Parenting infant minds

Children are not mini-adults. When born, despite having 90% of the brain cells (neurons) of adults, most of these are not 'wired up'. This is why newborn brains are only a quarter of the adult size. What they are missing are the synaptic links between them - the white matter that makes our brains more white than grey. Grey is just the colour of the thin, outer coating.

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Given their brains are barely functional at birth, and even by the age of five do not have fully developed facilities for handling reasoning or emotional control, why do we treat infants as if they do? As if they are actually mini-adults, with full adult faculties, logic and reasoning. 

Emotions in us only increase emotions in others and if we can't control ours, what hope do our infants have? 

  • “Stop doing that.”
  • “I told you to stop doing that.”
  • “Do it again and you'll get a smack.”
  • “Last chance.”
  • “I warned you.”
  • “Stop crying, or I'll smack you again.”

What if we stop for a moment, take a breath and try to see the world through their eyes? Consider the baby who cries, stops crying the moment you open the nursery door and starts crying again the moment you close it? Some call this the 'crying trap' but how would the conversation go if they could talk? Maybe something like this:


Parent comes to the nursery door and the crying stops

  • Parent: “Why were you crying?”
  • Baby: “Because I was feeling scared and alone.”
  • Parent: “But you stopped crying the second I began opening the door before I even came in.”
  • Baby: “I heard the door and knew you were coming. That I wasn't alone and would be safe.”
  • Parent: “But you started crying again the second I left.”
  • Baby: “Because I was alone again and scared again.”

They aren't trying to rule us, they're just scared or upset or in need and can't yet talk so they have no other way of asking for help. Is it their fault we decided to give them a lovely little nursery to box them in, rather than thinking about what they might actually need? Our presence and the feeling of security it can provide in this new, wide-open world. The things they are able to see are changing day by day, and their abilities to notice new information are increasing day by day and this is a lot to deal with. Would it not be natural that at times they will struggle? 

What if, thinking of it from their point of view and our need for sleep, we simply put a cot next to our bed? If they wake they are there to hear our voice or feel a comforting hand without us having to get out of bed. Even if they need a cuddle or a feed, we barely need to take off our covers. Feeling more secure they are likely to sleep better anyway and develop a better sense of security in themselves. Alternatively, we can keep running to the nursery until we get so angry and over-tired that we end up ruining everyone's happiness and then resort to the drastic measure of letting them 'cry it out'. How would that feel to them?

Scared and in need - real or perceived, it's all the same to them - and nobody comes. They don't have the mental capacity or logical reasoning to think it's just because it's nighttime and they should simply 'grow up'. How can they perceive it as anything but abandonment or being unloved, with all the damaging floods of the stress hormone cortisol that can follow? Yes, of course, they will eventually stop crying, probably through exhaustion, but at what psychological cost?

Remember the classic fairytale of the Princess and the Pea? Where even with a dozen mattresses piled on top of each other the princess could still feel the pea under the first? Just because something can't be seen doesn't mean its impact can't be felt. Will an infant remember being left to cry it out or placed in a cot beside the parental bed? Almost certainly not, but their brain will.

In the womb, our brains start to grow according to our DNA - more nature than nurture. In the last trimester and even more so from birth, nurture has a massive impact on how we develop and how balanced our brain growth is. There are periods called, amongst other things, 'Windows of Best Opportunity'. 

Think of regions of the brain as piles of clay. Think of the 'Window of Best Opportunity' as the period in which the clay is moist and at the perfect consistency for being moulded into shape. Whatever shape it is made into during this time will be its core shape for life. Yes, hardening clay can still be reshaped but, as anyone who has worked with ceramics knows, it is much harder to do so.

For multiple languages, perfect consistency starts around five months, peaks around eight, and is mostly hardened by their first birthday. Speak to the infant in two or more languages during this period and the 'clay' will be moulded to consider these as native languages. It is still possible to teach new languages later in life, even in adulthood, but there will always be some kind of battle between what the brain has moulded as native and what it deems secondary. Linguistic mistakes in secondary languages can be heard all the time - even in excellent bilingual speakers of many years standing.

'Windows of Best Opportunity' apply to all manner of brain development, including emotional handling, self-confidence and ability to handle stress. Infants ignored, neglected, stressed and generally uncared for are likely to have their brain development moulded to match - resulting in the clay setting for adulthood of low self-esteem, anxiety, stress and poor stress handling. In other words, it does matter how they feel in infancy, even if they won't consciously remember it.

I'll give one more example of behaviour, which can be seen all the time in infants sitting in high chairs. They deliberately drop things. I am not talking about throwing toys out of the pram kind of way but in a curious way. Watch them more closely and you can see the curiosity on their faces, their looking for it on the ground and the growing frustration of the parent who picks it up, only for them to drop it again. Yes, it can be annoying for the parent and there are only so many times anyone will be willing to pick it back up, but take the time to consider it through their eyes. 

They can hold the object, pick it up, hold it over the edge, let go, and see it vanish from their hands and appear on the floor. They have never had this ability before. It is as new to them as us stepping on the moon so why would they not revel in that? They're learning. Confirming it happens each time. Learning different ways it behaves as it lands. To an adult it can seem pointless, even naughty - to them it can be a world-changing endeavour. Think on it.

Rather than getting angry, when tired of picking it back up, give them something else to do. Something else to engage with. Boredom is a sign of intelligence. Like I said at the start, they are not mini-adults, but they are mini humans and humans, by our evolved nature, have a hunger to learn.


Brad (B.R. Stone) runs Therapy Brad in Milton Keynes. This article is based on his book: “Parenting Infant Minds - brain growth matters”, available on Amazon from 20th January.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire, MK9
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Written by Brad Stone
Diploma in Integrative Therapy & Counselling - MBACP, MNCPS
location_on Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire, MK9
Brad Stone is an integrative therapist and writer, in private practice at Therapy Brad. www.therapybrad.co.uk
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