Reality filters – help or hindrance?

What is a reality filter?

Reality filters are an evolved process for helping us deal with the world. Think of them like this: prehistoric humans lived in a world full of dangerous, wild animals – an environment where their surroundings were constantly viewed through a filter of danger in order to survive.

Movement in the long grass? Wind, small creature, another human or a predator? Without a reality filter, they might stay, logically going through the possibilities, looking for more information before deciding how to respond. If it were a tiger, chances are they would be dead. With a reality filter tuned to the dangerous environment, without waiting for confirmation of the movement source, it is interpreted as 'predator', and they react as such – escaping or readying weapons. If there were no tigers, they would be safe. If there were a tiger, they would be safe.

Throughout human existence, reality filters have helped us quickly deal with the world through learnt experiences, and we subconsciously use them all the time. When communicating face-to-face, they are mostly accurate, helping us quickly pick up on 'the vibes' as to whether someone is angry or calm, kind or unkind, wishing us well or wishing us gone. However, with the more abstract communication methods of the modern world, these filters have no evolved ability to cope.

Misread messages

Face-to-face, we have the advantage of body language, touch, voice intonation, facial expressions, even pheromones, as well as the words spoken. In the modern world, with video calls and even voice calls, we still have some of these. But, more and more typically, we communicate through messages, and often short ones. When our reality filters try to fill the information gaps, all too often, they fill them incorrectly. But why?

Emotions impact our filters

If we are angry with someone, our reality filter is likely to read their message tuned to anger, probably interpreting it as if being attacked. If we are not angry but think they are angry with us, we might filter it the same way. If needing to feel loved, we might filter a platonic message as loving, or the reverse: “they don't care.” Whatever our base emotion at the time, that is the reality filter most likely to come into play.

There might be external filtering issues to contend with, too. For example, someone declining to become intimate can be taken as a rejection, while for the other, it can be a cultural norm at that stage in the relationship.

Pausing and challenging our interpretations

At every step of the way, in every aspect of our lives, our reality filters can misinterpret things to the point of communication collapse, becoming a real curse, unless we are mindful of them. Mindful of the impact they have on how we interpret things, especially when we are feeling emotional.

Reality filters, especially if we are triggered, can take us over like a volcanic eruption, but a pause, of even just a few seconds, gives us time for logical rather than emotional processing. It can seem unnatural to pause at first, but with practice, we can learn. Try taking a deep breath and slowly releasing it. If necessary, do it again. This simple action helps calm the emotions of the initial reality filter, helping bring us back to our higher brain.

Let's use an example. A box of possessions arrives in the post. An upset reality filter brings the thought: “They've posted all my things back. Broken all links now. It's goodbye forever.” Here, the upset reality filter was incorrect. The sender of the box's thinking was actually this: “Hi, I posted your things back. We weren't going to use them here, so better for you to have them so you can. See you.”

Mindfulness, or not?

As above, rather than reacting on impulse, we know to take a breath, put things down or do something else rather than reacting emotionally, giving ourselves time to reconsider our filter's interpretation, mindful that it could be completely wrong. What if we don't do this? What if we choose not to be mindful of the power reality filters hold over us?

Consider this case study: An employee sees their employer repeatedly giving their desired shifts to others, getting their wages wrong and underpaying. This employee has an embedded reality filter of: "They're all against me". This filter colours their interpretation of the employer's actions as deliberate, bullying and intended to cause upset and distress. This filter is so deeply entrenched that they automatically disregard everything else – including the fact that they know this employer is incompetent.

Out of six sites, theirs has, by far, the worst staff turnover. The employee knows this, even to the extent of making a direct criticism of it in a formal complaint, but when it comes to the interpretation of the wage errors and being assigned unwanted shift patterns, the logical reality is completely ignored. Not mindful of their reality filter, they are completely guided by it, without question. They totally believe: "They're all against me", rather than the logical reality of: "They're incompetent".

If they chose to become mindful and allow themselves to consider the logical reality they already know about, they could reframe their thinking. Realise it is less likely to be a personal attack than simple incompetence. 

Things to consider

If reading a message, what is your emotional state? Angry, sad, happy? Do you see that same emotional state in the words you are reading? If you do, is that the way they are really meant or is it just your reality filter at play?

Consider this common word pair: “Take care.” In a written message, it can be interpreted in various ways, according to the reality filter in operation:

• “Take care – I want you to stay safe.”
• “Take care – or you might get hurt.”
• “Take care – or I might hurt you.”
• “Take care – I'm concerned, you are in a dangerous environment.”
• “Take care – wish you well, as I do with everyone.”

Again, by pausing and giving ourselves time to be mindful of our own state of mind, we can reflect on how much a reality filter is influencing our interpretation, giving ourselves a chance to reconsider first impressions.

A message is unlikely to need an immediate response. If one is being demanded, firstly, that tells you something about the sender's emotional state, and secondly, why not take it as an invitation to message back for clarification of what was meant by the first message? By even considering this, you are already engaging your logical mind and moving away from a reality filter-based reactive response.

Again, unless an emergency situation, it is not unreasonable to ask for time to consider your response, such as: “Let me think on it, please.” A polite request, and if they come back with: “No! Answer me now!”, then you will know they are emotionally charged rather than logically focused. If they come back with: “Sure. No problem.”, you will know they are mostly in a logical state.

Whatever they come back with, or not, will give a greater insight into how they are and how they are likely to have meant the initial message. Giving you a greater insight into how best to respond.

Message later

Another good tool is time. Time doesn't heal trauma, but it does give us space to think, especially in a difficult situation. If we draft a response but pause before sending it, maybe even overnight, we will be in a different state of mind and able to take a fresh view on things. It also gives us time to write a better response, adding to or deleting from the original. However good our initial draft may be, a revisited response with a fresh look will invariably be better.

Whatever our age, for all our intellect, we are not evolved for the faceless modern world. We are human beings, evolved to be social and communicate face-to-face. Being mindful of how our reality filters can misinterpret another's intentions, especially remote intentions, can save a lot of heartache and upset for all concerned.

Recognise that your reality filters can be influenced more by your feelings than reality. In short, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself slow breaths to calm any emotional upset and, when you are ready, look at things again. This time with your logical mind.