The potential pain of parenthood

Having a newborn is (according to the dominant expectations and myths of our culture) supposed to be one of the 'happiest' times of a new parent's entire life. To reinforce this myth, images flood us from television shows and films in which we are inundated with saccharine scenes of smiling parents, instantly and effortlessly connecting with an exceptionally well-behaved newborn baby; and more in love with each other than they have ever been as the child slots seamlessly, and with minimal disturbance, into the existing family dynamic. 

In reality, speaking both as a father of two and in my experience as a therapist working with many new parents, the period immediately after childbirth is often extremely messy: Comfortable relationships break down as a disturbing 'third' person is added to the established and settled mixture of the couple. Jealousy can emerge, especially in more codependent relationships, as the opposite partners' attention becomes focused like a laser on the new arrival and is subtracted from each other.

New fathers can often feel functionally useless; excluded from the intimacy and cocoon-like bond that often (but not always) forms between the newborn and the mother. They grapple with the social expectation that they should immediately relate to something they are meeting for the first time with an unconditional, overpowering love. The impulse to distance and retreat from the intimacy and the chaos of the newborn phase can be very tempting in the face of these pressures.

Mothers, on the other hand, are similarly fed many social myths and expectations from our neoliberal society which make it seem like popping a baby out is like a shelling a pea; and that getting back to work within two months is a feasible and near-expected goal. Faced often with a reality of painful physical recovery, sleep deprivation and a flood of uncooperative hormones, mothers can feel pathologised (and pathologise themselves) for very normal responses to the more painful side of having a newborn child - both emotionally and physically. 

On top of this, we have the question of the somewhat dreaded 'in-laws'; fuel for the stand-up repertoire of many 1970s comedians for a reason. With the arrival of the newborn (especially in the case of the first grandchild), the family of the opposite partner inevitably draws closer and becomes more entwined and immediately affected. The negotiation that can ensue between the parents and the grandparents as a result often puts extra pressure on an already delicate situation. Battles around control and boundaries in relationships can ensue, especially when grandparents or parents are more narcissistic.

With the massive disparities that exist between these messy realities and the comfortable myths that circulate within our culture around the experience of new parenting, it is a wonder that any couple survives having a child to begin with. Many do not; many couples split up - either physically or emotionally - as a result of the impact of the birth on the relationship. Most feel they are doing something wrong; why is their experience of new parenthood filled with deathly struggle when every image they have ever had from society suggests it should be a blissful floaty love-in? 

At this point, it can be very useful to experience psychotherapy with someone who is more invested in puncturing rather than propagating these myths. We need understanding and reality rather than judgment and make-believe, and need to be more real about what a messy process the 'newborn phase' is. To navigate this chaos it can be useful to have someone who can assist us through it, and also has been there themselves in all of its difficulty.