Setting boundaries without breaking the relationship

Do you ever feel like you’re juggling a thousand expectations, yet somehow, your own needs don’t make it into the mix? 

Maybe you’re always the one saying “yes,” keeping the peace, while secretly wishing for a bit of space to just… be yourself. I get it. So many of us, especially women, have been conditioned to prioritise others’ happiness, thinking it’s the path to being a good friend, a good daughter, a good everything.

But here’s a little truth that took me a while to realise - you’re allowed to set boundaries, to prioritise your needs, and still have loving relationships with the people who matter. In fact, the more you respect yourself, the more others will start to respect you, too.

I used to think that saying “yes” to everyone was just part of being “good.” I didn’t realise until a very good friend jokingly said to me once, “If you continue like this, you’ll lose part of yourself.” It helped me become aware that I was, in fact, losing myself.

It wasn’t until I learned to say “no” (even though it felt weird at first - like wearing shoes on the wrong feet) that I began to see my own needs in a new light. One woman shared a similar experience with me: after years of always bending to others’ wishes, she finally started setting small boundaries, and the response was incredible. Her brother, who had always seen her play a quieter role, noticed the shift and said, “You’re glowing.” It wasn’t about shouting louder; it was about finally owning her voice.

Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out; it’s about inviting yourself in. Think of it like a garden. When you create space for things that truly nourish you, you naturally let go of what doesn’t. Sure, some people might not understand at first. They might joke, like my sister did: “Look who finally learned the word ‘no!’” And yes, you might feel a little anxious or guilty. But over time, you’ll find that setting boundaries feels less like pushing people away and more like finding your own centre.

How to reclaim your voice

If you’re not sure where to start, here are a few gentle steps that can help you reclaim your voice:

Identify your needs

Begin by noticing areas where you feel most drained or overlooked. Ask yourself: What do I need here? Just acknowledging this is a powerful first step.

Practice saying no

Start small. Maybe it’s saying “no” to a commitment that doesn’t align with you. Even a simple, polite “not right now” can be powerful. Remember, it’s okay if this feels strange or uncomfortable at first. Growth often does.

Seek support

Talk to a counsellor, friend, or coach to gain perspective. Sometimes, we need someone outside of ourselves to help us see our worth and encourage us as we create boundaries. A counsellor can guide you in building boundaries that honour your needs and maintain healthy relationships.

Setting boundaries is often more about progress than perfection. There may be times when you feel conflicted, and that’s okay. Remind yourself that boundaries are not barriers. They’re bridges to better, healthier relationships and to a life where you feel valued and understood.

So, what does setting boundaries look like for you? Maybe it’s as simple as not answering every text right away or giving yourself permission to spend a quiet evening alone, without feeling guilty. It could even mean having an honest conversation with a loved one about what you need. Every time you honour your needs, you’re telling yourself that you’re worth it.

This journey isn’t always easy, but every small “no” is a step toward a bigger “yes” to yourself. So, if you’re ready, start small. Take that first step. And if you’re ever unsure, know that there are people - counsellors, friends, guides - who can support you along the way. After all, you’re worth it.