Putting yourself back on the list: a reset for exhausted parents

September has a way of making us think about routines and fresh starts. It’s back to the familiar scene: school bags and uniform strewn about the house, and you’re back on the treadmill of clubs, packed lunches, calendars and homework reminders.

And this is after the long summer spent running around, responding to everyone else's needs. 

Maybe you miss having your tweens or teenage children at home during the day. Perhaps you’re feeling a sense of relief that they’re back at school, followed by the inevitable twinge of guilt. Or maybe you’re feeling all of the above. But might there be another feeling underneath it all, as you ask yourself: “Hang on - what about me?”

When you’re so used to looking after everyone else

The issue isn’t that you care too much; no one’s suggesting you should stop caring and only think about yourself. What if the problem is really that you’ve become so good at noticing everyone else’s needs, you’ve stopped noticing your own?

You know when your teenager is hungry, stressed or tired. You know what your partner needs and what needs to get done. But if someone asks you what you need, you might genuinely not know, or you give the automatic answer “I’m fine”.

So everyone may just assume you’re fine. If you always say you’re fine, people will often believe you.

Sometimes, without meaning to, we are showing the people around us that we’re ok. For example, you might find yourself saying:

• “Don’t worry, I’ve got it.”
• “You go, I’ll stay with the kids.”
• “It’s easier if I just do it myself.”

Then, eventually, you feel hurt because nobody noticed you were struggling.

The truth is, the people around you are probably not ignoring you on purpose. They’re just reacting to what you show them.

And here’s the slightly uncomfortable truth: if you want things to change, you might need to try something different.

Start by working out what you need

You have to know what you need before you can tell people what you need. This might be a simple idea, but it can be tricky to do, especially when you aren’t used to considering what you need and how you’re feeling.

The first step is to pause for a moment and ask yourself:

1. What am I feeling? What is taking up most of my headspace? What do I wish someone would notice?
2. What am I missing at the moment? What do I need more of? What do I need less of?
3. And importantly: What do I actually want? Because what you need and what you want are both important. When you’re used to operating from responsibility and obligation, answering this question can be surprisingly tricky, so give yourself some time to think about this.

Maybe you need more practical help; or someone to listen without trying to fix things; or maybe just the chance to sit down for 20 minutes without feeling guilty.

Saying it out loud (the uncomfortable bit)

It might feel awkward, but it’s worth a little discomfort now for the long-term benefits.

Some examples of simple sentence starters:

• “I’m finding things a bit much at the moment, and I need some help.”
• “I don’t actually want to do that this weekend.”
• “I need some time to myself this evening.”
• “I’d really like you to take responsibility for this rather than me reminding you.”
• “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I need you to listen rather than fix it.”

You don’t have to wait until you’re at breaking point to let people know that you’re struggling.

Setting boundaries isn’t about making others unhappy

When you hear the word ‘boundaries’, you might think, “But how are these going to affect everyone else?” A boundary isn’t just saying no, setting rigid rules or being selfish. They’re about nice, clear communication about what you can and can’t do,  or are willing to take responsibility for and what it is you need to be ok.

At first, setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable, especially if you’ve spent years being the accommodating one who always says yes. People might even be surprised when you start saying no. Their reaction doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong, but it does show that they’re just not used to you expressing what you need.

Try a small “back to you” experiment

Notice one need

For the next week, take five minutes each day to ask yourself, “What do I need today?”

Act on one need

Pick one small thing you can actually do.

Communicate one need

And then, start with just once during the week, try telling someone else what you need. Not a hint, or hoping they’ll notice, but actually say it clearly. This can be tricky, especially if you’re used to focusing on others. It’s easy to assume that they are doing the same, but it’s more likely they have their own stuff they’re thinking about. It’s not that they don’t care; your feelings just aren’t on their radar, and no wonder, when your feelings aren’t on your own radar!

You don't have to put yourself last

You don’t have to put yourself first every time. But you do need to stop putting yourself last all the time. 

If you’re constantly looking after everyone else but struggle to say what you need, counselling can be a great place to start. Even one session can be a useful place to pause, work out what’s going on and think about what you want to do differently.