Rethinking how we handle difficult emotions

Have you ever felt like your emotions can hold you hostage? You might be surprised to learn that the ways we often try to deal with our feelings can actually make things worse. 

When we’re struggling with uncomfortable feelings, it’s natural to want relief. We can feel worn down and we don’t want them to overwhelm us. Our urge is to fight them off or to find solutions – we look for some way to make them stop. This may offer us some relief in the short term, but our feelings don’t just go away and this fighting can also cause other problems.

The avoidance trap

There is nothing wrong with looking for relief at times. Even in therapy, you may be taught relaxation or grounding techniques to help you manage overwhelm and enhance your sense of safety. Sometimes calming down is exactly what is needed. The trouble is, even these techniques can become a trap if you only use them as a distraction from what you are feeling.

When we avoid feelings, we reinforce the sense that we can't handle them, or that we shouldn't be feeling them. This makes us more alert to them and strengthens our urge to fight them off. Together, these factors can cause our emotions to spiral. We might feel anxious about our anxiety, angry about our sadness, or guilty about our anger. Over time, this cycle can leave us feeling restricted or stuck, making our lives feel smaller and less satisfying. Worse still, because avoiding them feels so important, we set ourselves up to feel defeated and lost when we can't manage it. In essence, trying to control our feelings can actually keep us under their control. Research [1] shows that this can lead to a range of mental health struggles, including anxiety and depression.

A different approach

As we go through life, we often pick up the sense that some feelings are wrong – that they are unsafe or a hindrance. We may judge or criticise ourselves for how we feel, push emotions down, or twist them into something else. But feelings are a natural and unavoidable part of being human. They carry messages that can help us respond and adapt to our environment so we can meet our needs.

Some meanings we attach to our feelings may be inaccurate or unhelpful but fighting them doesn't stop these messages from influencing us. On the other hand, it does prevent us from truly understanding our feelings and putting them into context. It makes us struggle to respond effectively to our needs and be true to ourselves. This can both erode our sense of self-worth and negatively impact our relationships with others. It can prevent us from meeting our potential and feeling satisfied in life.

By this point, you might be thinking “OK, I hear you. Fighting my feelings isn’t going to help. So, what am I supposed to do then?” The answer is that we need to learn to accept our feelings.

The quicksand analogy

If your face dropped reading that, you're not alone. After all, accepting feelings sounds counterintuitive, especially when you are so used to fighting against them. To understand acceptance better, think about being stuck in quicksand.

If you ever find yourself in such a situation, the natural response would be to struggle. The problem is, this would only make you sink faster. And the more you struggled, the worse it would get which would likely bring panic into the mix too. The way out of this predicament is to spread as much of your body weight as you can over the sand: to lie down in it. You will then start to become unstuck and be able to calmly get your way out.

As you can see, in this situation, acceptance doesn't mean resigning to your fate or embracing the sand as your new home. It doesn't even mean that you have to like the situation. Instead, it's about acknowledging what is going on and creating space to "be with it" so you can then take helpful action.

The same goes for our feelings. Accepting them isn't about dwelling in them, agreeing with them or letting them overwhelm us. It's about learning to relate to them differently, without judgement or resistance. This gives us the space to hear the messages they carry and to decide how to respond, rather than reacting to them from autopilot. We can become aware of our patterns of reacting and how they keep us stuck. And, when we don't get caught up in fighting against them, the feelings will naturally die down.

Moving forward

Accepting our feelings and treating ourselves with compassion are central to many forms of therapy. Sometimes, this unfolds naturally when your difficulties are met with empathy, warmth and authenticity from the therapist. The sense of safety and confidence this creates can allow you the space for self-discovery and growth.

At other times, it involves actively learning new ways to relate to your thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness-based practices and techniques can be particularly helpful in this process. One such approach, known as RAIN, offers a structured yet flexible way to break old patterns and respond differently. Here's a brief overview of each step:

Recognise

Notice and acknowledge the feelings you are having in the present moment. Sometimes this is easier said than done. You may be having several feelings at once or have been fighting them off for so long that you no longer recognise them. Still, by bringing attention to what is happening inside your body, you can begin to untangle it all.

Allow

Give space to the feeling, along with any thoughts, sensations and urges that come along with it. This can include paying attention to the ways you find yourself trying to resist it. So rather than stopping your judgements or inner reactions entirely, you are trying to notice them as they arise. This creates a pause where instead of getting caught up in reacting, you are giving yourself the chance to respond differently.

Investigate

This isn't to do with finding a solution, but gently exploring the experience with curiosity. You might ask yourself: Where do I feel it in my body? What am I believing about myself or the world right now? What does this feeling want for me? Although you are staying with your feelings by doing this, you are also distancing yourself from being tangled up in them. It can help you see you are more than your thoughts, feelings, or body alone and give you a sense of space.

Nurture

Try to respond to yourself with kindness and care. For some people, it can help to imagine you are offering these words to a friend, or a child, or that you are receiving them from someone who cares about you.

RAIN isn't a one-off solution, but a way of approaching things to help bring about positive change. With practice, it can help you step out of autopilot and be more in the moment. It also strengthens your connection to your inner compassion. It can help you view your feelings differently so they no longer have power over you and are just another part of your experience as you go through life.

For those who have experienced trauma, RAIN may need to be approached with care. The 'investigate' step in particular may run the risk of leading to overwhelm if you do not feel ready. If this is the case for you, you could focus on the other steps, recognising and allowing feelings in small, manageable doses while working on your resources for developing a sense of safety, as part of the nurturing step. It will likely be best for you to do this alongside working with a therapist so that you can receive the necessary support.

Final thoughts

Sometimes, when we feel overwhelmed, we really do need a break from it all. It is reassuring to know we are able to connect to a sense of safety. In this way, relaxation techniques can be likened to going on holiday. Taking a break is an essential and healthy part of self-care. But it can't be our only coping strategy. You can see them as taking refuge to gather strength and calmness before returning to feelings with a clearer mind. Similarly, emotional regulation techniques such as grounding can be essential to stop you from feeling swept away. But they need to be practised in a way that you are not simply fighting off your feelings.

The real shift happens when you move from struggling against feelings to responding to them with acceptance and care:

“I need to get rid of this. I can’t cope.” (fighting feelings)

Becomes

“I notice I feel this way. I’ll do something to support myself.” (self-compassion)

Rather than treating difficult emotions as enemies, what if you approached them with curiosity and care? Acknowledging what you're feeling and responding with self-compassion doesn't mean giving in – it means giving yourself the space to move through it. This way, you can step away from getting stuck in a cycle of avoidance and focus on meeting your needs.

Give RAIN a try next time you're feeling overcome with a strong feeling and remember, seeking support from a therapist can be a powerful step in your journey.

Reference 

1. Bardeen, J. R., & Fergus, T. A. (2016). The interactive effect of cognitive fusion and experiential avoidance on anxiety, depression, stress, and posttraumatic stress symptoms. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 5(1), 1-6