Parenting with the parent who once hurt you

One of the things that comes up often in my work is the guilt many clients feel when they start to explore their childhood wounds in motherhood, especially when their own mum is now a wonderful, supportive grandparent.

One of the trickiest parts of motherhood is raising your own children alongside the parent who once made you feel like your feelings didn’t matter.

Maybe they dismissed your feelings, criticised your choices, or always needed you to be OK, so they could be OK.

Maybe any time you tried to bring up how you felt, it somehow turned into them being upset.

Maybe you spent your whole childhood learning to manage their emotions instead of being allowed to have your own. Perhaps they didn't let you just be a child.

You didn’t see it as a problem back then. You just thought that’s how families worked. You became the peacemaker. The people-pleaser.

But now, as a mum yourself, the cracks are starting to show. You find yourself feeling angry, then guilty, because you’ve never been shown that your feelings matter, too.
You’re so good at taking care of others, but who taught you how to take care of yourself?

And now, in your relationships and your parenting, you struggle with boundaries. You want to speak up, but the fear of conflict is so strong. You want to honour your feelings, but guilt whispers that it’s selfish.

Why motherhood can bring old wounds to the surface

Grandparents often have more time, more patience, and fewer of the daily stressors that come with raising small children. They’re not up all night with teething babies or juggling tantrums while trying to hold down a job. The things they struggled with when you were little – exhaustion, financial worries, or emotional struggles – might not weigh so heavily now.

People change. They grow. They soften.

But if you’re still carrying hurt from your own childhood, it’s OK. You don’t have to dismiss your experiences just because someone is different now and the relationship they have with your kids doesn't fix well-trodden ways of communicating that still make you feel like your feelings don't matter.

It gets even more complicated when your parents are actively involved in your child’s life. You might feel so lucky, free childcare, someone to give you a break, yet find yourself biting your tongue, feeling judged, or second-guessing your boundaries.

You might notice they still make subtle digs or brush off your parenting choices. Or maybe they struggle with respecting boundaries altogether, chipping in on screen time, food choices, discipline, or emotions.

And if your parents are emotionally immature or always need to be right, it’s not just annoying, it’s a reminder of everything you worked so hard to move past.

Psychologist Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, explains that emotionally immature parents often can’t reflect on their behaviour or take feedback. They might dismiss your feelings or make you feel like you’re overreacting. And when those patterns show up in grandparenting, it’s easy to feel stuck in the same old loop, trying to please, trying to keep the peace.

Add in matrescence, that huge identity shift that happens when we become mums, and it’s no wonder old wounds bubble to the surface. Parenting often reactivates the feelings we thought we’d left behind. Trying to parent differently from how we were raised can feel like pushing against an invisible wall.

If you’re feeling all of this, please know: you are not alone.

• You’re allowed to feel grateful and triggered at the same time.
• You’re allowed to appreciate the support and still feel on edge.
• You’re allowed to love your parents and need space.

This is the kind of deep work that can be done in therapy  – helping parents untangle old patterns, find their voice, and build a life where their feelings do matter.

Healing isn’t about blame; it’s about understanding yourself. It's not about pointing fingers. It’s about exploring why certain patterns show up, so you can do things differently, break cycles and have better relationships going forward.

It’s about looking at the beliefs and labels that stuck:

• The “shy” label that made you think you couldn’t speak up.
• The “good girl” role that meant you always kept the peace.
• The quiet way you learned that big feelings weren’t OK.

And now? You might find yourself:

• Struggling to say no when you need to.
• Worrying about what everyone else thinks.
• Feeling like you’re too much or not enough, whenever you want to stand up for yourself.

That feeling of “I’m not good enough” can follow you everywhere, from work to home to the dinner table. And when conflict comes up, whether it’s with your partner or your own kids, you might freeze, because deep down, there’s that old belief: If I make a fuss, I’m unlovable.

Understanding generational patterns

To really understand your own parents, sometimes you have to look at theirs. That can be tough, especially if you have warm memories of your grandparents. But exploring those dynamics doesn’t cancel out the good times; it just helps you understand what shaped your parents, what they carried, and why they may have struggled to give you what you needed.

These aren’t personality flaws. They’re coping strategies that once helped them get by.
And now? They’re asking to be understood – so you can let them go.

It’s OK to celebrate the relationship your children have with their grandparents and to get curious about your own childhood. That doesn’t make you ungrateful.

It means you’re making space for more compassion – for yourself and for them. It means you’re learning how to do things differently. Because we’re all imperfect people raising imperfect people – and if we can do it with more self-awareness, why wouldn’t we?

In my work with mums navigating these tangled feelings, I see how easy it is to get stuck in a cycle of guilt and self-doubt. So many of the mums I work with feel torn between wanting to keep the peace and wanting to be the kind of mum they wish they’d had.

But here’s the thing: when you’ve spent your whole life putting everyone else’s needs before your own, setting boundaries feels impossible.

It’s hard to say no, because no one taught you that it was OK to have needs. It’s hard to ask for help. 

Without support, it’s so easy to slip back into old patterns – people-pleasing, second-guessing yourself, just to keep the peace.

I hear from so many mums who find themselves:

• Saying yes to every playdate or family gathering, even when they’re overwhelmed.
• Agreeing with their partner’s or their own parents’ opinions on how to parent, even when it goes against what feels right.
• Letting go of their own needs – like rest, space, or time alone – because they worry they’ll be seen as selfish.
• Feeling guilty if they’re not constantly doing something with their kids, as if it’s their job to keep them entertained 24/7.
• Letting their child’s feelings or behaviour dictate everything, so they never get a chance to process their own feelings.
• Feeling like it’s their job to keep everyone else happy – even if it means ignoring their own emotions.

Perhaps you learned early on that you had to handle everything on your own. It’s hard to trust your feelings because you were taught that your feelings would upset someone else.

And it doesn’t just show up in motherhood.

• It’s there in your relationship with your partner.
• It’s there in friendships.
• It’s there at work.
• It’s there every time you feel like you’re too much or not enough.

If we don’t look at these old patterns and where they came from, we keep repeating them, no matter how badly we want to do things differently.

What I’ve learned is this: healing isn’t about being the perfect parent; it’s about becoming a more self-aware one. It’s about understanding the roots of your patterns so you can choose what’s right for you and your family.

Therapy can help you untangle old patterns, find your voice, and build a life where your feelings do matter.

It’s a safe space where you can talk about the hard stuff, without having to protect anyone’s feelings or brush your own under the carpet. Ore feel guilty that other people have it worse.

In therapy, you can:

• Explore where people-pleasing, perfectionism, and overwhelm come from so you can respond, not react.
• Understand how your family’s patterns might be showing up in your parenting. and how to shift them.
• Learn to set boundaries that respect your needs and your values.
• Practice expressing yourself, even when it feels hard.
• Make sense of all the conflicting feelings that come up around your parents, from gratitude to resentment to anger.
• Build self-compassion and learnt to quiet your inner critic and to start noticing the difference between a thought and a fact.

It can help you go from feeling anxious and stuck to feeling lighter, calmer, and more excited about life again.  It can remind you you're not broken or failing, you're just carrying old wounds that are finally ready to heal.

What might you be wondering?

How do I know if my feelings about my parents are valid?

If you feel triggered, resentful, or anxious, even if they seem supportive now, your feelings are valid. Therapy can help you understand why they come up and how to move forward without guilt.

Will therapy make me resent my parents?

No. Therapy is about helping you make sense of your experiences with compassion, not blame, so you can make choices that feel right for you. It might be messy in the beginning, but on the other side, for me, I know it's helped me build a much stronger, more authentic relationship. I always say nothing amazing happens in your comfort zone.

What if I don’t want to cut my parents off?

That’s OK. Therapy isn’t about forcing decisions. It’s about helping you figure out what boundaries and relationships feel healthy and safe for you and your family.

Finding the right therapist

If you’re ready to explore this, look for a therapist who understands motherhood, family dynamics, and childhood trauma. Someone who gets how messy and magical this journey can be.

• Do they make you feel safe and seen?
• Do they understand the complexities of motherhood?
• Do they work with approaches like inner child work, self-compassion, or narrative therapy that help untangle old patterns?

Therapy can help you feel more confident, more empowered, and more at peace. You can be the mum you needed, and raise kids who feel free to be exactly who they are.