we wish our friends and colleagues a happy new year. This traditional greeting reveals the value we place on happiness. 

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It is a highly prized, highly desirable emotion; the one everyone aims for. We want happy lives, happy relationships, happy holidays, happy children… What’s more, we are often more comfortable letting others know that we feel happy – an emotion that receives widespread approval – than saying we feel low, apathetic or consumed by doom.

It may be natural to want happiness, but how attainable is it?


Why it can be hard to feel happy

Our minds are already highly taxed by navigating our lives. On any day of the week, at any moment, our mind must execute numerous, highly complex tasks, just so that we can function, go to work, remember to eat and maybe even care for others, too.

These tasks are:

  • Weeding through all the distressing, distracting or downright horrible thoughts and feelings that may surface at any second, while also sifting through huge amounts of new data hour by hour – from the latest troubling global news to a social media post or a mysterious new headache. A healthy mind will only prioritise those pieces of information that are useful in helping us go about our lives and not those that leave us overwhelmed by anxiety, sadness or feelings of futility.
  • Ignoring harsh internal chatter. This damaging chat might be insisting that we are not good enough, look awful, will never make it and are basically worthless. It can be debilitating. This messaging is often left behind by neglectful, jealous or simply overwhelmed parents.
  • To remain alert but alarmed. There are endless reasons to worry, from existential threats to small health niggles, financial pressures to parenting angst, but when our minds are working effectively they can sort through those fears, dialling down the ones that are far-fetched and unlikely to happen and paying attention only to those that are reasonable. Our minds can also remain aware of risk, without deciding that each new situation or individual is threatening or dangerous. It can carefully marry our need to be safe with our need to connect.

Unhelpful expectations

With so much assailing the human mind each day, it is easy to see how being happy sometimes gets elbowed to the sidelines. And yet we can hold unhelpful expectations of how a good life looks and feels – it should be happy, shouldn't it?

Naturally, we want to be happy, but rather than happiness being our only goal and the sole measure of a life that is being well lived, we might instead recalibrate our expectations and favour a life that allows in all facets of reality. This kind of life, a real human one, will inevitably contain pain, sadness and lashings of boredom, but also joy, contentment and love.

If we pursue happiness exclusively, any unhappy feelings become unacceptable to us, or a sign that we have failed. This intensifies their power. We feel depressed or worried and then double down on that experience with self-criticism for letting these unwanted feelings in. It is a cruel irony that the pursuit of happiness can even risk stifling our capacity to experience it. If we spend precious energy fighting or disavowing those feelings we dislike – anger, regret, envy – we may be less able to experience those we crave – happiness, elation, pleasure.

So, rather than prioritising happiness, we have to stay open to every feeling. We must welcome them all – the good, the bad and the ugly – with equal interest and without judgement. That way, we are ready to notice and enjoy those feelings we genuinely want – the moments of joy, connection, love and simple contentedness – whenever they arise.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Hove, East Sussex, BN3 2DJ
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Written by Jo Simmons
Individuals and couples counsellor
location_on Hove, East Sussex, BN3 2DJ
Jo Simmons is a therapist specialising in Transactional Analysis, based in Hove, East Sussex.
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