The complexity of clutter: why is it so hard to let go of?

As a child of a parent with a hoarding disorder, the relationship between our environment and our mental health has always been a subject that has been close to my heart. It has taken me many years of my own personal development and understanding of trauma to view clutter in a more trauma-informed way.

I realise just how much I was impacted as a child growing up in an environment that was consistently full of chaos and 'clutter'. I witnessed the impact and utter heaviness that being surrounded by that environment had on my parents and their sense of helplessness to change anything about it.

To me, each item of clutter felt like a decision that couldn’t be made, an object that didn’t have a place to belong. Until all those unmade decisions simply became too much and too overwhelming to face.

Of course, we are all different and have different levels of tolerance to clutter and chaos, and for some people, having some level of chaos around them can feel comforting, but for many people, particularly highly sensitive people, clutter and chaos can be extremely stressful to live with. Even just seeing clutter around us can raise our stress hormone, cortisol.

As a highly sensitive person myself, I am only too familiar with how any level of clutter soon causes me to feel tired, irritable and hugely overwhelmed because of all the extra stimulation around me, and I know I thrive so much better in an environment that feels calm, peaceful and ordered.

If we are already struggling with a busy mind or ruminating thoughts, then having this same level of busyness and ‘noise’ reflected in our outer world can become extremely distressing and only compound our mental state. This is why managing our environment can become such a Catch-22 situation, because if someone is living with depression or low mood, then it is extremely difficult to feel motivated to make changes, but then living in a cluttered environment can also be a contributing factor in someone’s depression or low mood.

Why can it be so difficult to let go of physical things?

So, even if we know it can generally make us feel better to live in a more organised and clutter-free environment, why can achieving it feel so difficult?

Perhaps the most important thing to understand is how we manage our day-to-day tasks and environment is so interwoven with our mental state and nervous system, and how trauma can affect our relationship with objects as they take on a much weightier symbolism.

If we are feeling depressed or overwhelmed, then this is when our nervous system has gone into a state of shutdown, when it is preserving all the energy it can just to simply survive and find a sense of safety. In this state, even the simplest of tasks can feel like climbing a mountain. It’s about understanding that clutter is so much more than simply stuff and taking away the shame associated with not being able to manage it.

Our possessions and environment can hold so many associations and emotions, and sometimes the prospect of stirring up all those feelings can be too overwhelming. We live in a culture where we are actively encouraged to stay distracted and disconnected from ourselves. One that is all about noise and filling up space rather than creating it, whether that is through physical possessions, social media or entertainment. So, living in an environment that is always full and cluttered is another way of maintaining this avoidance and disconnection from our inner awareness and feelings.

For many people, the experience of creating space around them can bring up lots of difficult emotions, such as anger, sadness or grief, as if the clutter is literally keeping all these difficult feelings at bay. This is why it is so common that a hoarding issue can develop after a bereavement. Holding on to these objects becomes a way of keeping safe.

Sometimes it is our sense of identity, our hopes and dreams, that can be tied up in these objects, which can make it so hard to let them go. For example, the hope of becoming a parent or grandparent, the hope of having time to complete that project, the hope of that special holiday. Of course, there is nothing wrong with having any of these hopes and dreams, but it is about asking that honest and difficult question: are there any of these hopes, dreams and identities which are causing more pain by holding on to them than letting go would?

There can be times when holding on to items in this way becomes a form of self-punishment if we know it’s a dream that will never materialise, as if it’s more about holding onto the idea of who we think we should be rather than accepting and valuing who we are.

Perhaps items also have sentimental value, or we feel guilty about giving away something that someone has given us or fear it would mean losing that connection with someone who has died. Again, this is a time for self-compassion and honesty, by simply asking, “Do I use this item?”  “Do I actually like it?’’ “Do I feel a positive connection to this memory?” If the answer is no, then it’s about giving yourself permission to let go of it and instead of it sitting there being unwanted in a cupboard, think of the joy or use it might bring to someone else.

One aspect that can really affect our relationship with possessions is mindset. A concept I find really useful is the ‘scarcity or abundance’ mindset. A scarcity mindset is one that is fear-based, which is where the "I might need it one day" comes from or the fear of running out or never having enough of something. This is understandable if this has been someone’s experience, which can leave lasting trauma. I certainly came to see how much the experience of living through the Second World War had that impact on both my parents.

Whereas an ‘abundance’ mindset is one based on trust and security, trusting that there will generally always be enough or even if you do run out of something or find you did need something, you have the capacity to cope and deal with it. A mindset that is not afraid to let go.

How to go about letting go

Here are some simple suggestions to begin letting go:

Self-awareness is key

Learn to really notice and understand your mental state and how it impacts your day-to-day motivation, and really capitalise on the times when you do feel more motivated. 

Learn to have self-compassion

Self-compassion is also key. If you are struggling with depression or low mood, then shaming and judging yourself for not being able to keep on top of your environment will only compound the situation. This is a time to really listen to and tune in to your needs and notice which environments help you to feel better, such as being outside in nature.

Start with small tasks

Start small, break tasks down, even if it means breaking them down into tiny, tiny steps. This could be focusing on one drawer or shelf at a time. Just focus on that one area that feels clear and organised and notice what that feels like.

Be realistic and honest about your goals

We seem to be living in a time where we are bombarded with more and more information, mail, emails, and social media. It feels almost impossible not to have some level of clutter in our lives. Be honest with yourself about which aspects of your clutter are impacting you the most and about what feels achievable for you to deal with.

Get support

Ask a supportive friend to help, who really understands your situation and won’t be judgmental, or seek professional support if you are struggling with hoarding.

Further resources

Podcasts

Sensitive Stories – 49: Tidying Up + Letting Go of Overwhelm with Rebecca Jo-Rushdy

Books

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying – Marie Kondo

The Mindful Art of Swedish Death Cleaning for Women Over 50: A Gentle Scandinavian Method to Declutter, Downsize, Organize, and Leave a Loving Legacy – Linnea M. Bergman