The pain of othering

The Cambridge Dictionary defines the word othering as being “The act of treating someone as though they are not part of a group and are different in some way.” I think, we have all felt left out or excluded at some point, and I think we probably also agree that it is a particularly horrible experience.

It can bring up all sorts of questions and emotions, including wondering why we are not being included or whether we have done something wrong. As a pretty cruel double whammy, these experiences in adulthood can take us straight back to when we may have felt othered when we were younger. Maybe we used to feel it in the playground at lunchtime. Maybe when we were desperate to be part of a particular teenage friendship group but that door was firmly closed in our faces with no explanation other than laughing and smirking.

We may then feel that familiar, but unwelcome pang of pain. That pain could be shame or embarrassment, it could be the tears that threaten to overflow, it could be that nervous knot in our stomach, or it could just be an overwhelming feeling of sadness at being misunderstood.

I’m not saying that we should all get on with each other and everyone should be the best of friends and othering is often not about liking or disliking someone. It can come from the conscious or unconscious assumption that a certain demographic poses a threat to the favoured, or dominant social group. But, ultimately when we feel that we are not part of the gang, or we are isolated because of a specific reason, that can feel very difficult.

I’ve worked with many clients in my practice over the years and, even though every person’s story is completely individual and unique to them, sometimes there are words, phrases or feelings that do seem to come up a lot.

And while writing this article I’ve spent some time thinking about how people have described in session how they feel different.

Maybe a couple of these resonate with you:

• age or generation
• sexual orientation
• religion, faith or belief system
• gender identity
• skin colour 
• ethnic background
• nationality
• language or the ability or competence to use the native or preferred language
• political affiliation
• class, education, status or profession
• perceived wealth or entitlement
• mental or physical health or wellbeing
• ability or disability including invisible conditions

How othering can present and what it means

Let’s have a look at a couple of examples around gender and gender identity and what it means to present as a male or a female because this comes up in session regularly.

I have had the pleasure of working with lots of male clients in my practice and it can be a real struggle to navigate what it is to be “a modern man.” It seems that much is expected of our men as the traditional hunter-gatherer role fades away, but what is it going to be replaced by? The breadwinner, the gentleman, the provider, the leader, the father, the role model? Possibly all of these things, along with the gentler energy of someone who is emotionally intelligent and self-aware. And that feels like a lot. It is a lot of pressure to work it out and adapt. 

And what happens if he gets it wrong? What happens if he no longer fits in with his peers, his colleagues? Or is at odds with the example that his father may have set for him?

If you are a bit different you can open yourself up to being isolated, teased, bullied or disowned. You can be overlooked for promotion, have your identity questioned, and feel shamed or afraid.

I also wanted to mention the women I have worked with who come to sessions and speak about feeling out of place and unheard, especially professionally.

Amazing, talented and driven women have been made to feel silenced at work. I have heard women report being told to ‘just smile and look pretty’ to not bother applying for promotions, to stop being so emotional, or opinionated or to keep their hormones under control.

Feeling othered in this way can lead to decreased job satisfaction and productivity along with an increase in stress and anxiety. And women feel disrespected, devalued and unappreciated. They may begin to lose their confidence and voice and even question their career choices and future.

These are just a couple of specific examples but as you can see from the list above there are so many ways that othering can come into play. And we all feel excluded at times. Many school, work or social situations can create these feelings. Thankfully for most of us, these are infrequent experiences, but for some people, these are daily occurrences that can lead to feeling inferior, disenfranchised and discriminated against.

What can we do to navigate or reduce othering?

We can all think about this in terms of the idea that the opposite of othering is belonging. And belonging does not mean that we all have to be the same. In fact to truly belong means that our differences are recognised and seen, that instead of being squashed, criticised or feared … they are celebrated!

We can learn so much from each other if we can open our eyes, ears and hearts. We do all love that sense of comfort and familiarity that we get from something (or someone!) that we know and understand, but let’s extend our horizons and welcome newness and difference with curiosity and a smile. We can build new connections professionally, personally and socially by communicating positively and honestly, and respectfully interacting with each other.

That being said, if you feel othered, it can seem daunting, if not, impossible to reach out and explain what you are experiencing. If you are speaking to a person who is part of the accepted or dominant group, you may worry that it could be difficult for them to put themselves in your shoes or be able to empathise with your experience.

However, an open and honest conversation with someone you trust can be a beautiful and empowering experience, building bridges of understanding, connection and support.

An experienced counsellor can also provide you with a space to explore your feelings about being different, excluded, misunderstood or othered. My practice is all about providing a positive and supportive place for expression, whatever that looks like for you, whether you have been judged or shamed for it previously, all parts of you are welcome in session. 

And I guess, ultimately, this is about any person who feels othered beginning to understand and have compassion for their own story whilst gently and gradually building up their confidence and resilience to be able to move forward with real purpose and authenticity, to find a place where they truly belong.

Whatever that looks like for them. Because we are all different. And that is amazing.